Medicines, Pains, and Hallucinations
Hey,
So last Sunday I couldn't think of anything to write. Then during the week all I could think to write was that Tuesday's change of weather here was fantastic for my spirit. Nothing lifts the cloud of depression that hangs over you in the gloominess of winter like the first day of bright blue, sunny skies reminding you that spring is coming. I didn't feel like that was enough for one post so I decided to just skip for the week.
This week's post is a little early because I have been trying to think of things related to my health to post about that I don't talk about. But I've been having a hard time thinking of things. During the week I thought I could post about how because of everything my body has under gone I am in constant pain. And how sometimes that drains the life out of me and other times I can get busy and mostly ignore it. But constant pain from your body being put through a lot of surgeries, even more medicine, and stress beyond belief is not a fun thing and is not normal. Laying in bed in the morning and having to make a mental check list of what hurts the most today and how that will effect your day stinks. And then getting up and having to do a quick check again because sometimes the simple act of standing up makes pain wake like a dragon who's just discovered you've touched his gold is not something that makes me want to start my day.
So there's that part of being a sick person put out there.
Last night/early this morning something else happened that I rarely talk about and don't always know how to express. So what happened was I was somewhere between asleep and awake and what was a nightmare turned into my mind trying to convince me that what I was dreaming was really happening. This type hallucination caused by some of my medicines has happened before and well it's never fun. It's never fun to know your mind is lying to you. Yet it's even harder to not get caught up in the fear that is being created by your own mind because you should be able to trust your mind. This time my mind was trying to tell me that I was in the hospital being rushed to the operating room because I was about to die. My mind is very good at making every thing around me in real life make sense in the other world it has created which makes everything feel more real. Having to half asleep tell your mind that what it is trying to say is an EMT bag next to you is really just a pillow takes a lot of effort. And well is just plain freaky. And not only do I have to tell myself that it is not real but I also have to try and wake myself up out of the weird state my mind and body are in. This is never easy and often result in me waking up at least crying. I have before woken up crying and whispering words of truth. The worst was when I woke up right into a panic attack because things were that vivid and the fear almost tangible.
When this happens I usually do not want to fall back asleep which only adds to my problems with insomnia. Not being able to trust your mind when you fall asleep makes me you not want to sleep even when I know I need it. And as you can probably imagine I often also want to be comforted when this happens. But I also find myself at times unable to articulate how medicine side effects have made it so that my brain thinks that what is not real is real. How can you really be comforted when you can't fully express why you are needing comfort.
I often find that I don't know how to explain that fear lives in my head hiding in every crevice and behind every good memory constantly reminding me that anything could be ruined by how sick I still am even when I am "healthy." Reminding me that not thinking about my health is not really something I can do.
But on the flip side of that in a way fear never means to it also reminds me that every moment I get is precious. Every second spent with my friends and family meaningful. Every chance to fling the seeds of Christ love taken.
It's true that fear is a liar. But I find that fighting fear has me running to the truth and to love and the father of those - my Abba Father - who is always ready to comfort with arms open wide.
So last Sunday I couldn't think of anything to write. Then during the week all I could think to write was that Tuesday's change of weather here was fantastic for my spirit. Nothing lifts the cloud of depression that hangs over you in the gloominess of winter like the first day of bright blue, sunny skies reminding you that spring is coming. I didn't feel like that was enough for one post so I decided to just skip for the week.
This week's post is a little early because I have been trying to think of things related to my health to post about that I don't talk about. But I've been having a hard time thinking of things. During the week I thought I could post about how because of everything my body has under gone I am in constant pain. And how sometimes that drains the life out of me and other times I can get busy and mostly ignore it. But constant pain from your body being put through a lot of surgeries, even more medicine, and stress beyond belief is not a fun thing and is not normal. Laying in bed in the morning and having to make a mental check list of what hurts the most today and how that will effect your day stinks. And then getting up and having to do a quick check again because sometimes the simple act of standing up makes pain wake like a dragon who's just discovered you've touched his gold is not something that makes me want to start my day.
So there's that part of being a sick person put out there.
Last night/early this morning something else happened that I rarely talk about and don't always know how to express. So what happened was I was somewhere between asleep and awake and what was a nightmare turned into my mind trying to convince me that what I was dreaming was really happening. This type hallucination caused by some of my medicines has happened before and well it's never fun. It's never fun to know your mind is lying to you. Yet it's even harder to not get caught up in the fear that is being created by your own mind because you should be able to trust your mind. This time my mind was trying to tell me that I was in the hospital being rushed to the operating room because I was about to die. My mind is very good at making every thing around me in real life make sense in the other world it has created which makes everything feel more real. Having to half asleep tell your mind that what it is trying to say is an EMT bag next to you is really just a pillow takes a lot of effort. And well is just plain freaky. And not only do I have to tell myself that it is not real but I also have to try and wake myself up out of the weird state my mind and body are in. This is never easy and often result in me waking up at least crying. I have before woken up crying and whispering words of truth. The worst was when I woke up right into a panic attack because things were that vivid and the fear almost tangible.
When this happens I usually do not want to fall back asleep which only adds to my problems with insomnia. Not being able to trust your mind when you fall asleep makes me you not want to sleep even when I know I need it. And as you can probably imagine I often also want to be comforted when this happens. But I also find myself at times unable to articulate how medicine side effects have made it so that my brain thinks that what is not real is real. How can you really be comforted when you can't fully express why you are needing comfort.
I often find that I don't know how to explain that fear lives in my head hiding in every crevice and behind every good memory constantly reminding me that anything could be ruined by how sick I still am even when I am "healthy." Reminding me that not thinking about my health is not really something I can do.
But on the flip side of that in a way fear never means to it also reminds me that every moment I get is precious. Every second spent with my friends and family meaningful. Every chance to fling the seeds of Christ love taken.
It's true that fear is a liar. But I find that fighting fear has me running to the truth and to love and the father of those - my Abba Father - who is always ready to comfort with arms open wide.
Comments
Post a Comment