I've been writing

And listening to Jason Gray's song "Without Running Away" on repeat...some of the lines that I am finding sticking in my head on this night would be "and be free of the burden of living that hoping requires" and "broken and bleeding I'm waiting for healing to come"...

I'm a feeling a bit uneasy today...this wasn't my best week and it was full of so many ups and downs I felt a bit like I was on a roller coaster and I have never been a fan of those...today I am feeling a bit sick and that's no fun...and I had my last iron IV this week...it took three tries to get the IV started...and an appointment with my kidney doctor that though I drove to it crying I left in a really good mood because he was super thrilled with blood pressure and my nutrition...and then I volunteered at the high school library on Thursday and it was one of the best days of my life...but then I had an appointment with my gp on Friday...and I went into it in a goodish mood but then I left feeling defeated...I felt like why did I come see some one who has been sort of negative today when I am seeing people  monthly who are positive about what is going on with my life with my health...and then I was crying a lot the rest of the day...so back and forth with crying and laughing and crying and laughing...not fun...not a fan...

Also we had to go back to a sharp needle on my one button hole for dialysis because the channel that we use for the blunts was starting to heal shut...and let me just say using a sharp and having the buttonhole reform kills...the pain is horrible...I don't know how to accurately describe it because when it hurts that's all I can think about...so dealing with that has not been fun either...

Being a moody Mandy is not fun...I wish I could just be happy with my life and not let things get me down so much...like I have been getting upset that I feel like my life is going nowhere right now...when I should be happy that my health is doing a little bit better and that I am starting to volunteer doing what I want to do with my life...but instead I feel like I can't get my eyes off the negative...

But one big positive of the week I have decided I am going to actually have a graduation party for reals now...I thought about it over the summer but then dad had his accident and that kind of put a hold on things...but it's a big freakin deal that I graduated when I should have died a couple times in there...and I still graduated on time...and I want to acknowledge how big of a deal that is...I mean I did homework in the freaking ICU after being flown in a helicopter via life flight to Peoria when my hemoglobin was 2.2...why I couldn't just let it be and not do homework I don't know...it's times like that when I think "what is wrong with me"...so yeah we are going to have a grad party...not for sure about when yet but I am kind of excited about it...

This week my goal is to let myself feel whatever emotions come...since I am bad at that and try to pretend even when I am alone that I am ok even when I am not...but to also try to look on the bright side and see all that I have to be thankful for...

Starting right now one of the things I am very thankful for is these girls...my cabin from camp...they keep me laughing and inspire me even from miles away...also this picture is amazeballs...so thankful Chris was there to capture the moment...