I'm not gonna lie...

Monday was hard...I should have been excited because when we went and saw my surgeon he said that my fistula looked good and that it would work...since I have been having nightmares that it doesn't work and have to have another surgery to try again it was nice to hear that it would work...he also said that it wouldn't get huge and look gross like I have been worried about so that's super nice...but when he told me I would have to go in this week to have an x-ray of my fistula and possibly a small balloon put in part of it to help stretch it out that's all I could focus on and I just wanted to cry...and some of the way home from Peoria I did...so that day was rough...I have that going on this week on Wednesday and then I go see my kidney doc right after that...well after I get some lunch...

I am also still losing my hair...that has been an interesting journey...found out that happens because of a med we put in my cath to keep my blood from clotting in the line...when we tried to not use any or to lower the dose I was losing a lot of blood in the line so we had to go back to a higher dose...which means I am still losing my hair like crazy which is gross...some days I am more ok with that than others...the other day when I was in my room I saw some lyrics on my wall that I printed out...it's from a song by India Arie and P!nk titled "I Am Not My Hair"...here it is...

I have to remind myself that even though I do love my hair my life really is more important than my hair and my hair does not make me who I am...I am more than that...

This week I have been working on being positive and looking at the good things to try and keep my spirits up...I have been doing this to not only to stay positive but also to try and sort of live out one of my favorite verses Psalm 27:13&14 "I remain confidant of this:I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."...I want to see his goodness how as I wait for him to work this all out...

Part of doing this has been acknowledging my accomplishments...like that I finished my Short story and Shakespeare classes...or that I was able to get a lot done the other...or that I have been able to go out a take little walks out in this nice weather...I can't go that far yet but it is kind of a big deal that I can even take those short walks in the first place...I need to acknowledge that it's a big deal and celebrate those things instead of beat myself up that I can't do all that I would like to do...

Another part of enjoying life right now is the people that I have been able to see...I didn't mention it on Sunday but I was able to see my good friend Pat Mac because he came to the church...that was so nice...being able to spend some time with him laughing and catching up set my week off on a good start...he made me and Nicole laugh so much...the Pat Mac and the Twins made fun of us that it's easy to make us laugh...but as I told Nicole later I would rather laugh at everything than laugh at nothing...then that night we went out with my sister brother sister in law and nephews to celebrate my sister in laws birthday and my parents anniversary...we had a hard time finding a place for 8 people but we ended up at B-dubs and Jeremiah was mesmerized by the TV's...it was so freakin cute...even the manager stopped and thought he was funny...

Tuesday I got to see Mikey Cole's smiling face and I loved that...seeing him and some of the other people at Coalition was nice...some of those people put me in such a such a good mood with their genuine for me and my family...after that I headed out to my families cabin with the twins and Nicole for a girls night which I hadn't done in forever...plus the twins and Nicole had never been out to the cabin so it was fun to watch them experience that...we laughed so much and enjoyed being silly and the girls enjoyed scaring each other...it really was a lot of fun...then on Friday night my family went out to eat with the Kerr's at Salamandra's...gosh I love going there because everyone knows us...and of course I love spending time with the Kerr's since they are my other family...I think my parents enjoyed it too since they need that time with other people as well...after diner mom and I went out to the Saunder's ranch for a small get together with Tom Betty and the twins and some other people they had over...though I am disappointed in Daniel that I still haven't gotten to see this commercial he was in even if it was lame...all that day too I was texting with my good friend Autty and even just that puts me in a good mood because she is such a sweetheart...I wish I got to see her more often...

Then to top off my good week filled with love and friendship we went to the play in Orangeville last night and got to see a lot of people from camp...it was so fun to see them and to laugh...but also to feel like I matter because all these people care about me and want to see the best happen for me...they have been with me through a lot...like my brother Lance who always visits me in the hospital in Peoria when he can get there...he usually beings Krystle with too and I love the way they shower us with love...seeing other people too like Mak and Annette's bubbly personalities shine through as they came running to see us was encouraging...so was seeing the Obert's and being able to share with them in both our families struggles...or catching up with Amber and hearing about her almost passing out in the YMCA...I laughed so hard...I love having people like that around me who want to hearing about my life and truly share in the joys and the pains...as well as let me into their lives and share in their lives as well...

To close this post out I thought I would share some of the songs that have been helping me keep my spirits up and enjoy my life...

I want to remember everyday that it is good to be alive because everyday is a gift from God...

I don't want to miss anything because I am so busy doing other things "cause hopelessly the hope is that we have so much to feel good about"

heairng a ukulele always puts me in a good mood...and hearing this song puts things back into prespective for me that right now it may feel like it's a long way home but we will be there before we know it :)