Tough Day
Here's the thing - I don't really want to write today. Because I know that on here I try to be as open and honest as possible about things in my life and well that's hard.
I wish it were easier. I wish I had things to say that were more fun. But I don't.
I sat through work at the beginning of the week when I felt like I was going to throw up all day. Then spent the next day at home on my couch beating myself up for calling in sick even though I still felt sick. And then the next few days I more than likely over did it but got through them.
This weekend as per usual I have been emotional and upset about life leading me here.
Which was made worse by church today. It's not anything the pastor said - I actually didn't even stay long enough to hear him preach.
We sang and I tried not to cry.
We shook each others hands and I tried not to cry.
We sat down for the message to start and I tried not to cry.
The pastor got up and said we were doing communion first and I though "I have to get out of here."
So when he started praying I ducked out and started crying when I got in my car.
I know I have said it before but since it is something I am dealing with often it bares repeating - going to church and sitting alone when no one talks to you is hard. Sitting in church when people laugh and fellowship around you straight sucks. Being with part of the body of Christ but feeling like you are not part of the body of Christ is the worst.
And at this point I don't know what to do. I could try another church but I have no idea where to go. When I asked before I was told the church I am going to now and the church that I tried and did not like. I could see about going with someone from work but so far it seems like people either live out of town or they go to the church I did not like.
And sometimes it feels like things are not getting better here at all.
But then I remember how much I love my job. And I remember some of the great conversations I had this week with co-workers and I think I will make it.
But I have to find believers who want to do life with me like I long to do life with them.
You know where you are involved in all the messy hard stuff outside of church and in homes, hospital rooms, and the sacred places where your heart lives.
I wish it were easier. I wish I had things to say that were more fun. But I don't.
I sat through work at the beginning of the week when I felt like I was going to throw up all day. Then spent the next day at home on my couch beating myself up for calling in sick even though I still felt sick. And then the next few days I more than likely over did it but got through them.
This weekend as per usual I have been emotional and upset about life leading me here.
Which was made worse by church today. It's not anything the pastor said - I actually didn't even stay long enough to hear him preach.
We sang and I tried not to cry.
We shook each others hands and I tried not to cry.
We sat down for the message to start and I tried not to cry.
The pastor got up and said we were doing communion first and I though "I have to get out of here."
So when he started praying I ducked out and started crying when I got in my car.
I know I have said it before but since it is something I am dealing with often it bares repeating - going to church and sitting alone when no one talks to you is hard. Sitting in church when people laugh and fellowship around you straight sucks. Being with part of the body of Christ but feeling like you are not part of the body of Christ is the worst.
And at this point I don't know what to do. I could try another church but I have no idea where to go. When I asked before I was told the church I am going to now and the church that I tried and did not like. I could see about going with someone from work but so far it seems like people either live out of town or they go to the church I did not like.
And sometimes it feels like things are not getting better here at all.
But then I remember how much I love my job. And I remember some of the great conversations I had this week with co-workers and I think I will make it.
But I have to find believers who want to do life with me like I long to do life with them.
You know where you are involved in all the messy hard stuff outside of church and in homes, hospital rooms, and the sacred places where your heart lives.
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