stories of a real life wonder woman

Some sort of balance when you are sick and moody is tough...and in my case it tends to make me more moody... What I mean when I say balance is that fo what to do with my emotions and my experiances...I need to face them and acknowledge them...not dealing with those is unhealthly...yet dealing with them and dwelling on them is unhealthy and well and can make a person seriously depressed...so where is the middle ground...I wish I knew...and I wish finding it was easy... I feel like I have to find a new balance each time something else comes up...like right now knowing I will start dialysis in a week...how do I deal with that...how do I add that to the equation...on one hand I don't want to think about it because it I don't want to acknowledge that I have to do that...it makes me mad that I have gotten that sick and didn't speak up sooner...and it makes me mad that I blame myself for my body being stupid when we all know I can't control it...then when I do acknowledge ...

Is read the thanks you that artists write in their CDs...I always have...sometimes they say really cool and profound things...so when I bought Matt Maher's new CD The Love in Between I popped it in the player and flipped the booklet open to the thank yous like I always do...and I must say Matt Maher did not dissappoint...here's what he opened with... "One thing I notice as time goes by in life...you really wannna say as mush as possible and use as few words as possible. When you consider that God, who is infinite, summarized Himself in a finite book, it makes you realize how maybe, just because we can communicate, or rather, because we can, means we should be intentional with not only what we say but how we say it." With that being said I am going to try to keep this note short... Though it has been a good week for me physically mentally I am drained...I'm having many mixed emotions about many things...mainly dialysis...I know starting it will help my body b...

Since I just had a doctors appointment and I know a lot of my friends and family are thinking "what did the doctor say"...which I am glad that you all care...but I feel like I don't really know what to tell you...so maybe I'll try it like this... Good news we took two pies into the office today for the staff there we got there 30 mins early and got in to see the doctor right away my doctor knows how to joke with us my doctor likes lists like the one I made of all the things that are wrong with me (aka the aches pains and side effects I deal with) He was able to breifly talk things over with the transplant doctor whiel we were there I am off another med my blood pressure was good today I haven't had swelling in my ankles in a while when mom asked if we had all the testing done and had a match how long would it be before a transplant and he said within the next two months hopefully that means I have a new kidney before Christmas we stopped at an apple o...

That I love Tyler Perry...cause I do....and I think its really cool that Forbes just named him the highest paid man in Hollywood this past year...I think its really cool not just because I love him but because he is a Christian who has stuck by his morals/standards...if you've ever watched one of his movies you would know that...after one of his plays (that I have on DVD) before he had either of his TV shows he said that he was trying to negotiate to get a TV show started but they weren't going to let him use the name of Jesus in any of his shows and he said well then forget that I don't need TV...he didn't back down on that and now he has two TV shows on TBS and quite a few movies (all talk about Jesus/forgiveness in some way) and well I just love him...sure he can be naughty sometimes but that's another reason why I love him...he shows real life and what life is like for real people on a daily basis without sugar coating anything to make it look perfect while stil...

So I'm going to... Today I needed to call Nancy who is the main nurse I work with through the kidney doctor's office...and I also needed to contact my finance counselor at school with questions about what I needed to get for loans... First I called Nancy...as I wrote the other day my diarrhea has gotten worse again so that's why I wanted to call her...so I did and got a hold of her right away...I told her what was going on and she said "I don't even know what to ask you because I know you haven't had a fever or you would have called sooner"...that was nice to hear because it means she is starting to understand how I operate...I only call when there is a real problem...usually when I call she tells me she will talk to Dr Sader then call me back...today he was standing right there so she asked him right away...he is going to have me stop taking Cellcept for 3 days then continue taking it at a smaller dosage...this makes me happy because at an appointment...

If my desire to not complain or whine keeps me from telling the truth...like today and yesterday have been horrible...can barely get out of bed horrible...feeling like death horrible...but because I don't want to complain I try not to say anything about it...if I'm honest though this sucks...I have been losing weight again...not as much as quickly...but still losing weight...I don't have much of an appetite which is a sign of kidney failure when it gets really bad...and I have diarrhea pretty bad again though it never fully went away it just became manageable... If I am honest with myself that makes me nervous...last time I was like this my doctor started talking about dialysis...I really don't want to do that...makes me feel worse than I already do... But on the bright side I had a fun day on saturday...I went to the QC with Nicole shopping...I did more than I should have and that's part of why I feel so cruddy now but can you really blame me...I mean come on.....

Ok maybe 2 new favorites... The ones that have been my favorites are Move and Cut...I still love those songs a lot because they still ring very true to me... My new favorites ring true to me a different ways...we heard these songs at the concert and they are coming out on his new CD...the first one is called Nothing is Wasted...the chorus is pretty simple and it goes like this "nothing is wasted nothing is wasted in the hands of our redeemer nothing is wasted"...this song makes me think about how God make beautiful things out of the ashes and the dust of our lives...what really got me is when Jason was singing about our tears...it say in the Bible that God collects or records our tears (Psalms 56:8 - depending on your version)...that baffles me...but it also adds to the idea that nothing is wasted not even the tears that fall from our eyes no matter why they fall... The other song that is my new favorite puts into words how I feel I try to live my life...it's called...

...and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go - Arms - Christina Perri This week like last week has been a an up and down week for me...mostly down though...I don't ever really feel good and I feel like I am always at the hospital or the clinic for some type of test or appointment...it's no fun...mind you I try and make the best out of it...like on Friday my friend Jessica (Smith) Danger did my ultrasound and we laughed about different things like how big my kidney is...plus it kept cracking me up that during my ultrasound and my echo-cardiogram the techs kept saying that my insides take beautiful pictures...if only that meant my insides worked right too.....but I'm just tired...I don't know how else to put it...I''m tired not just in the physical sense of the word either... Getting out of the house more often might put me in a better mood but at the same time it will also make me physically more tired and more sick...so I feel like I never know...

Sounds crazy I know but let me explain what happened... On Thursday I went into KSB which is my local hospital to get my shot like I do every other week on Thursday...I sit in this room with other people that come for quick things that they don't have to be admitted for...some of them are on IVs as they get some treatment over a hour or so while others like me are just in for a couple minutes getting injections...anyways I was sitting in there listening to this lady talk on her phone and she said "I'm half way done. I've done 21 and I have 21 to go."...and I know it probably sounds weird but I got jealous and that made my heartache for me not her...I wish I could say I'm half way done...I wish I had some sort of number I could count down to...I'm not saying I want cancer I'm saying that I want to know when this all will be over... For this lady after her treatments if she beats cancer then she becomes a cancer survivor...which is great for her...re...