I can't even begin to explain how shitty this week has been
It started Monday morning around 3 or 4 in the morning with diarrhea...that lasted until around 2 in the afternoon...leaving me feeling sick the following days...now diarrhea is bad in general...but when you are kidney failure patient that could be a sign of bigger problems going on with your body and kidney...couple that with the kidney pain I have been feeling and I was worried...I talked with my nurse that morning and we decided that I would see if taking some over the counter drugs would help but if not I would be in the hospital the next day...admitted to figure out what was going on...thankfully the over the counter meds helped...I am now taking more of my fiber pill that is supposed to prevent this kind of thing...since I have to take more to keep my body stable I am still a bit worried...also this week we found out that my potassium is low...which could help explain the diarrhea...and my hemoglobin is dropping a bit again...I am getting less stable and I need to be more stable than this for transplant...that has been weighing pretty heavily on me...
The rest of the week was busy and a mess of emotions...which included hitting the one year anniversary mark of dad's accident...and finding out the house we were looking at is way out of our budget..just to name a few things...
Then to top it off...Saturday morning around 3:30 the alarm on my dialysis machine started going off...we were trying to make a batch and it was saying "low pressure"...naturally it woke me up...which was no fun because I had just fallen asleep...and I couldn't get it to stop beeping...and since I was sleepy and disoriented I was getting pissed off fast...then mom came in to try and help me...mom eventually decided that we just needed to unplugged the machine and deal with it in the morning...after she did that she went to use the bathroom...and when she went to wash her hands found that we had no water...so she went downstairs to see what was up with a million idea of what could be going on racing through her mind...when she got downstairs she found our basement with about 2 inches of water in it...and the main water line pipe burst open spraying water all over...she was able to turn the water off...and moved some things around a little so that it would be easier to access the pipe in the morning...dad and I weren't able to help so again the responsibility of trying to control the chaos feel on mom...after that dad stayed up and ran to the store to get us some water...mom and I tried to go back to bed...we were thankful that the machine was having problems that caused us to get up and question what was going on but we are pretty dang tried of bad things happening all the time...it just so happened that our pipe had a hole in it that you could put your finger in...a friend of ours came over and put in a new pipe line this morning...and we are so thankful...but frustrations abounded today...
Mom and I kept talking about how we want fun surprises instead of crap ones...like a surprise trip to Hawaii...or a surprise of $100,000...or other fun things...like meeting P!nk backstage...or finding the perfect house move in ready for us like tomorrow...
People compare us to Job sometimes...and it does seem fitting at times...but today it doesn't...Job's trials ended and then he was blessed greater than he was before...but we feel like we are still waiting for our good new...we keep taking hit after hit...and it feels like there is no end in sight...and that's a hard pill to swallow...around here it can feel a bit like we are drowning in all the things that we have to do...and all the troubles that keep coming up...this leaves us questioning when do we get to be the ones who experience some great news that leaves us over the moon instead of a shitty surprise that leaves us with a bigger mess than before
I find myself in the midst of this all singing a song I recently heard at a concert...it's called "You Will Find Me" by Andrew Ripp...
The rest of the week was busy and a mess of emotions...which included hitting the one year anniversary mark of dad's accident...and finding out the house we were looking at is way out of our budget..just to name a few things...
Then to top it off...Saturday morning around 3:30 the alarm on my dialysis machine started going off...we were trying to make a batch and it was saying "low pressure"...naturally it woke me up...which was no fun because I had just fallen asleep...and I couldn't get it to stop beeping...and since I was sleepy and disoriented I was getting pissed off fast...then mom came in to try and help me...mom eventually decided that we just needed to unplugged the machine and deal with it in the morning...after she did that she went to use the bathroom...and when she went to wash her hands found that we had no water...so she went downstairs to see what was up with a million idea of what could be going on racing through her mind...when she got downstairs she found our basement with about 2 inches of water in it...and the main water line pipe burst open spraying water all over...she was able to turn the water off...and moved some things around a little so that it would be easier to access the pipe in the morning...dad and I weren't able to help so again the responsibility of trying to control the chaos feel on mom...after that dad stayed up and ran to the store to get us some water...mom and I tried to go back to bed...we were thankful that the machine was having problems that caused us to get up and question what was going on but we are pretty dang tried of bad things happening all the time...it just so happened that our pipe had a hole in it that you could put your finger in...a friend of ours came over and put in a new pipe line this morning...and we are so thankful...but frustrations abounded today...
Mom and I kept talking about how we want fun surprises instead of crap ones...like a surprise trip to Hawaii...or a surprise of $100,000...or other fun things...like meeting P!nk backstage...or finding the perfect house move in ready for us like tomorrow...
People compare us to Job sometimes...and it does seem fitting at times...but today it doesn't...Job's trials ended and then he was blessed greater than he was before...but we feel like we are still waiting for our good new...we keep taking hit after hit...and it feels like there is no end in sight...and that's a hard pill to swallow...around here it can feel a bit like we are drowning in all the things that we have to do...and all the troubles that keep coming up...this leaves us questioning when do we get to be the ones who experience some great news that leaves us over the moon instead of a shitty surprise that leaves us with a bigger mess than before
I find myself in the midst of this all singing a song I recently heard at a concert...it's called "You Will Find Me" by Andrew Ripp...
(Quick side note...him singing this song with Andy Grammar is pretty incredible...I would have posted a video of that...if there was one without screaming girls and that showed the whole song)
When I went to the concert I was going to see Parachute and had no idea who Andrew Ripp was...I was not excepting to like him so much...or to have a Jesus moment with this song in the crowded concert hall...but I did and found myself on the brink of tears singing along with this song like I had known it my whole life despite hearing it for the first time that night...these lyrics have been connecting so perfectly into my life as if the words are a missing puzzle piece of a soundtrack playing through the tears and restless nights of my everyday life...I am broken and weak and doubting...I find myself with a dirty tired soul wanting to run from the mess that is my life...while God reminds me that he wrote life into being...and he called me...changing my life...and even if I can't handle all this craziness he can...
Though Job sat in his ash pile and needed to be reminded that God can do whatever he wants...I need to be reminded of God's tenderness...that he quietly calls to me in the storm telling me to cling to him for that is the only way I will ever have a chance of making it through...though I want to run from the storm...the place I need to be is in the middle of the chaos in the arms of the one who can calm all storms...
I kind of wish he would get to calming this one faster...
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