after the day and night I've had...
I feel the need to write...
Not that my day was bad but it has gotten me thinking about a lot of different things...
first it has me thinking about friendships...I was the type of girl that when I left high school I could have cared less if I ever talked to most of those people again even the ones I called friends because I began to see how I really didn't want to spend time with them...I know it sounds bad but I found a lot of the friendships to be medicore...some of them I have kept in contact with but for the most part I said goodbye and that was it...no real loss or regret...leaving them was not hard...tonight however I went to a bonfire with some of my real friends...people that constantly want to know what's going on in my life...people that know how much I hate ot cry but have seen me cry and have even cried with me in times of pain and struggle...when we get together we all fall into this easy repore with the usual jokes and laughter but also with the heart hitting issues so that we can trully be there for each other...when I was younger I always envied those kinds of friendships when they were portaryed in movies and I thought that either people weren't really like that or there was something wrong with me because I didn't have those types of friends...yet now I find myself blown away that I am in the middle of such a tight knit group of friends...they are the friends that always have your back no matter how stupid you are...the friends that you can text in the wee hours of the morning because you can't stop crying and they will clam you down...the friends that know all your flaws but take you and love you as is anyways...they were the friends that it broke my heart to leave for many reasons including that I wouldn't have them as my safety net around me...and they are the friends that I couldn't wait to get home again to see...on the plane ride home I was so impatient...I wanted to see my family so bad...I wanted to be home so bad...and I wanted my friends all home too so that I could wrap them up in a hug and remind myself of how real they really are...
often times I am blown away by their love...what has this girl ever done to deserve the type of love that they bestow on me...
tonight having quite a few of them around me felt amazing...be able to sit out by the bonfire (I love the smell of bonfires) and talk and joke and sing...it was the perfect night...and I found myself in a place I am finding myself often where I am trying to hold back tears (I've recently become a sap and it's annoying)...I kept thinking about how perfect the night was and how I just felt surrounded by love...and then I would wonder how many nights like that I have felt before I am too weak to go out or I'm stuck in a hospital bed...and how many have I not fully enjoyed or seen how great it really was because I was caught up in something else or I was destracted by trival things...people have often told me after hearing my story that my life and the way I live inspires them to not take living for granted which is funny to me and I think that one of the reasons is because even though I know life is short and unpredictable I find that I myself am still relearning that lesson all too often...I brush my sickness off calling it "no big deal" until a reality check when a nurse or a doctor asks me how I function with my numbers being so bad in my blood work...and then I realize how often I have pushed through no matter what not wanting to give up or even disapoint and I too look back and think how did I make it through those days...and the truths of our limited lives hits me again and the world has new beauty and the time with my friends is treasured all the more...
Not that my day was bad but it has gotten me thinking about a lot of different things...
first it has me thinking about friendships...I was the type of girl that when I left high school I could have cared less if I ever talked to most of those people again even the ones I called friends because I began to see how I really didn't want to spend time with them...I know it sounds bad but I found a lot of the friendships to be medicore...some of them I have kept in contact with but for the most part I said goodbye and that was it...no real loss or regret...leaving them was not hard...tonight however I went to a bonfire with some of my real friends...people that constantly want to know what's going on in my life...people that know how much I hate ot cry but have seen me cry and have even cried with me in times of pain and struggle...when we get together we all fall into this easy repore with the usual jokes and laughter but also with the heart hitting issues so that we can trully be there for each other...when I was younger I always envied those kinds of friendships when they were portaryed in movies and I thought that either people weren't really like that or there was something wrong with me because I didn't have those types of friends...yet now I find myself blown away that I am in the middle of such a tight knit group of friends...they are the friends that always have your back no matter how stupid you are...the friends that you can text in the wee hours of the morning because you can't stop crying and they will clam you down...the friends that know all your flaws but take you and love you as is anyways...they were the friends that it broke my heart to leave for many reasons including that I wouldn't have them as my safety net around me...and they are the friends that I couldn't wait to get home again to see...on the plane ride home I was so impatient...I wanted to see my family so bad...I wanted to be home so bad...and I wanted my friends all home too so that I could wrap them up in a hug and remind myself of how real they really are...
often times I am blown away by their love...what has this girl ever done to deserve the type of love that they bestow on me...
tonight having quite a few of them around me felt amazing...be able to sit out by the bonfire (I love the smell of bonfires) and talk and joke and sing...it was the perfect night...and I found myself in a place I am finding myself often where I am trying to hold back tears (I've recently become a sap and it's annoying)...I kept thinking about how perfect the night was and how I just felt surrounded by love...and then I would wonder how many nights like that I have felt before I am too weak to go out or I'm stuck in a hospital bed...and how many have I not fully enjoyed or seen how great it really was because I was caught up in something else or I was destracted by trival things...people have often told me after hearing my story that my life and the way I live inspires them to not take living for granted which is funny to me and I think that one of the reasons is because even though I know life is short and unpredictable I find that I myself am still relearning that lesson all too often...I brush my sickness off calling it "no big deal" until a reality check when a nurse or a doctor asks me how I function with my numbers being so bad in my blood work...and then I realize how often I have pushed through no matter what not wanting to give up or even disapoint and I too look back and think how did I make it through those days...and the truths of our limited lives hits me again and the world has new beauty and the time with my friends is treasured all the more...
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