Hello Hurricane
I had a doctor's appointment this week and it was uneventful. Well uneventful in the health way cause I health is doing pretty great and that feels good to say. So instead it was an appointment where my doctor and I just laughed basically. I got my flu shot while I was there and then got sick on the way home because I forgot that I always feel the side effects of flu shots. So then I camped out on the couch feeling sick.
And well the ups and downs of that day just foreshadowed what was to come for the week ahead.
I have had mixed emotions all week for multiple reasons.
Here's the truth - a lady at our library retired this week and I was really happy about it. Seeing how she lied to try to get our boss in trouble and then tried to do the same thing to get me in trouble got old really quick. And I would often feel swamped during the day only to look over and see her staring off into space. Those were some rough days. So it feels good to go into work knowing I won't have to deal with that.
But I am also feeling a little apprehensive about the future. Like most libraries our budget is tight. It was decided that instead of hiring someone new to fill the retired person place our library would cut back on our budget by working with less staff. That is a little nerve racking.
And thinking about the future of the library I currently work in has sent me on a depressing downward spiral as I think about my own future. I say that because what I love to do and want to continue doing - work in archives all the time - is not something that just happens at all libraries. I have only gotten to work in archives so much at my current position because I work at a time when there are not a lot of students in so getting other side projects done is easy. Anyway most libraries or museums that have a budget for archivists that I know of are in large cities. Being in large cities can make me feel anxious. And so the fears and doubts about the future and where my passion lies have been stirred up.
And with that some other frustrations about well a lot of things were brought to the surface as well and so Friday night/Saturday morning was spent doing a lot of crying and praying.
And then today was a beautiful gift from God that I had to fight for. Multiple things made me almost not go to church today but I pushed through and went. And long story very short now who I think is one of the worship leaders at the church I am going to has my phone number and wants to chat with me after the new year about maybe being on the worship team (if you want more of the story let me know and I will send it along). I know Gary will be excited about that since he has mentioned that before while I have been church hunting. I don't really know if being a part of the worship team will pan out or not but I sort of feel like that is not the important part. Because what is important is that I am at a church where I am wanted. And I know I have been to other churches that I think wanted me but I didn't feel like I fit there. So it is really nice to be wanted where I feel like I fit. Obviously plugging into the church more would be great but to have more people at the church looking forward to seeing me each Sunday - that's pretty great.
Which also fits the mood of a song I have had stuck in my head since sometime last night -
The words of this song have been hitting me hard and so I say to my doubts and fears and frustrations - "Hello hurricane, you're not enough. Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love. I've got doors and windows boarded up. All your dead end fury is not enough. You can't silence my love."
And well the ups and downs of that day just foreshadowed what was to come for the week ahead.
I have had mixed emotions all week for multiple reasons.
Here's the truth - a lady at our library retired this week and I was really happy about it. Seeing how she lied to try to get our boss in trouble and then tried to do the same thing to get me in trouble got old really quick. And I would often feel swamped during the day only to look over and see her staring off into space. Those were some rough days. So it feels good to go into work knowing I won't have to deal with that.
But I am also feeling a little apprehensive about the future. Like most libraries our budget is tight. It was decided that instead of hiring someone new to fill the retired person place our library would cut back on our budget by working with less staff. That is a little nerve racking.
And thinking about the future of the library I currently work in has sent me on a depressing downward spiral as I think about my own future. I say that because what I love to do and want to continue doing - work in archives all the time - is not something that just happens at all libraries. I have only gotten to work in archives so much at my current position because I work at a time when there are not a lot of students in so getting other side projects done is easy. Anyway most libraries or museums that have a budget for archivists that I know of are in large cities. Being in large cities can make me feel anxious. And so the fears and doubts about the future and where my passion lies have been stirred up.
And with that some other frustrations about well a lot of things were brought to the surface as well and so Friday night/Saturday morning was spent doing a lot of crying and praying.
And then today was a beautiful gift from God that I had to fight for. Multiple things made me almost not go to church today but I pushed through and went. And long story very short now who I think is one of the worship leaders at the church I am going to has my phone number and wants to chat with me after the new year about maybe being on the worship team (if you want more of the story let me know and I will send it along). I know Gary will be excited about that since he has mentioned that before while I have been church hunting. I don't really know if being a part of the worship team will pan out or not but I sort of feel like that is not the important part. Because what is important is that I am at a church where I am wanted. And I know I have been to other churches that I think wanted me but I didn't feel like I fit there. So it is really nice to be wanted where I feel like I fit. Obviously plugging into the church more would be great but to have more people at the church looking forward to seeing me each Sunday - that's pretty great.
Which also fits the mood of a song I have had stuck in my head since sometime last night -
Hello Hurricane - Switchfoot
The words of this song have been hitting me hard and so I say to my doubts and fears and frustrations - "Hello hurricane, you're not enough. Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love. I've got doors and windows boarded up. All your dead end fury is not enough. You can't silence my love."
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