Late Post
Hey there,
So Sunday I was feeling like I needed to take a mental health day from life. And though it ended up great it also left my thoughts too cloudy to post. Then last night I ended up facetiming with my brother Kenny and that was more important than posting to my blog. So here we are.
It's Tuesday and I'm a hot mess.
Part of my mental health day Sunday was reminding myself that though I like to think I can do things myself I cannot. The most recent example is all the pressure I have been putting on myself. With my job I think that if I can just work hard enough and show that I am valuable that somehow that will change the whole entire public school education system budget in my state. Ok in reality no. But in the back of my mind I am always fearful of what if smaller publicly funded schools like the one I work at have to shut down. And somehow that computes as if I work hard enough that won't be a problem. That makes no economic sense but that's what my mind does because of fear. And then with again the economy being as unpredictable as ever and with who knows what new thing is going on in the world each morning when we wake up I worry about things like my house. I love my house and if the world goes crazy I would love to still be in my house or in heaven. But again those are things I have no control over even though in my mind I think if I just get everything right those won't be a thing. On a more realistic note I also put pressure on myself to get everything right with my house so that unexpected bills aren't a thing or at least as big of a worry. And really I could list more things that I worry about with the house. And even though I am not really on the worship team I put pressure on myself there too. Leading worship in front of a church is very different then leading worship to a camp full of energized, sweaty high schoolers. At camp we encourage wrong notes and getting crazy and worshiping however your soul is telling you too. At church I worry about those wrong notes. The wrong melody. And also that my church hasn't had a worship pastor in a while. Though it was nice for people to be so welcoming of me two weeks ago hearing "we've been praying about the worship team" multiple times does not help when you are trying not to put pressure on yourself in a position you aren't even sure you should be in. I so wanted to tell everyone that said that "I am not the answer to your prayers. I am not a worship pastor. I am just a semi decent singer and leader who has done this in a different setting before." And art of me then starts to think if I can just sing this the right way or do the right thing on stage then the spirit will move in the way these people are wanting. When in reality I have zero control over the spirit and how he touches peoples hearts.
Believe me I know how crazy this all sounds but this is where I have been living and where I do still live. And for months I have been thinking I alone put these pressure on myself so I alone can take them off of myself. Only it doesn't work like that. When doubt and fear has taken that deep of a seed in you or even entered your mind only God can bring you peace. Only God can remind every fiber of me that he is in control and my fears have no place in my mind. Only he can lift the burden of the crushing pressure I have placed on myself.
Why do I think I can do what only he can do? It's silly and has me being lead by my flesh instead of by his spirit.
On top of that today I am feeling overwhelmed by my decisions. I still think being here is right for me. I still think buying this house has in a way brought me peace.
But that does not mean that I do not still feel lonely and forgotten here by the body of Christ that I grew up in and then became a part of at camp. My church here has been encouraging which is a large part of the reason why I even decided to look at houses. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear encouraging words from her life long friends. For example hearing from my brother Kenny yesterday that he thought I was being wise in how I am trying to handle my mixed thoughts on joining the worship team was nice.
Guys life can be scary and messy and we need each other through it all even if it is just to reach out a muddy hand and say I get it I'm here too.
So Sunday I was feeling like I needed to take a mental health day from life. And though it ended up great it also left my thoughts too cloudy to post. Then last night I ended up facetiming with my brother Kenny and that was more important than posting to my blog. So here we are.
It's Tuesday and I'm a hot mess.
Part of my mental health day Sunday was reminding myself that though I like to think I can do things myself I cannot. The most recent example is all the pressure I have been putting on myself. With my job I think that if I can just work hard enough and show that I am valuable that somehow that will change the whole entire public school education system budget in my state. Ok in reality no. But in the back of my mind I am always fearful of what if smaller publicly funded schools like the one I work at have to shut down. And somehow that computes as if I work hard enough that won't be a problem. That makes no economic sense but that's what my mind does because of fear. And then with again the economy being as unpredictable as ever and with who knows what new thing is going on in the world each morning when we wake up I worry about things like my house. I love my house and if the world goes crazy I would love to still be in my house or in heaven. But again those are things I have no control over even though in my mind I think if I just get everything right those won't be a thing. On a more realistic note I also put pressure on myself to get everything right with my house so that unexpected bills aren't a thing or at least as big of a worry. And really I could list more things that I worry about with the house. And even though I am not really on the worship team I put pressure on myself there too. Leading worship in front of a church is very different then leading worship to a camp full of energized, sweaty high schoolers. At camp we encourage wrong notes and getting crazy and worshiping however your soul is telling you too. At church I worry about those wrong notes. The wrong melody. And also that my church hasn't had a worship pastor in a while. Though it was nice for people to be so welcoming of me two weeks ago hearing "we've been praying about the worship team" multiple times does not help when you are trying not to put pressure on yourself in a position you aren't even sure you should be in. I so wanted to tell everyone that said that "I am not the answer to your prayers. I am not a worship pastor. I am just a semi decent singer and leader who has done this in a different setting before." And art of me then starts to think if I can just sing this the right way or do the right thing on stage then the spirit will move in the way these people are wanting. When in reality I have zero control over the spirit and how he touches peoples hearts.
Believe me I know how crazy this all sounds but this is where I have been living and where I do still live. And for months I have been thinking I alone put these pressure on myself so I alone can take them off of myself. Only it doesn't work like that. When doubt and fear has taken that deep of a seed in you or even entered your mind only God can bring you peace. Only God can remind every fiber of me that he is in control and my fears have no place in my mind. Only he can lift the burden of the crushing pressure I have placed on myself.
Why do I think I can do what only he can do? It's silly and has me being lead by my flesh instead of by his spirit.
On top of that today I am feeling overwhelmed by my decisions. I still think being here is right for me. I still think buying this house has in a way brought me peace.
But that does not mean that I do not still feel lonely and forgotten here by the body of Christ that I grew up in and then became a part of at camp. My church here has been encouraging which is a large part of the reason why I even decided to look at houses. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear encouraging words from her life long friends. For example hearing from my brother Kenny yesterday that he thought I was being wise in how I am trying to handle my mixed thoughts on joining the worship team was nice.
Guys life can be scary and messy and we need each other through it all even if it is just to reach out a muddy hand and say I get it I'm here too.
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