stories of a real life wonder woman

Sorry I forgot to post yesterday ya'll we were having so much fun around here that posting didn't even cross my mind until sometime in the middle of the night. So my mom has this tradition that she started after all of the Lord of the Rings movies came out that every Christmas Eve she watches all the Lord of the Rings movies. Well the movies play all day but she doesn't sit in front of the TV all day. But she watches more than the rest of us because we sort of wander in and out watching bits and pieces here and there. The stories told within this trilogy lead to a grand moment of eucatastrohpe. Which makes sense because their creator coined the term. I know I have shared about eucatastrophe before but I believe it is worth talking about often. Eucatastrophe is when a situation that has come to the point when all hope is lost suddenly and unexpectedly has a turn around right into a happy ending. It's like this - the living members of the fellowship of the ring minu

So first I think I should maybe say yes I know I am crazy for driving in the crazy weather this weekend but sometimes you just need to be home with your family and some really great friends even if the weather is crap. Second I think I should share that life is still rather frustrating. I know that I can get frustrated easy but I also know that some of my current frustrations are valid. I will not go into detail about work frustrations because well I think that is unprofessional to do on social media and doing so won't change anything. However the other big frustration right now has to do with my dad's health/body. Now I am sure you all know about dad's accident so I don't really need to rehash that. Well his good leg (aka full leg including foot) now has some problems. More specifically his hip. He has been in so much pain he has been unable to work. Doctors in the area are thinking possibly a hip replacement but we and they are unsure about how possible that is and

First some fun things from the week - This week I had a student come to my desk and ask me if we had any collections other than books and how we stored them. This led to an almost hour long conversation with this student about archives. And she liked that we talked that long because she kept having more questions for me. She was working on a project for a business class about the storage of files so I went over with her some of the process that I am in the middle of. And I showed her/explained to her some of the changes that have been made in archives since I started. It was really cool to to talk to her that long and hear her say the things i did made sense to her right away. I loved that because I am trying to make things user-friendly so getting that feedback from her was amazing. And I loved that I got to talk to someone that long about something that I love to do. That definitely lifted my spirits that day. Then Friday one of the IT guys came to my desk when I was talking to o

I had a doctor's appointment this week and it was uneventful. Well uneventful in the health way cause I health is doing pretty great and that feels good to say. So instead it was an appointment where my doctor and I just laughed basically. I got my flu shot while I was there and then got sick on the way home because I forgot that I always feel the side effects of flu shots. So then I camped out on the couch feeling sick. And well the ups and downs of that day just foreshadowed what was to come for the week ahead. I have had mixed emotions all week for multiple reasons. Here's the truth - a lady at our library retired this week and I was really happy about it. Seeing how she lied to try to get our boss in trouble and then tried to do the same thing to get me in trouble got old really quick. And I would often feel swamped during the day only to look over and see her staring off into space. Those were some rough days. So it feels good to go into work knowing I won't have

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll. Ok I know it's after thanksgiving but still - It is always good to give thanks. I am thankful I got some time back home and I got to see quite a few people that I love. Always does my heart good to be reminded that I am deeply cared for. And though that always makes me harder for me to leave it also makes me appreciate those people even more. I just happen to think I know the best people - but really I think the secret to that is I know me and have tried to surround myself with the best people for me. People who are encouraging and who correct me in love. People who see the best in me even when I don't. People who aren't afraid to get a little dirty when life gets messy. I am also thankful for my job. I still had to work three days this week and in those three days I was amazed by how much I got done. Amazed by how far I have come in what I am working on and even since I started this job. I was trying to think the other night how to descr

I haven't made a decision yet on what to do with my blog - so no decision currently means I will keep posting even if I am not really sure what I should post about. This weekend as it has gotten colder I was reminded about how one of my least favorite things about being sick is having to do early morning blood tests when it's cold out. I mean blood tests already suck then add in all the scar tissue that has built up in my arms making needles going in them hurt more then add in early mornings then add in cold. That all makes it very hard to find motivation to do them at all. But I did this weekend when it was super windy. Also I say one of my least favorite because there are a lot of things I don't like about being sick. Something interesting that happened this week that I am still trying to wrap my head around is this - a stranger told me that I deserved a raise. Well sort of a stranger. I have been talking to an appraiser about a collection we recently received. Becaus

Hi all, First - I want to say I have been having a hard time for over a month or so with my blog. What I mean by that is I often feel like what do I write about. And I often feel like why am I writing. I started this blog as a way to help keep people updated with what was going on with my health. But now there is not much to update people about. And as I may have mentioned before I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to write things that feel like they are more powerful or meaningful than just some random thoughts of mine. And I start to think that I should maybe comment on things I know nothing about and as such have no right to comment about. And so I am often left thinking - what am I doing? I think sometimes I get a post or two right but most of the time I feel like I am just spewing nonsense - pouring my thoughts and emotions into something that doesn't get read. And so I am trying to decide what that means is next. What that means in terms of me writing th

First - I am not and have never been a baseball fan. I just think it's a slow moving game. Some people disagree and that's ok. But I am a history fan and so at first on Wednesday I was reading people's posts about game 7. While doing so I laughed at myself that my TV same like ten steps away and not on and about how no matter what this was a historic game. So I got out of bed and caught the last 5 minutes of the game. And I am glad I did and not just because I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon but because it's one of those events where I thought this story will be told and I was alive during it. I think that a lot because a lot is going on in our world that we are currently alive for. I think that's cool and also sort of a big deal. And it was nice Wednesday for it to be something good and not something tragic as it so often is. Second - Evidently people don't quite understand what I mean when I say I don't sleep or when I say I have insomnia. W

I was going to wait until tomorrow night to post but I got thinking that if I feel too tired to post tonight I am definitely going to feel too tired tomorrow night after working. So here goes... First - I have not been feeling great this weekend. Nothing to get alarmed about. It just happens when you are a sick person and on all kinds of meds to keep you alive. You have days where you don't have the strength for stuff and don't push yourself through anything because you don't have too. That has been me this weekend. Just feeling the overall pain that I usually have and letting that make me stay home. And that's ok. Which also means that I didn't get out of bed to go to church today. I was excited to go back to the most recent church I tried but I decided it was ok to stay in bed until well after church started. Sometimes pain and sickness win. It does suck but it is also normal. That's a fact of my life and that's ok. Speaking of that... Second - I h

So here's a little something I said at our staff meeting at BOND Saturday - "So I wrote this down because I'm a... (momma - 'word nerd') yeah. My work situation will be changing soon but more important than that my heart and mind have changed. But probably not in the way you were all hoping. I really am in a much better place and feeling more me than I have in years but I am at a place of peace where I feel like it's time for me to move on from this ministry. And I want to say thank you to all of you not only for making me feel loved but for making me feel important and useful. You have made me feel like my work here mattered - thank you. The fact that you all have been there for me and my family through some shit stuff of life makes saying goodbye to this ministry hard - but I still believe it is right for me. Thank for making my 15 or 16 years of ministry here great. I say 15 or 16 because I started as a dish girl when I was in junior high and did that for

Ok first about trying a new church. I know some of you might be surprised that I tried a new church today because everyone was so nice to me at the last church I tried but there is more to a church than how friendly everyone was. After going a few more times I realized it wasn't for me. So today I tried a new church. Getting to church is also an adventure as it is scary to go to new places let alone churches. I was already feeling nervous and then my pants split when I went to put on my socks. So then I had to extra calm myself down. Anyway my first impression when I walked in the door was to almost start laughing because they have the same gross orange pews as the church I grew up in. Soon after I sat down an older gentleman who I think was working greeting people came over and talked to me quite a bit and even got me a bulletin. When he came back with the bulletin I told him where I worked and he said his son worked there and I immediately knew who his son is. And then he introd

This week was much better than last mostly because I am not feeling as sick. I still have a little bit of a cough but I am feeling much better. In other news mom and dad had an open house at their home yesterday to thank the people that helped with it. It was fun to catch up with people and remember what the process was like. And I still think it's fun that people can't believe the whole front of the house that is now one big room used to be 5 very small rooms. During the open house I got thinking about how my parents interact with people. I love that even though people came over to celebrate with them and see the finished project my parents still took time all throughout the day to invest in other people. My parents love to ask people about their lives. And not just "how are you" type questions but questions that show that they know and are invested in those around them. My parents get that life is hard for everyone and that everyone is fighting some sort of batt

First I feel like I should give a little disclaimer this week. I am rather emotional today and have been for the past few days. That's what happens when I am sick. I have had some sort of cold all week and missed almost three fulls days of work so I am emotional cause of that. Also I watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night. Then today I watched Prince Caspian followed by Voyage of the Dawn Treader .  C.S. Lewis man - his words speak to my heart. So on the being sick note - I went into work for a few hours Monday but feeling like your throat is on fire quickly makes you want to crawl back into bed. And then the next two days I couldn't breathe out of my nose and felt generally out of it. When I was in school I most likely would have pushed myself through those kinds of days. Wearing myself out even more and infecting those around me with what I had. Telling myself that I couldn't miss. That not being there was worse than being there and feeling like shit

Guys I can't begin to tell you how great the last 32-ish hours have been. Seriously. Ok so we had the 50th anniversary celebration of the founding of the college yesterday (Saturday) and I have been working with my colleagues for months trying to get all the displays and such ready for this event. Getting some of the things set up last week felt really good and then yesterday seeing people look at the different things and talk about their own memories was a lot of fun. It was fun to see people and think oh that's so and so who taught this subject. Things that I know from working in archives daily, seeing their faces in photos, and reading about what they did. It was nice to see all my hard work on display showing off the school and it's history. And though that was super cool it was made so much better by the fact that my family came for it. My parents and grandparents (mom's side) came down before the event so that we could go out to lunch. Then while I was s

I feel like I have all these different things to say but I am not sure where to start. I guess first I will say when I was getting ready to head to mom and dad's a few days ago for the weekend I put together a playlist that I think is pretty rad. I know that might seem like a weird thing to start with or even to say. But I believe that music often speaks to a part of us that cannot as easily be reached by anything else. And this playlist I put together has not only been lifting my spirits but is speaking to a part of me that has been neglected. It's a playlist of a couple of albums I used to listen to all the time when I was originally trying to figure out who I was and they also helped me be ok with being different from those around me on a daily basis. Tapping back into that has felt a bit like a type of healing for my soul. I love that God does that and works in that way. Overall this week has been up and down but I have really been trying harder than ever to see the pos

I should have written the other day when I was in a good mood and had ideas of what to write. Now instead I can't remember at all what I was going to write and I'm a bit cranky. See I thought I was doing really good at not being so stressed out at work and chilling out about things. But then yesterday I spent a lot of time crying and not because I watched an emotional movie. I'm just tired ya'll. I am sure I am not the only one who gets tired of daily life. I enjoy my job and most of the people I work with but it is a lot of work. And pretty much everyday this week I wanted to stay in bed instead of go in. Other people feel this way too right? That you love your job but also need a break. Either way I am there. So I am thinking about taking a personal day soon. I have to remember to talk to my boss about it or I won't do it and then I will cry even more. Anyway other than that I had a doctor's appointment this week. Just a follow up on my scope and we di

I am aware that I am a little late in writing this. Last night I thought "I have tomorrow to write." And then continued watching movies and it was lovely. I don't know about you but the extra day off has been needed and great. I think that we all need breaks now and then and I am trying to get better at actually taking breaks. For the past few days I have been trying to think of how to say what I want to post about this week. What is happening is actually a good thing but I feel like I don't quite know how to describe it. What is happening is that I feel like slowly but surely I am seeing myself again for who I am. I use the word seeing but that doesn't quite sound right but it is a better choice than finding. It's more like I am beginning to do and say things again that my true self loves to do and doing it without thinking about it. When it happens I have these little moments where I think "Oh, there you are." about myself. Which sort of make

I feel like my brain doesn't work today so you will ahve to forgive me if nothing I write makes sense. I have spent the whole weekend doing nothing at home. I haven't gotten to do that since June and it has been so nice. I don't get me wrong I love going home and seeing my family and friends but I also love sleeping all day and not having anything scheduled. This weekend has been a much needed break for me and at the moment I don't want it to end. But you know work - so it has to end. Here's the thing. I love my job. I do. But not having the summer off and being more busy during the summer than the rest of the year had me not feeling ready to welcome the students back this week. But we did and it was fine. I'm just tired man. Anyway work - it's been nice to see that I am more confident this year about things that I was terrified to do last year. Not feeling anxious about students coming back or answering their questions was nice. Makes me feel good to

This week has been ok. Students come back tomorrow so people have been stressing out and freaking out about that. And the 50th Anniversary Celebration of the college is coming up in about a month so people are stressing out and freaking out about that. And I all too often put pressure on myself to make it so that others don't stress out or get to the point of freaking out. But that's really not my job and then makes me stress out and freak out because it is also not in my control what others emotions are going to do. I have been thinking about how I have been sharing some triumphs lately and I want it to be clear that I am not doing that too brag. Like I don't say that I am great at my job as a brag. I say it because I need to remember that. I am 100 times better at remembering the bad things and the times I have messed up than I am at remembering the good. I have been feeling like if I vocalize these things and talk about the good I have been doing maybe I will

I ma so sorry ya'll. I just remembered I was gonna post today. I  didn't want to post yesterday at my normal time because I was so grouchy and emotional. I get that way when I am tired and I hadn't slept more than four hours a night for the previous 5 nights. Anyway I got some sleep last night so I am in a better mood today. Basically the last couple days have been incredible. First I found something really cool in archives. I cannot wait until I can tell you all about it. It has reminded me that I am good at what I do and that I am in the right field. A lot of people where I work are pretty excited about it and so glad I found it. I will definitely tell you all more as soon as I can. Second I got to see a bunch of people that I love this weekend. A friend of ours got married and gosh it is always good to see people that I care about happy. Does my heart good and reminds me that there is good in this broken and hurting world. I didn't really tear up the dance floo

"I yelled in the wind, it came rolling back to sweep me off my feet. I cried to rain, it came pouring down to drown my disbelief." - Relient K from the song God First my appointment with my kidney doctor this week went good. We always end up laughing about so many things unrelated to my health and I love that. Recently when I met a new doctor I wasn't nervous or as shy as I would have been a few years ago. I felt like I could actually ask questions and get answers instead of fearing being blown off. I credit doctor Sader for that because for the longest time I was scared to ask him things because I had had a string of doctors who it seemed like didn't know how to help me or want to help me or what. I had doctors that made me feel like I wasn't heard so I just stopped talking. Dr. Sader reminded me that I am heard and I should be heard. So I feel like I have that confidence before doctors again because of him. And with all the doctors I have to see that feels rea

First a few little updates - I have a scope on Friday. Depending on the size of the polyps I have in my stomach this time they should be removed during the scope. If they are really big I might have to schedule another scope later. Also I got into a car accident last night. Just me and my car misjudging traffic and then not wanting to hit a semi. Luckily I was going slow enough that hitting the road divider wasn't that big a deal (my air bags didn't even deploy.) But my car still needs work done to it. And it still was no fun. But no one was hurt or sent to the hospital because of my mistake and so I am trying to look at the good instead of the bad. Anywho... This weekend was a lot of fun. I stayed home Friday night with the intention of going to see the hot air balloons here but then after work was so worn out that I didn't want to leave my house. So I didn't. Then Saturday I headed to mom and dad's so we could go out to my grandpa's cabin that night fo

I have no idea what to write today. You would think that after a few weeks off I would have a lot to write but instead I don't really have anything. I have been staring at this open page for about 30 minutes trying to think of what to write or how to describe what has been happening. So far I really have nothing. I guess I could start with health since talking about that has become easy since it is such a large part of my life. I am ok-ish health wise. Lately I have been sick to my stomach most of the time. It has been over a year since my last scope. Since I have to go yearly to get polyps cut out that obstruct the opening to my intestines going a little longer than a year has cause some sickness. I say some but some days it feel unmanageable. I had to take a day off of work recently because of feeling so sick to my stomach. So that is a bit depressing. I do have an appointment for a scope in a little less than a week so that's a positive I am trying to focus on. Other tha

First a little heads up - Camp is coming up so I will not be posting when I normally do. This might be my last post for a few weeks but I will be back. If you would be so inclined - pray for us. Pray that God would be at work in ways that we cannot ignore. The past few days have been pretty good. I have been at my parents for the 4th. I love all the festivities that go on in my hometown around the 4th - I don't attend them all but I do think it is fun that my town tries to do a lot of different things so that people can enjoy the weekend. It's one of the many reason why I am proud to be from here. I have said it before but I love being from a small town. I know it means people are always in your business but truthfully I don't often mind because it means people know you and care about you. I don't see how that is bad but I have seen how people band around each other when life gets rough. And though I am starting to form that kind of community where I currently liv

Guys this week has been rough but also incredibly good. First rough because we have been sorting through 1000 books since Wednesday night as fast as we can. One of our locations closed and we thought we were going to get the books from there much sooner. Since we didn't we have only about a week to sort and re-catalog all of them. That may not sound like a lot but with all the places we have to check it is. Also at the moment only our librarian is doing the re-cataloging which is a lot of work for her. We are getting it done but I think it is wearing us all out. I know it is me. Also this week has been rough because my insomnia has been worse than normal. I try not to talk about it much because posting about how I am wake in bed at 2:00 am again won't change it. Also every one has reason why they are tired. But this week has had me feeling a bit like a zombie - unable to sleep and cranky. So normal things have made me more emotional cause I feel like my brain hasn't had

First - I love that Jason Gray just released an album titled "Where the Light gets in" and Switchfoot is soon releasing an album titled "Where the Light Shines Through." I think that's cool that the titles are so similar and they are about the same thing - that God works in our brokenness. Second - I had an in office appointment with my GI doc that was pretty uneventful and we set up a time for my yearly scope. Even though I know that I will have to go every year for probably the rest of my life that still can be a hard reality to swallow. I can tell I was having a hard time with it the other day because I kept stressing about scheduling the appointment and missing work and some of the unimportant things that really aren't the root of the problem. Anyway I have calmed down now and I work with people who are all very understanding so time off is really no problem which then reminds me that Jesus knew this job would be a good fit for me. Today I celebrate

Three year appointment on Friday went well. I took the whole day off for it since it was in the middle of the day and I usually have to wait a long time at that office. I did not have to wait as long Friday which was nice and everything went well. I met another new doctor and liked this one a lot. He said something like "I can't believe I am meeting you just to say goodbye" since three years is the last follow up I have to do in that office. And then later he said "I don't want to see you again. I hope you know what I mean" and I did. The only way they would see me in that office again was if I was to the point of needing a transplant again. So that was all good nothing really to report. Then I got to relax the rest of the day which was much needed because I have been stressing out and getting frustrated again. Maybe one day I won't be so hard on myself but today is not that day. And even though I really do like my church I have still being feeling lik

Oh my gosh - Today was so good. I have been here since August. I have tried 3 different churches including the one I tried today. I have felt ignored and a bit shamed for being sick. I have tried to make bad things work. I have cried thinking of how I didn't want to go to a church where I didn't feel I belonged. I have ducked out of service early. And yet I have put myself out there time and time again knowing that I need that connection only to feel unwanted. But today - guys today was so what I needed. Five people talked to be before the service including the pastor. So then for the first time since I have moved here I actually took communion. That felt like a big step. Then during church one of the ladies I had already talked to invited me to stay after since they were having pizza before a meeting. Then after church another lady invited me to stay as well. Then when I tried to leave since I don't actually know anyone (Who would I sit with?) the pastor kind of bl

This week I tried to take some time to rest. I talked to my boss at the start of the week to let her know some of the things I have been freaking out about at work and to ask if it was ok if I took a day off to try to relax. She told me "Yes!" because she gets that it is hard to do your best work or really any work when you are stressed out of your mind. She later told me that when I went in to talk to her she was worried I was going to say I got another job and was leaving her and she thought "no you can't leave me!" (I only share that part because I need to remember how valued I am.) So in the middle of the week I took a day off and because my boss approved it I felt like I could actually relax without freaking out about the work I was missing like I did when I took a sick day. I would love to say taking that day off and actually resting solved everything but it didn't. I have still had a lot of rough days and rough moments. Evidently I don't kno

I feel like I don't quite know how to talk about this week. I got stressed out and annoyed and I freaked out. Not at anyone not even when anyone was around. But I lost it a bit in my car yelling and then at home yelling some more. Which then translated into crying most of the weekend. Like can't stop having a hard time breathing crying. I am putting a lot of pressure on myself at work to not mess up and do as much as I can in this project I am working on. Which is then stressing me out. Then because I am stressed out little things are annoying me quickly. Things that I am still learning to deal with and ignore are instead pulling me down with incredible force and weight. This is also making it easier for the devils lies to seep in and take root which also causes more stress and doubt. And I gotta be honest fighting all of that daily and even by the hour and minute is wearing me out. And so at the moment I am more often than I would like to believing the lies because I

Early days = a grouchy BB. Though construction yesterday also = a grouchy BB. I didn't post last night like I usually do because I was sooo grouchy and I feel like I have posted too many times recently when I have been grouchy. But then today having to be into work three and a half hours earlier than normal means I am a bit grouchy. I have been a little on edge because at work we are trying to wrap up the school years budget. My boss seems nervous and stressed about that so I am nervous and stressed about that. I have a tiny bit of background in accounting and somehow that means I am the expert on it in the library and that makes me nervous because I don't take handling money lightly. I want to be trusted to do the job right and well you know actually do the job right. So I have been putting some pressure on myself over that trying to not make any huge mistakes but still often fearing that I am. And I have been not so patiently waiting to hear the results of a blood tes

Because of this - http://stuffchristianslike.net/2014/01/02/thinking-youre-naked-2/ I made mom this - If you didn't follow the link and read the post you really should. It is an old post that I have reread multiple times and I am sure my mom has too. Because shame is powerful and listening to the right voices can be hard too do. I have not been doing the best at that. It can be easy for me to see myself through the lies of the enemy. To hear his words of hate and think they are true about me. Big ones for me lately are that I am not enough and that I don't have a place where I belong. Those have been made worse by having a hard time finding a church and continuing to go to one where I feel unwelcome. These lies are also why I have been overly focused on what I can accomplish at work because if I can work hard and do a good job then I have worth and have a place. Its not that working hard and feeling like I belong at work are a bad thing I just have exceedingly

Here's the thing - I don't really want to write today. Because I know that on here I try to be as open and honest as possible about things in my life and well that's hard. I wish it were easier. I wish I had things to say that were more fun. But I don't. I sat through work at the beginning of the week when I felt like I was going to throw up all day. Then spent the next day at home on my couch beating myself up for calling in sick even though I still felt sick. And then the next few days I more than likely over did it but got through them. This weekend as per usual I have been emotional and upset about life leading me here. Which was made worse by church today. It's not anything the pastor said - I actually didn't even stay long enough to hear him preach. We sang and I tried not to cry. We shook each others hands and I tried not to cry. We sat down for the message to start and I tried not to cry. The pastor got up and said we were doing communion fir

Oh man I don't even know what to report. As per usual this week has me worn out. I have sent most of today in bed and I slept in late yesterday as well. I like feeling like I am working hard but I don't like how it wears me out. I know I am sick and that's why I get worn out so quickly but sometimes it still sucks that my young body acts like an old body because everything it has been through. That is still a tough pill to swallow sometimes.  This week also has me worn out because I made the trip back and forth from mom and dad's house in one day. My aunt and my cousin's baby were in town so I took a half day off work to see them. We had a family dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Now don't get me wrong I love my family. I would not be who I am without them. But sometimes when we are together it can get a little overwhelming for me. Because we are all loud, talking over each other and wanting attention. Sometimes that is more than I can handle. Since