Updates and Other Thoughts
As many people know I moved out...which means my parents have an empty nest...but they have had an empty nest before when I lived in Arizona...and it's really no big deal to them...it seems like a lot of people think it's a big deal...they ask my parents what it's like having me moved out and they say quieter...and that's it...and they will tell people "this is what we raised our kids for, to move out and be on their own"...if we weren't out of the house I think they would be more upset...which in a way means as they have been raising us to move out they have been preparing themselves for the time when we wouldn't be there...which also means they still take the time for themselves and for each other...their world has never revolved around us...and I am thankful for that...
A lot of people have also been asking me what it's like to have my own place...and I love it...I have been wanting this since I had to move back in with my parents...see I did this whole living on my
own thing before...when I was in Arizona...when I had like 40% kidney function and rapidly decreasing...here I live about three block from my parents...in Arizona the closest family was half an hour away...so no it's not weird...no it didn't take me long to set up...yes I love it...I have been craving this even when lying in my bed on dialysis I was wanting my own place...and now I have it again...
Some of you know that I went to a Pink concert last night...and it was the time of my life...I know some people wanted me to take pictures but I didn't...because I like going to concerts and enjoying the whole experience without looking at it through the phone...seriously though I had so much freakin fun...I have been waiting for so long to see her in concert...not only is she fun but her audience is fun too...across the isle from us was an older lady who needed help getting down the stairs but when Pink was preforming that old lady was rocking out...I loved it...
Another update would be that I am having more troubles sleeping...I have not been napping during the day...and yet I still haven't been able to fall asleep until like two in the morning...so there is that...not really sure what that is all about...
As I have been up late I have been thinking about some different things...
One of the topics that usually comes up in my mind is how I tend to say that I don't like to cry...and I feel like there are some hidden truths behind that I should maybe share...I don't like to be the center of attention...I don't like to be fussed over...or pitied...but when you cry those things can easily happen...and it makes me super uncomfortable...which is why I hardly ever cry in public...people start rubbing my back or hugging me or whatever and I hate it...I don't want you to touch me when I am crying...for the most part that makes my skin crawl...if I need that I will come to you...most of the time though I will go off on my own to cry then come back when I am better...I also have noticed that a lot of times when I want to cry I start to wonder if it's ok to cry...am I allowed to cry...or even should I cry...I know that all sounds a bit ridiculous...but it is the truth...it's almost like I need someone to give me permission to cry and be vulnerable no matter what I am crying over...and though I have given myself permission many times this is still something that arises...
Another reason I bring this up is because I was crying quite a bit for me the other day...because I have a lot of doubts recently...especially with school...frankly it sucks...I hate it...I feel like I am not learning much of anything...and my doubts with school mean that I doubt what I am doing with my life...I doubt that I should be a librarian even though I have a personal library kit...and all my books are categorized by genre and then alphabetized...and my movies are alphabetized...and sort of sorted out by genre...that is just a taste of the doubts that I have...
So here is the deal...if you see me on skype late at night...feel free to call me...if you are praying at night would you pray for me especially then...because that's when the doubts really start to hit...
A lot of people have also been asking me what it's like to have my own place...and I love it...I have been wanting this since I had to move back in with my parents...see I did this whole living on my
own thing before...when I was in Arizona...when I had like 40% kidney function and rapidly decreasing...here I live about three block from my parents...in Arizona the closest family was half an hour away...so no it's not weird...no it didn't take me long to set up...yes I love it...I have been craving this even when lying in my bed on dialysis I was wanting my own place...and now I have it again...
Some of you know that I went to a Pink concert last night...and it was the time of my life...I know some people wanted me to take pictures but I didn't...because I like going to concerts and enjoying the whole experience without looking at it through the phone...seriously though I had so much freakin fun...I have been waiting for so long to see her in concert...not only is she fun but her audience is fun too...across the isle from us was an older lady who needed help getting down the stairs but when Pink was preforming that old lady was rocking out...I loved it...
Another update would be that I am having more troubles sleeping...I have not been napping during the day...and yet I still haven't been able to fall asleep until like two in the morning...so there is that...not really sure what that is all about...
As I have been up late I have been thinking about some different things...
One of the topics that usually comes up in my mind is how I tend to say that I don't like to cry...and I feel like there are some hidden truths behind that I should maybe share...I don't like to be the center of attention...I don't like to be fussed over...or pitied...but when you cry those things can easily happen...and it makes me super uncomfortable...which is why I hardly ever cry in public...people start rubbing my back or hugging me or whatever and I hate it...I don't want you to touch me when I am crying...for the most part that makes my skin crawl...if I need that I will come to you...most of the time though I will go off on my own to cry then come back when I am better...I also have noticed that a lot of times when I want to cry I start to wonder if it's ok to cry...am I allowed to cry...or even should I cry...I know that all sounds a bit ridiculous...but it is the truth...it's almost like I need someone to give me permission to cry and be vulnerable no matter what I am crying over...and though I have given myself permission many times this is still something that arises...
Another reason I bring this up is because I was crying quite a bit for me the other day...because I have a lot of doubts recently...especially with school...frankly it sucks...I hate it...I feel like I am not learning much of anything...and my doubts with school mean that I doubt what I am doing with my life...I doubt that I should be a librarian even though I have a personal library kit...and all my books are categorized by genre and then alphabetized...and my movies are alphabetized...and sort of sorted out by genre...that is just a taste of the doubts that I have...
So here is the deal...if you see me on skype late at night...feel free to call me...if you are praying at night would you pray for me especially then...because that's when the doubts really start to hit...
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