Ok

I was going to wait until tomorrow night to post but I got thinking that if I feel too tired to post tonight I am definitely going to feel too tired tomorrow night after working.

So here goes...

First - I have not been feeling great this weekend. Nothing to get alarmed about. It just happens when you are a sick person and on all kinds of meds to keep you alive. You have days where you don't have the strength for stuff and don't push yourself through anything because you don't have too. That has been me this weekend. Just feeling the overall pain that I usually have and letting that make me stay home. And that's ok. Which also means that I didn't get out of bed to go to church today. I was excited to go back to the most recent church I tried but I decided it was ok to stay in bed until well after church started. Sometimes pain and sickness win. It does suck but it is also normal. That's a fact of my life and that's ok.

Speaking of that...

Second - I haven't been feeling great the past week or so. Just worn out ya'll. Which also happens and is nothing to worry about. And feeling worn out has me craving a break and has me thinking how do we as humans do what we do every week. Even when it's a job we like going into work everyday is wearing on me. I have this feeling that it's not just me that gets worn out by this or why would we have things like vacation days and personal days not to mention sick days. And I really do love my job but sleeping all day for like a week sounds so nice right now. I'm not going to but I want to. And I think that might be ok.

Which in a round about way brings me to the last thing on my mind...

Third - After my post last week people have been telling me things like "I can't wait to see what God has for you next." And I gotta tell you though its not meant this way that makes me feel some pressure. Like I have to do some big extravagant thing. But right now I am feeling like rest. And that's ok. Something mom and I talk about is how we did things like camp even while I was on dialysis and dad was in the hospital. At the time we didn't think much of it but now I think we might be crazy. At the time we thought "this is just what we do." And it was nice to have those some what normal things while life was crazy. Which is true but I also think about how I was almost on autopilot at the time. I mean as much as you can be when you are fighting for you life. And now I think what was I doing? Why was I overextending myself so much? And I gotta tell you I am feeling it now. Feeling like I need time to just breathe and be. I don't regret counseling at camp when I was on dialysis or soon after my transplant. I believe that God used my vulnerability and frailty to speak to people's hearts. But ya'll I am worn out. After fighting so hard for so long and then fighting on top of that for my kind of normal life I need to take a breather. And that's ok. I need to take some time and truly let myself mourn and process some of the things that have happened over the years. To actually let myself cry a lot so that I don't feel that suffocating tightness in my chest. Time to just sit and remember who I am in the presence of my Savior. And that's ok.

Actually I think that might be more than ok.