stories of a real life wonder woman

This week I tried to take some time to rest. I talked to my boss at the start of the week to let her know some of the things I have been freaking out about at work and to ask if it was ok if I took a day off to try to relax. She told me "Yes!" because she gets that it is hard to do your best work or really any work when you are stressed out of your mind. She later told me that when I went in to talk to her she was worried I was going to say I got another job and was leaving her and she thought "no you can't leave me!" (I only share that part because I need to remember how valued I am.) So in the middle of the week I took a day off and because my boss approved it I felt like I could actually relax without freaking out about the work I was missing like I did when I took a sick day. I would love to say taking that day off and actually resting solved everything but it didn't. I have still had a lot of rough days and rough moments. Evidently I don't kno...

I feel like I don't quite know how to talk about this week. I got stressed out and annoyed and I freaked out. Not at anyone not even when anyone was around. But I lost it a bit in my car yelling and then at home yelling some more. Which then translated into crying most of the weekend. Like can't stop having a hard time breathing crying. I am putting a lot of pressure on myself at work to not mess up and do as much as I can in this project I am working on. Which is then stressing me out. Then because I am stressed out little things are annoying me quickly. Things that I am still learning to deal with and ignore are instead pulling me down with incredible force and weight. This is also making it easier for the devils lies to seep in and take root which also causes more stress and doubt. And I gotta be honest fighting all of that daily and even by the hour and minute is wearing me out. And so at the moment I am more often than I would like to believing the lies because I...

Early days = a grouchy BB. Though construction yesterday also = a grouchy BB. I didn't post last night like I usually do because I was sooo grouchy and I feel like I have posted too many times recently when I have been grouchy. But then today having to be into work three and a half hours earlier than normal means I am a bit grouchy. I have been a little on edge because at work we are trying to wrap up the school years budget. My boss seems nervous and stressed about that so I am nervous and stressed about that. I have a tiny bit of background in accounting and somehow that means I am the expert on it in the library and that makes me nervous because I don't take handling money lightly. I want to be trusted to do the job right and well you know actually do the job right. So I have been putting some pressure on myself over that trying to not make any huge mistakes but still often fearing that I am. And I have been not so patiently waiting to hear the results of a blood tes...

Because of this - http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/01/02/thinking-youre-naked-2/ I made mom this - If you didn't follow the link and read the post you really should. It is an old post that I have reread multiple times and I am sure my mom has too. Because shame is powerful and listening to the right voices can be hard too do. I have not been doing the best at that. It can be easy for me to see myself through the lies of the enemy. To hear his words of hate and think they are true about me. Big ones for me lately are that I am not enough and that I don't have a place where I belong. Those have been made worse by having a hard time finding a church and continuing to go to one where I feel unwelcome. These lies are also why I have been overly focused on what I can accomplish at work because if I can work hard and do a good job then I have worth and have a place. Its not that working hard and feeling like I belong at work are a bad thing I just have exceedingly...

Here's the thing - I don't really want to write today. Because I know that on here I try to be as open and honest as possible about things in my life and well that's hard. I wish it were easier. I wish I had things to say that were more fun. But I don't. I sat through work at the beginning of the week when I felt like I was going to throw up all day. Then spent the next day at home on my couch beating myself up for calling in sick even though I still felt sick. And then the next few days I more than likely over did it but got through them. This weekend as per usual I have been emotional and upset about life leading me here. Which was made worse by church today. It's not anything the pastor said - I actually didn't even stay long enough to hear him preach. We sang and I tried not to cry. We shook each others hands and I tried not to cry. We sat down for the message to start and I tried not to cry. The pastor got up and said we were doing communion fir...