This has not been my best week

So sorry if I come across cranky...

I sort of feel bad saying that because I have been able to do a lot...more than I normally do...and I have gotten to hang out with my friends a lot...they have been their normal great selves showing me how much they love me by inviting me to things and sort of making me go...and by letting me help them with things I am good at...and those things should out weigh how rough this week has been...

But I have been having multiple days where the enormity of what is going on in my life has hit me hard and I feel a bit lost and more than just a tad overwhelmed...and well like I don't want to get out of bed...so I probably picked a bad week to start to try to get up early...I find myself crying a lot over dumb stuff which is not me...but I keep giving myself permission to do that because well I need a kidney and without one I am living in a dying body...so that's kind of depressing...and if you haven't noticed my dad is missing a foot and adjusting to life as it is now is not going as fast as I would like it too...at no fault to anyone...it's just the process of getting used to new things and a new life...and well I am impatient and want all those things to be worked out now...but that's not quite how it works...so impatient added to frustrated doesn't equal anything pretty...I just want a freaking kidney already...really I am having a "I hate my life moment" which sort of happens more often than I let on because I don't want to be dramatic or annoying...and because even though I get frustrated with my life I know God has a purpose in this somewhere and that people are learning from this (be it me or others)...

I find myself having a hard time with the journey of it though...I know that often times it is the journey that is more important that the destination...but holy hot shit this journey sucks big time...I'm trying to stay positive and see what I can learn from what is going on with me and my family...but I am not really succeeding...part of me feels like I am in that shock stage still...you know the part where I was walking away from dad's Critical Care Unit room trying not to collapse in the hallway because he looked like death...the part where I let myself loose it for a hot second cause there was no way I was gonna hold that in...my choices were crying or throwing up...I guess I chose the lesser of two very uncomfortable things...and now all of me is saying hot damn B why don't you just cry about it and get it over with...but my head says you should be over that...so which wins emotions or my head trying to as always turn things into a logical argument...and if I cry during this whole dang journey how in the hell am I supposed to learn anything...

And even though I feel like this cheapens anything that anyone says after this...I could really use some encouragement because I keep wondering if I am doing anything right...how I'm living my life...how I am trying to handle all the things that are thrown at our family...how I am treating other people...just it all...

Kind of sucks when insecurities hit when you are already down...