You know how usually I feel like I don't know what to say
This week is sort of one of those weeks...not because I feel like I have nothing on my mind or nothing going on but because I have so much on my mind its hard to sort through all of it to bring out something that's actually worth saying...
So I guess I will start with a health update...not much has gone on in that department this week...I'm just in a lot of pain still from the fistula operation...have been really trying not to take any pains meds but every now and then I have to take something anyways...I have stopped taking the strong stuff and Tylenol barely helps but that's all I can take so I guess I'll take it...especially if it helps me sleep sometimes...the worse part is that my perm cath has been hurting a lot this week...since you saw a picture of my gross arm last week here is a picture of my perm cath...
You can see the tube going straight up under my skin...the whole thing has been irritated along with the skin around it since my skin hates tape with a passion...so that's so much fun...
I have an appointment later this week but its just a check up so I doubt anything will change or happen...so there won't really be anything to report...I'll get stuff and instructions so I can work to "grow" the fistula so that it's an easier access...not looking forward to that...I keep thinking my arm is going to look super nasty and that's not cool...plus I keep wondering if this thing will even work and I am going to be so pissed if it doesn't...
If you can't tell I've been in a pretty bad mood all week...I am just so worn out emotionally and mentally...so this week I have been doing a lot of crying and sleeping...plus when I get moody and upset like this I start to feel like everything is my fault and that I am worthless...I think of medical expenses or how tiring it is to take care of me and I start to think of all the things my family and friends could be doing instead...I think of the life they could have without me or without my illness...which I probably shouldn't since I am already so depressed...but fighting off those thoughts is hard enough as it is when you feel good...so when you feel crappy and then have to try and fight those feelings off...lets just say you become even more exhausted then you were before...I also have been wondering how much longer am I going to have to wait for a transplant...we said in the late summer of last year that we thought maybe I would have a transplant before Christmas...obviously that didn't happen and we don't really have anytime line of anything and that is really hard for me to deal with and has been hitting me like a tons of bricks a lot recently...especially because no matter how many times I have to wait on God or wait for things to come I still super suck at waiting...my patience lasts about as long as the memory of a fish lasts...
This the time too when unbelief sets in...which seems weird because sure I have seen God do great things and yet I am still like that father in Mark 9:24 saying "I believe, help me with my unbelief"...seems contradictory but if I didn't believe then I would have no reason to go on...still though you wonder if God is going to do something because you've seen so many other things fail...I mean think of it...the father in this story has just watched Jesus' disciples fail at trying to save his son from a demon...he knows these men are with Jesus and he knows of what Jesus has done in the past...He came believing his son would be healed and have a normal life now where the spirit would be gone no longer trying to kill the boy...but then that doesn't happen...imagine it one disciple tries and fails and then another steps up and says "you didn't do it right let me do it" and then he fails to...and so does another...you had put your hopes in this thing happening only to be disappointed and have your heart crushed...then Jesus shows up and says "This is how you do it" and you think sure I've heard that before...you want to believe because you want your child to be healed but you have felt the sting of disappointment so deeply and the wound is so fresh...what would you say...
We tend to think...or at least I used to...that some how we are super holy and more righteous than everyone else if we never doubt and never need to be reminded of things...and yet here this man was doubting and admitting that and for that he was rewarded and his son was healed...
I've been thinking a lot about how we need to be reminded...when I think of it I see people...and I used to be one of them...that thought in church or in Sunday school...oh I've already heard this I don't need to hear it again...yet how often we need to be reminded and how quickly we all forget God's goodness...last Sunday something that stuck me before Gary Brown even started speaking was that in 1 Cor. 15:1 where we were reading from it says "Now, brothers, I want to remind you..." this is an early church that was hearing words from some really great men who had literally been stopped in their tracks by God...I don't know about you but I tend to think they must have been pretty holy...and yet they were people to who messed up and needed reminders...lets go even further back...the Israelites...how often did they turn away and not trust God...so often and so severely that he made them wander in the desert for 40 years...these were the same people that had daily reminders of who God was...they had food falling from the sky...and not in like a I just shot a bird with my bow and air kind of way but a there's some sort of baked carb thing (at least that's what I'm assuming it to be) on the ground and thousands of quail to feed the millions of people...and they followed a pillar of smoke in the day and a pillar of fire at night...its like God was there staring them in the face and yet when they were faced with a challenge they freaked out and said...we can't do it over and over again...I can tell you I used to think I didn't forget things that I thought were important like stuff I learned about the Bible...but if I loose so many other things on a daily basis then how in the heck do I think I am going to remember anything else...and I know I am not alone in my forgetfulness because if I was then no one would ever loose their glasses and the company that makes post it notes would not be in business...we all seem to need reminders about EVERYTHING...unless you have a photographic memory which is like less than 1% of the population of the world...or something like that...and I hear it sucks to not be able to forget anything anyways...
Basically I said all that to say that much like that father who needed to see God's goodness to help with his unbelief I to need to be not only be reminded who God is but who I am as well...my friend Jason Gray (that's right I know him) has a song called "Remind me Who I am"...this week what I need is what the song says..."when I forget my name remind me who I am" "When I can't receive your love afraid I'll never be enough remind me who I am If I'm your beloved help me believe it"...if you haven't figured out I am a word nerd and the word beloved is actually one of my favorite words because of the meaning it has...its first use was when calling someone your love wasn't good enough...it didn't truly express how much the speaker loved the person they were speaking to...I've described the meaning of it as when you call someone your beloved they are as close to you heart as anyone can possibly get...that to me is powerful stuff...its not a word you throw around lightly...and yet that's what God calls all of us...this week and the rest of my life I will constantly need to be reminded who I am and that is a beloved daughter of the most high king...
So I guess I will start with a health update...not much has gone on in that department this week...I'm just in a lot of pain still from the fistula operation...have been really trying not to take any pains meds but every now and then I have to take something anyways...I have stopped taking the strong stuff and Tylenol barely helps but that's all I can take so I guess I'll take it...especially if it helps me sleep sometimes...the worse part is that my perm cath has been hurting a lot this week...since you saw a picture of my gross arm last week here is a picture of my perm cath...
I have an appointment later this week but its just a check up so I doubt anything will change or happen...so there won't really be anything to report...I'll get stuff and instructions so I can work to "grow" the fistula so that it's an easier access...not looking forward to that...I keep thinking my arm is going to look super nasty and that's not cool...plus I keep wondering if this thing will even work and I am going to be so pissed if it doesn't...
If you can't tell I've been in a pretty bad mood all week...I am just so worn out emotionally and mentally...so this week I have been doing a lot of crying and sleeping...plus when I get moody and upset like this I start to feel like everything is my fault and that I am worthless...I think of medical expenses or how tiring it is to take care of me and I start to think of all the things my family and friends could be doing instead...I think of the life they could have without me or without my illness...which I probably shouldn't since I am already so depressed...but fighting off those thoughts is hard enough as it is when you feel good...so when you feel crappy and then have to try and fight those feelings off...lets just say you become even more exhausted then you were before...I also have been wondering how much longer am I going to have to wait for a transplant...we said in the late summer of last year that we thought maybe I would have a transplant before Christmas...obviously that didn't happen and we don't really have anytime line of anything and that is really hard for me to deal with and has been hitting me like a tons of bricks a lot recently...especially because no matter how many times I have to wait on God or wait for things to come I still super suck at waiting...my patience lasts about as long as the memory of a fish lasts...
This the time too when unbelief sets in...which seems weird because sure I have seen God do great things and yet I am still like that father in Mark 9:24 saying "I believe, help me with my unbelief"...seems contradictory but if I didn't believe then I would have no reason to go on...still though you wonder if God is going to do something because you've seen so many other things fail...I mean think of it...the father in this story has just watched Jesus' disciples fail at trying to save his son from a demon...he knows these men are with Jesus and he knows of what Jesus has done in the past...He came believing his son would be healed and have a normal life now where the spirit would be gone no longer trying to kill the boy...but then that doesn't happen...imagine it one disciple tries and fails and then another steps up and says "you didn't do it right let me do it" and then he fails to...and so does another...you had put your hopes in this thing happening only to be disappointed and have your heart crushed...then Jesus shows up and says "This is how you do it" and you think sure I've heard that before...you want to believe because you want your child to be healed but you have felt the sting of disappointment so deeply and the wound is so fresh...what would you say...
We tend to think...or at least I used to...that some how we are super holy and more righteous than everyone else if we never doubt and never need to be reminded of things...and yet here this man was doubting and admitting that and for that he was rewarded and his son was healed...
I've been thinking a lot about how we need to be reminded...when I think of it I see people...and I used to be one of them...that thought in church or in Sunday school...oh I've already heard this I don't need to hear it again...yet how often we need to be reminded and how quickly we all forget God's goodness...last Sunday something that stuck me before Gary Brown even started speaking was that in 1 Cor. 15:1 where we were reading from it says "Now, brothers, I want to remind you..." this is an early church that was hearing words from some really great men who had literally been stopped in their tracks by God...I don't know about you but I tend to think they must have been pretty holy...and yet they were people to who messed up and needed reminders...lets go even further back...the Israelites...how often did they turn away and not trust God...so often and so severely that he made them wander in the desert for 40 years...these were the same people that had daily reminders of who God was...they had food falling from the sky...and not in like a I just shot a bird with my bow and air kind of way but a there's some sort of baked carb thing (at least that's what I'm assuming it to be) on the ground and thousands of quail to feed the millions of people...and they followed a pillar of smoke in the day and a pillar of fire at night...its like God was there staring them in the face and yet when they were faced with a challenge they freaked out and said...we can't do it over and over again...I can tell you I used to think I didn't forget things that I thought were important like stuff I learned about the Bible...but if I loose so many other things on a daily basis then how in the heck do I think I am going to remember anything else...and I know I am not alone in my forgetfulness because if I was then no one would ever loose their glasses and the company that makes post it notes would not be in business...we all seem to need reminders about EVERYTHING...unless you have a photographic memory which is like less than 1% of the population of the world...or something like that...and I hear it sucks to not be able to forget anything anyways...
Basically I said all that to say that much like that father who needed to see God's goodness to help with his unbelief I to need to be not only be reminded who God is but who I am as well...my friend Jason Gray (that's right I know him) has a song called "Remind me Who I am"...this week what I need is what the song says..."when I forget my name remind me who I am" "When I can't receive your love afraid I'll never be enough remind me who I am If I'm your beloved help me believe it"...if you haven't figured out I am a word nerd and the word beloved is actually one of my favorite words because of the meaning it has...its first use was when calling someone your love wasn't good enough...it didn't truly express how much the speaker loved the person they were speaking to...I've described the meaning of it as when you call someone your beloved they are as close to you heart as anyone can possibly get...that to me is powerful stuff...its not a word you throw around lightly...and yet that's what God calls all of us...this week and the rest of my life I will constantly need to be reminded who I am and that is a beloved daughter of the most high king...
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