Mornings Around the Kleenex box
Things have been stressful around here...my health has been on the nuts side...I've been pretty sick and there have been many times when we haven't been sure what to do...not sure if I will be worse in the morning and needing to go to the hospital...in Peoria with complications holding us up from doing transplant in July...it sort of feels like with the more tests mom passes...the sicker I get..which is no good since I need to be healthy enough to be able to make it through surgery...
This has left us all on edge and feeling emotional...
This morning mom and I had a little chat...and we both ended up crying...but we were able to say things to each other that we have needed too...so this morning was one of many times when we both stand by the box of tissues blowing our noses and wiping our eyes...
I think you should know that despite what I say or share on here...I suck at sharing my true feelings...I don't know how to articulate how I am feeling...or I don't want to sound like I am whining...so I end up not knowing how to answer people's questions...add to that the fact that many people seem to want to hear that we are doing better...it becomes obvious that my answer to their questions of how I am doing will be a let down...or a lie...so that complicates things as well...
For me that lack of knowing what to do has poured over into not being totally honest with my family as well...so that makes things harder around here too...
The truth is that I feel like I don't have anything good to say at all most of the time...I'm mad at pretty much everyone even though they have nothing to do with my health...mostly though I am mad at God...I think its endlessly shitty that we have to deal with all this crap...that my parents have to deal with this life that's damn hard that no one imagines having to deal with...and I think it's stupid that we have to hear about other people's healings or hear about other people getting good things while they are in situations like ours while we seem to just get more shit to add to our already growing pile...I think it's bs that it seems like the answer to all of our prayers are a resounding "no"...
And all this makes me want to tell God to find someone else to live this life...and to tell him to piss off when we sing in church about him having his way in our lives...you try singing that when it feels like nothing is going right...you start to wonder and to fear what he is going to do next...you imagine the shittiest things happening...which is not a fun place to be...
But it's a real place to be...and I have to believe that God is ok with my yelling and complaining and coming to him in my fear from a shitty place...if I don't I am lost without him and wrong about the relationship he wants with me...
This has left us all on edge and feeling emotional...
This morning mom and I had a little chat...and we both ended up crying...but we were able to say things to each other that we have needed too...so this morning was one of many times when we both stand by the box of tissues blowing our noses and wiping our eyes...
I think you should know that despite what I say or share on here...I suck at sharing my true feelings...I don't know how to articulate how I am feeling...or I don't want to sound like I am whining...so I end up not knowing how to answer people's questions...add to that the fact that many people seem to want to hear that we are doing better...it becomes obvious that my answer to their questions of how I am doing will be a let down...or a lie...so that complicates things as well...
For me that lack of knowing what to do has poured over into not being totally honest with my family as well...so that makes things harder around here too...
The truth is that I feel like I don't have anything good to say at all most of the time...I'm mad at pretty much everyone even though they have nothing to do with my health...mostly though I am mad at God...I think its endlessly shitty that we have to deal with all this crap...that my parents have to deal with this life that's damn hard that no one imagines having to deal with...and I think it's stupid that we have to hear about other people's healings or hear about other people getting good things while they are in situations like ours while we seem to just get more shit to add to our already growing pile...I think it's bs that it seems like the answer to all of our prayers are a resounding "no"...
And all this makes me want to tell God to find someone else to live this life...and to tell him to piss off when we sing in church about him having his way in our lives...you try singing that when it feels like nothing is going right...you start to wonder and to fear what he is going to do next...you imagine the shittiest things happening...which is not a fun place to be...
But it's a real place to be...and I have to believe that God is ok with my yelling and complaining and coming to him in my fear from a shitty place...if I don't I am lost without him and wrong about the relationship he wants with me...
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