My Deliverer
Hi Everyone,
So I wasn't going to post today because I have been grouchy and frustrated and that is never a fun mood to write in. And I tend to think no one wants to hear me crab on and on about life.
But then I got thinking about how I want to have more things checked off my to-do list. And then I thought about how I am honest about other things in life so way not also be honest about this.
Now I am not going to go into details about all the things I am grouchy about because some of it is just my frustrations with people and airing them here when I am sure my opinion will change would just be mean spirited. And some of it is frustrations with work and frankly I think overly talking about work on here is 1) boring and 2) unprofessional. So just think about it like this - at the moment it feels like anything you could name I could rattle off reasons I am frustrated with that thing or person or idea or whatever.
And I do think it is a normal part of life to have time when you are just crabby about everything. I also know that this is very normal for me. I mean one of my nicknames given to me by my family growing up is Crabby Abby.
At times I get frustrated with life, with people, with circumstances, with myself, with God, and the list goes on and on.
And even when I crab about things a part of me knows that I am all too guilty of that thing that is momentarily pressing my buttons. And then I get annoyed with myself and can add that to the list of things that is frustrating me.
See I am great at forgetting to rest in our God of perfect peace and instead let all the things in this life drag me down. And then I feel helpless and afraid. And my reaction to feeling that way is to lash out.
Since things have cooled down with my health since my transplant I have been feeling like God has been telling me to rest. I spent so much time just pressing through without really thinking about what was happening. I was mostly living like normal pouring myself into his good work and completely draining myself. And now at times I still feel that. Days where I feel mentally, spiritually, and physically like there is nothing left of me to give. Days where I am basically on autopilot at work until I can get home and collapse on the couch. Still not sick like I was but drain from life. And still learning what to do as God tells me to rest.
Sometimes that looks like days like today and yesterday were my butt goes numb and my mind goes blank as I focus in while doing blanket surgery and play mindless TV shows about baking or finding long lost family members or throwing a wedding for free.
Oftentimes it also includes a time of reminders about who God is.
You would think that would be easier during this advent season as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Emmanuel - God with us. But sometimes even with those glaring reminders my humanness is quick to forget or ignore them.
And so I have to tell myself not only to not ignore those things and the beauty of our God coming to be with us and reconcile us to him but also to pull out the other things that touch my heart deeply and lead me to the feet of the Prince of Peace.
At different points today that has been Rich Mullins. More specially this song -
Though it is not usually an automatic turn around for my mood truth spoken to my heart is always a step in the right direction. And tonight my heart and soul need to remember that "though I doubt my heart and I doubt my eyes my deliverer is coming. My deliver is standing by."
May that truth speak peace and calm into your soul as well.
So I wasn't going to post today because I have been grouchy and frustrated and that is never a fun mood to write in. And I tend to think no one wants to hear me crab on and on about life.
But then I got thinking about how I want to have more things checked off my to-do list. And then I thought about how I am honest about other things in life so way not also be honest about this.
Now I am not going to go into details about all the things I am grouchy about because some of it is just my frustrations with people and airing them here when I am sure my opinion will change would just be mean spirited. And some of it is frustrations with work and frankly I think overly talking about work on here is 1) boring and 2) unprofessional. So just think about it like this - at the moment it feels like anything you could name I could rattle off reasons I am frustrated with that thing or person or idea or whatever.
And I do think it is a normal part of life to have time when you are just crabby about everything. I also know that this is very normal for me. I mean one of my nicknames given to me by my family growing up is Crabby Abby.
At times I get frustrated with life, with people, with circumstances, with myself, with God, and the list goes on and on.
And even when I crab about things a part of me knows that I am all too guilty of that thing that is momentarily pressing my buttons. And then I get annoyed with myself and can add that to the list of things that is frustrating me.
See I am great at forgetting to rest in our God of perfect peace and instead let all the things in this life drag me down. And then I feel helpless and afraid. And my reaction to feeling that way is to lash out.
Since things have cooled down with my health since my transplant I have been feeling like God has been telling me to rest. I spent so much time just pressing through without really thinking about what was happening. I was mostly living like normal pouring myself into his good work and completely draining myself. And now at times I still feel that. Days where I feel mentally, spiritually, and physically like there is nothing left of me to give. Days where I am basically on autopilot at work until I can get home and collapse on the couch. Still not sick like I was but drain from life. And still learning what to do as God tells me to rest.
Sometimes that looks like days like today and yesterday were my butt goes numb and my mind goes blank as I focus in while doing blanket surgery and play mindless TV shows about baking or finding long lost family members or throwing a wedding for free.
Oftentimes it also includes a time of reminders about who God is.
You would think that would be easier during this advent season as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Emmanuel - God with us. But sometimes even with those glaring reminders my humanness is quick to forget or ignore them.
And so I have to tell myself not only to not ignore those things and the beauty of our God coming to be with us and reconcile us to him but also to pull out the other things that touch my heart deeply and lead me to the feet of the Prince of Peace.
At different points today that has been Rich Mullins. More specially this song -
May that truth speak peace and calm into your soul as well.
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