What day is it again?
All yesterday I kept thinking it was Tuesday...and again today I can't seem to remember what day of the week it is...I'm pretty sure that means I am losing my mind...
First things first...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow in Peoria...might be interesting since my blood pressure (bp) is going super high again...and has been causing headaches the past two days...that's how that whole mess over a year ago started...I had high bp and headaches for months which led to the seizures...I'm kind of annoyed because I told my nurse 3 times that my bp has been higher and then when I told her for a 4th time yesterday she said I hadn't told her...I didn't correct her...I don't like doing that but when it comes to my health I need to...so I am going to try to do that tomorrow...hopefully my doctor will lower my epo dose...and maybe put me on some more bp meds...as long as I get rid of this headache that would be great...
I am also a little annoyed with U of I...I know some people are expecting me to say it's the best school ever but the more I learn about the program the more frustrated I get and the more I miss GCU...I don't understand why with an online class I have to be "in class" at a certain time...I feel like this should be more like other online classes where you read the lecture and do the work all on your own time whenever you can...I don't understand why I have to be present at a certain time with the rest of the class...that's called a satellite class not an online class...mind you I am still going to do it but I am frustrated right now...mainly because my Tuesday class starts the time that I tend to get off dialysis so that could cause problems...I decided to tell the teacher about it and I don't know what she thinks of it...I shouldn't have told her but just signed in even if I was still on dialysis but just turned my mic off...since the machine is loud...I hope this doesn't cause a ton of problems if I do end up having a surgery...they knew I was dealing with all of this but now I am not sure that they like that my schedule is so unpredictable...whatever...
Besides all of that I feel like my emotions have been all over the place...things have sort of been falling into place with my health...like my hemoglobin is up and I have crazy amount of energy that I can't remember the last time I felt this good and we are getting my next surgery scheduled so that I can get the rest of this mass out of me so I can move closer to transplant...but I haven't sent in blood for testing in a long time because I am on hold while having these surgeries...but I need to have them before I can have a transplant...which basically just means I have to wait longer for a kidney...and I hate it..I've said it before and I'll probably say it a million times more...I have no patience...I feel like so many other things are moving forward but I am still in the same place waiting for a transplant...so that is making me emotional...one minute I am over the moon because I have so much energy and the next I am crying because I still have a toxic dump of a kidney sitting in my body...if this is what being bi-polar feels like it is no freakin fun...
I was thinking a little about my crazy emotions the other day when we were in church because I wanted to cry my eyes out so bad...but I didn't...because I was in public...and I don't want people around me afterwards telling me how everything will be alright and blah blah blah...or looking at me with those sympathy eyes...sometimes when people look at me like that I just want to be like "I get it. My life sucks so bad that it makes you realize how good you've got it. But take that attitude somewhere else because you are only making me feel worse and feel like I have the shittiest life on the planet"...but that's not church appropriate...nor is it a good thing to say when people are trying to be nice or be what they think is helpful/encouraging...the thing is I just want to cry...get it all out of my system and then get back to my normal wacky life with my jacked up body...I'm not crying because I want to make a show of myself or my circumstances...I'm not crying so you can come recite Bible verses to me...I'm crying because in that moment it's all that I can do as my emotions/frustrations or whatever go crazy and words don't fit that raging...yet as I cry unable to express myself God still understands me...
First things first...I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow in Peoria...might be interesting since my blood pressure (bp) is going super high again...and has been causing headaches the past two days...that's how that whole mess over a year ago started...I had high bp and headaches for months which led to the seizures...I'm kind of annoyed because I told my nurse 3 times that my bp has been higher and then when I told her for a 4th time yesterday she said I hadn't told her...I didn't correct her...I don't like doing that but when it comes to my health I need to...so I am going to try to do that tomorrow...hopefully my doctor will lower my epo dose...and maybe put me on some more bp meds...as long as I get rid of this headache that would be great...
I am also a little annoyed with U of I...I know some people are expecting me to say it's the best school ever but the more I learn about the program the more frustrated I get and the more I miss GCU...I don't understand why with an online class I have to be "in class" at a certain time...I feel like this should be more like other online classes where you read the lecture and do the work all on your own time whenever you can...I don't understand why I have to be present at a certain time with the rest of the class...that's called a satellite class not an online class...mind you I am still going to do it but I am frustrated right now...mainly because my Tuesday class starts the time that I tend to get off dialysis so that could cause problems...I decided to tell the teacher about it and I don't know what she thinks of it...I shouldn't have told her but just signed in even if I was still on dialysis but just turned my mic off...since the machine is loud...I hope this doesn't cause a ton of problems if I do end up having a surgery...they knew I was dealing with all of this but now I am not sure that they like that my schedule is so unpredictable...whatever...
Besides all of that I feel like my emotions have been all over the place...things have sort of been falling into place with my health...like my hemoglobin is up and I have crazy amount of energy that I can't remember the last time I felt this good and we are getting my next surgery scheduled so that I can get the rest of this mass out of me so I can move closer to transplant...but I haven't sent in blood for testing in a long time because I am on hold while having these surgeries...but I need to have them before I can have a transplant...which basically just means I have to wait longer for a kidney...and I hate it..I've said it before and I'll probably say it a million times more...I have no patience...I feel like so many other things are moving forward but I am still in the same place waiting for a transplant...so that is making me emotional...one minute I am over the moon because I have so much energy and the next I am crying because I still have a toxic dump of a kidney sitting in my body...if this is what being bi-polar feels like it is no freakin fun...
I was thinking a little about my crazy emotions the other day when we were in church because I wanted to cry my eyes out so bad...but I didn't...because I was in public...and I don't want people around me afterwards telling me how everything will be alright and blah blah blah...or looking at me with those sympathy eyes...sometimes when people look at me like that I just want to be like "I get it. My life sucks so bad that it makes you realize how good you've got it. But take that attitude somewhere else because you are only making me feel worse and feel like I have the shittiest life on the planet"...but that's not church appropriate...nor is it a good thing to say when people are trying to be nice or be what they think is helpful/encouraging...the thing is I just want to cry...get it all out of my system and then get back to my normal wacky life with my jacked up body...I'm not crying because I want to make a show of myself or my circumstances...I'm not crying so you can come recite Bible verses to me...I'm crying because in that moment it's all that I can do as my emotions/frustrations or whatever go crazy and words don't fit that raging...yet as I cry unable to express myself God still understands me...
Comments
Post a Comment