Hot mess

So remember how a couple of weeks ago I kept writing these posts that were full of scriptures and made me sound smart...I do...because I would write them without really thinking and then I would read back over them thinking I probably wrote the dumbest things ever and then it turned out all beautiful...and I would be all like "dang, God that's just what I needed to hear. Thanks for using my own fingers to encourage me and remind me who I am"...I wish I had that going on right now because I need that encouragement...but I got nothing...

So on to my doctor's appointment...

We talked about how my blood pressure is getting high again so I am on another high blood pressure medicine...and he lowered my dry weight...he wants to see if drying me out will make my bp go down...and I am off my binder that I had to take before every time I ate...so that's good...um my surgery thing on the 28th of February might end up just being a scope with a biopsy...I don't really know...he talked to the doctor and I talked to the doctor's nurse and we were told different things so whatever...besides that both myself and the doctor had a lot of positives to say at this appointment because my labs were so good and I have been feeling so good with my hemoglobin being up...it's crazy how much energy I have now...also I told my nurse what I told some of you on facebook...that I lied when my nurse said I hadn't told her my bps...cause I had three different times but I agreed with her that I hadn't...so I told her that...and she didn't really acknowledge that I said anything...and then when the doctor came in she said that I hadn't told her...so I sort of feel like she threw me under the bus...and I am kind of mad about that...I didn't say anything because I was so shocked...I feel torn because I like my nurse...like I think she is a nice person and she's fun to be around...but I don't feel like she is that great at being my nurse...like she forgets so much that I tell her...and I don't feel like she is listening to me when I do tell her things...so I don't know what to do...all I know is that it is frustrating...so I am kind of stuck because I don't want to be a jerk but at the same time it's my health and I need to speak up and make sure that I am heard...

Which leads to me something else I was going to talk about...

I was rereading some of my blog the other day and I noticed that oftentimes I come across as a grumpy loud mouthed jerk...because I write a lot of my frustrations with well everything...and sometimes that can be emotional...and I sort of worry about that sometimes...which is probably weird...but I worry that people will read the things that I want to say or the things that I think and that will make them not want to be friends with me...I mean you get me completely "as is" on here...I don't hide anything...so sometimes I swear and say other things that aren't church appropriate...and I talk about wanting to punch people when they are being idiots...and I often wonder if that scares people off...

But as my mom reminds me it's my blog so I can say whatever I want...and I have to remind myself that I may come across that way on my blog and sometimes in life but the people around me are continually telling me that they love being around me and that I am friendly...which I would never call myself...but since a lot of people say that they must be right...

And I know it could just be me who thinks that when I write I sound like the biggest negative Nancy on the planet...but I just needed to clarify those things for myself..

So I guess with all of that I want to say thank you for loving me and putting up with me despite how difficult I can be...it's nice to have people around who think the world of you not just when you look great and are doing great things...but when you are a hot mess too...because I am a hot mess a lot of the time...or at least I feel like I am...