stories of a real life wonder woman

Well by now I am sure if you are my friend and/or if you read my blogs you have heard I was like 2 seconds form death this week...so I am still chillin in the hospital as of today...they are trying to treat the ulcer in my stomach still to try to keep it from bleeding out and to make sure my hemoglobin (red blood cell count) doesn't drop way down again since they are not sure why it is doing that...hopefully its from the ulcer because that is being taken care of which means it shouldn't be as crazy anymore but we will see I guess... I don't really know what to tell you about this week since I have been chillin in the hospital since wednesday and I already posted about Nicole saving my life that day...being in the hospital is pretty boring...I have been sitting around doing really nothing...doctors come in to see me and order tests done on me like EKGs chest x-rays endoscopies blood tests...other than that I don't do much but sometimes do homework play word puzzles sle...

Is a day I think I should always remember from now on... October 26th 2011 is the day my best friend Nicole saved my life... She came over around 9 o'clock in the morning to check on me and found me pretty out of it...I threw up blood yet again and then after getting to the bathroom was unresponsive...she kept her cool and was able to call my mom who called 911...when I got to the hospital emergency room they found out my hemoglobin was 2...people die when their hemoglobin is that low or even a little higher...after getting some blood into me fast I was airlifted to OSF again...this time I remember it though...so even though this time I really was at deaths door I could tell you the story this time...unlike last time where there is like two days that I don't fully remember... Right now I am sitting in the medical icu...I will do dialysis later today and have another endoscopy done to check out the ulcer in my stomach again...they need to figure out why I keep losing so mu...

OK so soon after I posted on Saturday night about how much I hated that I was still in the hospital I decided I had had enough and was leaving the hospital wither a doctor signed me out or I signed myself out... I can't really tell you what the last straw was I just was thinking all these things...like how what the doctor was saying wasn't adding up...how he was making me feel like an idiot when I have been dealing with this illness my whole life...how he's not my doctor and he didn't even act like he cared about me...and how in my eyes he tried to have power and control that really doesn't belong to him...when I say that I mean that I feel he tried to do what a lot of doctors do and that's play the God card...let me explain...I have encountered a lot of doctors and some of them can get a complex...because they have all this knowledge and do all these great things like saving lives some of them begin to think that they are like God and it's in their contro...

So since I am sitting in the hospital with nothing to do I thought why not blog about my INSANE week... If you haven't seen my facebook wall all week to see my mom's updates that she tagged me in then this will come as a surprise...if you have seen that then this should just be a quick recap... Monday night/Tuesday morning I started to throw up...as the night went on I became very disoriented then last thing I remember I couldn't see anything...I remember I felt around for my phone then turned it on and was holding it right in front of my face but could not see the light from it...mom says that later that night I had a seizure and that's when she and dad took me to KSB ER...there I had another seizure and because of my kidney health history was airlifted to OSF Peoria...pretty much what happen is that the vessels in the brain began to leak into my brain causing swelling which caused the seizures...my hemoglobin also dropped way down and I was put in ICU...Tuesday I ...

When people react in a more extreme way to a situation you personally are dealing with than you do...makes it kind of awkward...and can be really confusing... Take for example this week...we found out my sister is not a match and therefore not a good candidate to be a donor to give me a kidney...I'm not upset with that because I figure that God has something else planned so this really is no big deal...just because my sister doesn't match doesn't mean that God isn't in control and that He is no longer worthy of the name "healer"...it means that the Healer who is in control is doing something unpredictable that will as always end up great...now I get that and most of my family gets that...but it seems a lot of people aren't as calm about all of this stuff as I am...when they come to me freakin out about it...I feel like I don't know what to do...should I now be upset because they are...this is after all my life they are getting upset about...gosh it c...

Yesterday was interesting... I had a really good day and I wasn't about to let anything ruin it...not even the fact that I found out my sister isn't a good match to be a donor... So begins the process of testing other family members to see if they would be a good match...the next choices are some of my cousins... I'm not really upset...I sort of just feel like "ok no big deal moving on"...I think I am used to my plans not matching up with gods plans and I know that His plans end up better than my own...so obviously He has some sort of sweet trick up His sleeve...plus I don't feel like getting upset would help me any right now...I don't feel like I need that release that comes with crying...it's weird I get upset about things that don't matter that much but then I don't get upset about things that are a bigger deal...I keep thinking that the reality of the situation right now will sink in and I will start to get anger or frustrated but tha...

I may be an English major but some of the books I have to read for class are boring...plus when you tell me to read something it usually makes me not want to read it...unless I super trust your judgement when it comes to books and that is not something that is done easily...the worst part about that though is that even in those cases I still often don't want to read what others tell me to read...I bring this up not just because of my classes but because I can also get that way about reading my Bible...I am really bad about reading my Bible...I know I should read it...but the more often people tell me I should the less I want to because then it feels like a rule I have to follow instead of being something I want to do because I love Jesus...I really don't like that I get like this where I have this "oh yeah I do what I want attitude" but I still do it and have that attitude and it sucks...when I do read my Bible I love it and I learn new things all the time but for som...

Which means I didn't have to start dialysis today... My numbers changed for the better quite a bit and the doctor and mom and I are hoping that we can continue to maintain me feeling pretty good without having to start dialysis before getting a transplant...Ash just did some more testing and if that comes back showing that she is a good match and my health doesn't change to much he said he won't put me on dialysis...which is nice... He changed around my meds a little again to see if that will help with all my ailments... It was a good appointment and I am relieved that I didn't have to start dialysis and yet I am not...I know it doesn't make sense but I am at a point right now where I don't really know what I want...I just know I want to feel better...I want to have a transplant as soon as possible so that I can feel better longer and not have to deal with all this crap...as for dialysis...well it does suck and I hate it...but I know it will make me feel b...

Before I get to far into this note...cause I actually have some fun things to talk...but before I get to the fun things I want to give some more advice of how to deal with sick people...well really anyone...well maybe not everyone because maybe it's just me...but it really drives me nuts when people in any situation say "I know how you feel"...when I hear that I think no you don't...you can sympathize with me...you can understand to an extent but you don't know how I feel...you are not me...I say this doesn't just apply to sick people because I personally would never say this in any situation...let me give an example...my cousin Lisa has two kids and a husband in seminary...I can understand that you be crazy and I can sympathize with that...but I don't know how Lisa feels because I am not Lisa...I feel like if I were to say I know how you feel that would take value away from what she is dealing with and then things would be all about me instead of...