Where he is that's where I want to be
Hey,
So first I feel like I should disclose that most of tonight's blog post was written this morning during church. After Sunday School I was feeling like I needed to say some things and I guess felt semi-inspired to write. And since that does not always happen for me I wrote these things out during the sermon. Sorry pastor. Truthfully I should probably share these things in class as well but for now I am sharing them here.
Second - it's world suicide prevention day and guys this is so important. Too many lives are cut short for various reason and that is not ever ok. We were all made for more than being a story that is cut way too short. I was made for laughing, for writing, for guiding students in their research, for braving through the hard days with my family and for long nights spent with dear friends. I was made to stay until God says "come home" and so were you. Stay.
Now for the main thing I wrote after Sunday School -
I've been going to Sunday School here and I love it and the ladies in it. The minor, very minor, problem comes that sometimes things are said and I disagree but I don't say anything because I don't want to be one of those people that as soon as someone else finishes speaking says, "Well..." Part of it for me is when anyone, ANYONE, makes sweeping all inclusive statements. The ones that go "Everyone does/thinks/loves/etc." For example - "Everyone loves mac and cheese." "Everyone breaks the law sometimes." Or even, "No one wants to experience pain." And look anytime this type of statement is made whether it is true or not and no matter who is saying it part of me cringes and wants to disagree even if I cannot personally. When people say this I tend to think, "You mean you, not all." And so I try to make those kinds of statements ie "I love mac and cheese." "I break the law sometimes because speeding is still breaking the law." "I am ok with pain as long as there is a purpose and have found that there is always a purpose behind pain."
So I don't speak up in class often because really it is a difference of opinion and a difference in a way of talking. And constantly challenging different people until they get that all inclusive statements are no good can be exhausting.
Now this leads me back to the pain statement. Someone in class said something along the lines of, "No one wants to go through trials or pain." And I thought, "If that's where Jesus is that's where I want to be." And I don't say that to sound anything but truthful.
Were two transplants hard and painful? Yes.
Was dialysis for two years freaking hard? Yes.
Was that same two years complete shit as I was on and off the transplant list because I was near death bed sick? Yes and no.
No, because it changed me.
No, because my messy band of friends and family pulled together for me and showed me love in the most incredible ways.
No, because God was there walking hand in hand with me.
A large part of me wants to say that it was complete shit and nothing good came of it and I never want to do it again. But then I remember God was there and wherever he is there I want to be found too.
And so yes, I would do it again and might go through something similar again in my life since chronic kidney disease means as long as I am here on this Earth in this body it will be failing and will need treatment after treatment after treatment. Again I am mostly ok with that. There are bad days when I am not ok with that but most days I am.
Most days I remember this is all done with Jesus and causes constant dependence on him.
And where Jesus is there I long to be found.
And since I always think of this story whenever thinking of this I am just going to leave this here. Fair warning you might want a kleenex or two handy.
So first I feel like I should disclose that most of tonight's blog post was written this morning during church. After Sunday School I was feeling like I needed to say some things and I guess felt semi-inspired to write. And since that does not always happen for me I wrote these things out during the sermon. Sorry pastor. Truthfully I should probably share these things in class as well but for now I am sharing them here.
Second - it's world suicide prevention day and guys this is so important. Too many lives are cut short for various reason and that is not ever ok. We were all made for more than being a story that is cut way too short. I was made for laughing, for writing, for guiding students in their research, for braving through the hard days with my family and for long nights spent with dear friends. I was made to stay until God says "come home" and so were you. Stay.
Now for the main thing I wrote after Sunday School -
I've been going to Sunday School here and I love it and the ladies in it. The minor, very minor, problem comes that sometimes things are said and I disagree but I don't say anything because I don't want to be one of those people that as soon as someone else finishes speaking says, "Well..." Part of it for me is when anyone, ANYONE, makes sweeping all inclusive statements. The ones that go "Everyone does/thinks/loves/etc." For example - "Everyone loves mac and cheese." "Everyone breaks the law sometimes." Or even, "No one wants to experience pain." And look anytime this type of statement is made whether it is true or not and no matter who is saying it part of me cringes and wants to disagree even if I cannot personally. When people say this I tend to think, "You mean you, not all." And so I try to make those kinds of statements ie "I love mac and cheese." "I break the law sometimes because speeding is still breaking the law." "I am ok with pain as long as there is a purpose and have found that there is always a purpose behind pain."
So I don't speak up in class often because really it is a difference of opinion and a difference in a way of talking. And constantly challenging different people until they get that all inclusive statements are no good can be exhausting.
Now this leads me back to the pain statement. Someone in class said something along the lines of, "No one wants to go through trials or pain." And I thought, "If that's where Jesus is that's where I want to be." And I don't say that to sound anything but truthful.
Were two transplants hard and painful? Yes.
Was dialysis for two years freaking hard? Yes.
Was that same two years complete shit as I was on and off the transplant list because I was near death bed sick? Yes and no.
No, because it changed me.
No, because my messy band of friends and family pulled together for me and showed me love in the most incredible ways.
No, because God was there walking hand in hand with me.
A large part of me wants to say that it was complete shit and nothing good came of it and I never want to do it again. But then I remember God was there and wherever he is there I want to be found too.
And so yes, I would do it again and might go through something similar again in my life since chronic kidney disease means as long as I am here on this Earth in this body it will be failing and will need treatment after treatment after treatment. Again I am mostly ok with that. There are bad days when I am not ok with that but most days I am.
Most days I remember this is all done with Jesus and causes constant dependence on him.
And where Jesus is there I long to be found.
And since I always think of this story whenever thinking of this I am just going to leave this here. Fair warning you might want a kleenex or two handy.
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