Sick and Emotional and Known and Loved
First I feel like I should give a little disclaimer this week. I am rather emotional today and have been for the past few days. That's what happens when I am sick. I have had some sort of cold all week and missed almost three fulls days of work so I am emotional cause of that. Also I watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe last night. Then today I watched Prince Caspian followed by Voyage of the Dawn Treader. C.S. Lewis man - his words speak to my heart.
So on the being sick note - I went into work for a few hours Monday but feeling like your throat is on fire quickly makes you want to crawl back into bed. And then the next two days I couldn't breathe out of my nose and felt generally out of it. When I was in school I most likely would have pushed myself through those kinds of days. Wearing myself out even more and infecting those around me with what I had. Telling myself that I couldn't miss. That not being there was worse than being there and feeling like shit. This week though I told myself "don't get others sick" and "you don't have to prove yourself." That is a lesson I have been learning. I don't have to force myself to get through rough days and do all the things I would normally do. It's ok to call in sick. It's ok to take care of me.
In the past I would also tell myself I need those days in case I get really sick and end up in the hospital. But this time I kept telling myself to stop expecting things to go horribly wrong but to trust that God will do good things. And part of that was taking sick days. If I could store up all the sick days I would ever get I would. I constantly worry that I will end up in the hospital. That something will happen and I will be unable to work. And so I use those sick days as a safety net. And though it is true that my immune system being a mes means I probably will get sick I have been feeling like I am counting on those sick days more than I am trusting in Jesus. And that's not ok. So taking those sick days this week was not only that but also a reminder to myself that no matter what happens my trust and hope is in Jesus and I need to stop preparing for the worst.
Also this week I have been thinking about how I use the words "known" and "loved" quite a bit when I post things and I don't recall if I have ever explained why.
In the past I have held on to relationships because I thought I should want/have what other people want or have - roommates, best friends, large groups of friends, etc. I thought this even when I was little - "other people have these things so I guess I should too." But in the process of trying to have those kind of relationships I don't always see who values me. Who knows me. I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. My first best friend was when I was five and even then somehow I thought "I love him and that's what matters." And then when we got to school we weren't really friends and a few neighborhood kids told me later that he was told to pick - either continue to be friends with his school friends and not me or be friends with me and lose them. He stopped talking to me. I am over it now but I have been seeing how I let that sort of become a pattern in my life. I knew that I valued people even if I didn't always know how to show it but I did not always put myself in situations where I was valued. I just wanted someone to acknowledge me. And so there were a lot of times when I would be friends with anyone who would. And often that meant discarding people who truly valued me and showed me that I had value.
Now granted I am sure a lot of other people are like me and have no idea how to show others that they are known and loved. And I am sure that I have played a big role in the failures of a lot of relationships I have been in. This really isn't about dragging anyone down and pointing out their flaws. Instead it's about me and that's ok.
It's about me taking the time to stop and see that there are a lot of people in my life who do take the time to show me I am valued. That show me that I am known and loved. People who are trying to show me that I don't need the things the world might try to tell me I need. My value is not wrapped up in if I have the things the world thinks I should have. My value is wrapped up in Jesus and who he calls me. And those around me that know me and love me try to show me that value everyday and that is what I try to focus on. That is why when a friend sends me a beautiful card I post it and say #Known #Loved.
Because I am.
And I want that to be what rings in my ears instead of the lies that try to devalue me.
So on the being sick note - I went into work for a few hours Monday but feeling like your throat is on fire quickly makes you want to crawl back into bed. And then the next two days I couldn't breathe out of my nose and felt generally out of it. When I was in school I most likely would have pushed myself through those kinds of days. Wearing myself out even more and infecting those around me with what I had. Telling myself that I couldn't miss. That not being there was worse than being there and feeling like shit. This week though I told myself "don't get others sick" and "you don't have to prove yourself." That is a lesson I have been learning. I don't have to force myself to get through rough days and do all the things I would normally do. It's ok to call in sick. It's ok to take care of me.
In the past I would also tell myself I need those days in case I get really sick and end up in the hospital. But this time I kept telling myself to stop expecting things to go horribly wrong but to trust that God will do good things. And part of that was taking sick days. If I could store up all the sick days I would ever get I would. I constantly worry that I will end up in the hospital. That something will happen and I will be unable to work. And so I use those sick days as a safety net. And though it is true that my immune system being a mes means I probably will get sick I have been feeling like I am counting on those sick days more than I am trusting in Jesus. And that's not ok. So taking those sick days this week was not only that but also a reminder to myself that no matter what happens my trust and hope is in Jesus and I need to stop preparing for the worst.
Also this week I have been thinking about how I use the words "known" and "loved" quite a bit when I post things and I don't recall if I have ever explained why.
In the past I have held on to relationships because I thought I should want/have what other people want or have - roommates, best friends, large groups of friends, etc. I thought this even when I was little - "other people have these things so I guess I should too." But in the process of trying to have those kind of relationships I don't always see who values me. Who knows me. I have been doing this for as long as I can remember. My first best friend was when I was five and even then somehow I thought "I love him and that's what matters." And then when we got to school we weren't really friends and a few neighborhood kids told me later that he was told to pick - either continue to be friends with his school friends and not me or be friends with me and lose them. He stopped talking to me. I am over it now but I have been seeing how I let that sort of become a pattern in my life. I knew that I valued people even if I didn't always know how to show it but I did not always put myself in situations where I was valued. I just wanted someone to acknowledge me. And so there were a lot of times when I would be friends with anyone who would. And often that meant discarding people who truly valued me and showed me that I had value.
Now granted I am sure a lot of other people are like me and have no idea how to show others that they are known and loved. And I am sure that I have played a big role in the failures of a lot of relationships I have been in. This really isn't about dragging anyone down and pointing out their flaws. Instead it's about me and that's ok.
It's about me taking the time to stop and see that there are a lot of people in my life who do take the time to show me I am valued. That show me that I am known and loved. People who are trying to show me that I don't need the things the world might try to tell me I need. My value is not wrapped up in if I have the things the world thinks I should have. My value is wrapped up in Jesus and who he calls me. And those around me that know me and love me try to show me that value everyday and that is what I try to focus on. That is why when a friend sends me a beautiful card I post it and say #Known #Loved.
Because I am.
And I want that to be what rings in my ears instead of the lies that try to devalue me.
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