Fear
Hey,
So one of the many joys of being sick for 26 years is that my body sometimes does things that super suck. For example for the last few days I have been sick to my stomach at times to the point where I think I might actually throw up. This is kind of a big deal because normally I can tell if what it feels like is going on in my gut is going to come up or not - 99% of the time not. And I have at times willed myself to not throw up. So feeling like this has been zero fun. I haven't had any other symptoms of anything which is also fun - not. When this happens it is very easy for my mind to run crazy down extreme paths thinking maybe I am sick with some crazy virus I have gotten before and had to be hospitalized for or think it is something bigger like rejection. Again no other symptoms. But my mind does these things and I have to constantly tell it to stop. When worry and fear are so ingrained in your mind getting those thoughts to stop is often a constant second by second battle. It's a battle I want to fight but it is something that wears me out.
I say what I do about fear and worry being ingrained because it is true. These are things that took deep root in my mind before I knew how damaging to me these things would be. Not only did I grow up sick living in hospitals a lot but I also heard over and over again from my grandma how her worry saved my life. She will tell anyone that even though my mom had taken me to the doctor and he said it was the flu that my grandma just knew something was wrong. Somewhere in my little mind that meant worry and fear have a pay-off. The reality is that they don't. It may sound like it but really they only drain you and make you believe lies. I have zero desire to live in that negative mess so everyday when I get up I fight those things over again. Not always effectively. I do still have break downs where I freak out about all kinds of things like I did this week. I am still not always good at seeing the things that could be fears. I am still not always good at telling myself that the things fear thinks matter don't actually matter.
I am a constant a work in progress.
And even though fear tries to tell me that's not ok it really is.
I am a work in progress who continually has to give control over to God again and again and again. Only he can cast out fear. Only he can make me whole. Only he can give my weary body, mind, and soul peace. Only with him can I say "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."
So one of the many joys of being sick for 26 years is that my body sometimes does things that super suck. For example for the last few days I have been sick to my stomach at times to the point where I think I might actually throw up. This is kind of a big deal because normally I can tell if what it feels like is going on in my gut is going to come up or not - 99% of the time not. And I have at times willed myself to not throw up. So feeling like this has been zero fun. I haven't had any other symptoms of anything which is also fun - not. When this happens it is very easy for my mind to run crazy down extreme paths thinking maybe I am sick with some crazy virus I have gotten before and had to be hospitalized for or think it is something bigger like rejection. Again no other symptoms. But my mind does these things and I have to constantly tell it to stop. When worry and fear are so ingrained in your mind getting those thoughts to stop is often a constant second by second battle. It's a battle I want to fight but it is something that wears me out.
I say what I do about fear and worry being ingrained because it is true. These are things that took deep root in my mind before I knew how damaging to me these things would be. Not only did I grow up sick living in hospitals a lot but I also heard over and over again from my grandma how her worry saved my life. She will tell anyone that even though my mom had taken me to the doctor and he said it was the flu that my grandma just knew something was wrong. Somewhere in my little mind that meant worry and fear have a pay-off. The reality is that they don't. It may sound like it but really they only drain you and make you believe lies. I have zero desire to live in that negative mess so everyday when I get up I fight those things over again. Not always effectively. I do still have break downs where I freak out about all kinds of things like I did this week. I am still not always good at seeing the things that could be fears. I am still not always good at telling myself that the things fear thinks matter don't actually matter.
I am a constant a work in progress.
And even though fear tries to tell me that's not ok it really is.
I am a work in progress who continually has to give control over to God again and again and again. Only he can cast out fear. Only he can make me whole. Only he can give my weary body, mind, and soul peace. Only with him can I say "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."
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