Another week of doing nothing
I'm a little unsure about this post because I know I can be overly blunt even abrassive...I also know that I have been worse than normal about that lately because I haven't been feeling good and as a result my self worth has not been the best...so if something I said caught you off guard in a bad way and I offended you I am sorry...
When you can't do much because you are sick you spend a lot of time sitting around thinking...and it gets really hard to not feel sorry for yourself...just in case anyone was wondering...that is something I have been struggling a lot with this week...I want to be postive and upbeat but when I get so tired so fast after doing so little it gets really hard to stay upbeat...for example the other day I went out to the Kerr house and I didn't really do anything out there...I tried to take a nap and watched TV that was pretty much it and yet the next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck because I had so little energy...I can not even begin to describe to you how frustrating that is...I feel like I can't even really help my mom out at all by cleaning around the house because I get worn out after vaccuming...it's so bad somedays that the other day when I got up from the couch I felt like I was going to pass out because I moved too fast...yes that happens to a lot of people but normally the feeling goes away quick...not the case with me...I continued to feel light headed and like I would pass out...needless to say dealing wtih all of this and being frustrated and feeling useless makes me want to cry a lot...it's also hard to hear my friends talk about their jobs or how they are looking for work...not that I am not happy for them that they have jobs or can work but I feel like I am even more useless that I can't do those things that are normal because I would have to call off all the time...
That's probably the main thing it boils down to...that I want to be normal in some aspect like being able to hold a job...and I wonder how long I am going to be to weak to work and what that will mean for my future...
With all this free time I do end up feeling sorry myself a lot...which as I said is annoying...I think a big part of it is a am able to realize how much pain I really am in...how tired I really am...I see daily all the things that are wrong with my body and that's what takes up my attention because I am not busy with anything else...so instead of hainvg to push through everything or not even noticing how much my body hurts...I have to pull myself out of sleep in the morning...and I am aware of how all of me hurts...and how the things I love to eat really do upset my stomach a lot...or how I can only stay awake a few hours without feeling like I can't focus on anything because I am so tired...or how somedays the only thing I can accomplish is taking a shower and then all my energy is gone...needless to say I spend more and more time in my pj's in front of the TV...which can get boring fast...
I think I wouldn't get so bored if I wasn't so impatient...like right now I am just wating to get sick enough to have a transplant...and I have like no patience to start with and now having to wait for this...yeah I'm not very good at it...I have been thinking though about why I am so impatient...and I have come to realize that I feel like a lot of things aren't really worth waiting for...as I listen to myself talk I find that I end up saying or implying that life is to short to wait for a lot of different things...too me life is too short for other things as well...for example I think that life is too short to have to deal with people who annoy me...I know that's probably not very nice of me but I would rather spend my short life with people who love me or at least like me and who don't drive me completely crazy...though that is self centered I often feel like those are the people that I can impact the most too because I want to invest in them and their lives...I want to see that they succeed...and normally they value what I have to say or to offer as well...with the shortness of life as a constant reminder (all the pain I constantly have with this body) I get impatient fast...it's not that I want to rush through everything I just often feel like I could be doing something better with my time then waiting for whatever reason...not that I take out my impatience on people because that's rude...but I really feel like if my life is so short I want to be spending the time hanging out with my friends letting them know how much I love them and really do care about them...I want to spend the time playing with my nephews loving on them even when they try to run away from me...I don't have much energy so why would I waste what little energy on waiting when I could be out doing something with my friend or family even though it will make me feel like death in the morning...
I feel like I should add more to this...but I don't know what else to say...I do know that I don't want people to feel like they have to think like I do...because they don't...frankly if we all thought the same way that would be boring and annoying...at the same time though I don't want people to be upset by my thoughts or feel like that in some way I am being a bad Christian because of my impatience and all the things that annoy me...we are all beautiful and unique the way we are...just because you annoy me or I annoy you does not mean that God does not love us completely as we are mistakes and all the icky gunk of our souls included...
When you can't do much because you are sick you spend a lot of time sitting around thinking...and it gets really hard to not feel sorry for yourself...just in case anyone was wondering...that is something I have been struggling a lot with this week...I want to be postive and upbeat but when I get so tired so fast after doing so little it gets really hard to stay upbeat...for example the other day I went out to the Kerr house and I didn't really do anything out there...I tried to take a nap and watched TV that was pretty much it and yet the next day I felt like I had been hit by a truck because I had so little energy...I can not even begin to describe to you how frustrating that is...I feel like I can't even really help my mom out at all by cleaning around the house because I get worn out after vaccuming...it's so bad somedays that the other day when I got up from the couch I felt like I was going to pass out because I moved too fast...yes that happens to a lot of people but normally the feeling goes away quick...not the case with me...I continued to feel light headed and like I would pass out...needless to say dealing wtih all of this and being frustrated and feeling useless makes me want to cry a lot...it's also hard to hear my friends talk about their jobs or how they are looking for work...not that I am not happy for them that they have jobs or can work but I feel like I am even more useless that I can't do those things that are normal because I would have to call off all the time...
That's probably the main thing it boils down to...that I want to be normal in some aspect like being able to hold a job...and I wonder how long I am going to be to weak to work and what that will mean for my future...
With all this free time I do end up feeling sorry myself a lot...which as I said is annoying...I think a big part of it is a am able to realize how much pain I really am in...how tired I really am...I see daily all the things that are wrong with my body and that's what takes up my attention because I am not busy with anything else...so instead of hainvg to push through everything or not even noticing how much my body hurts...I have to pull myself out of sleep in the morning...and I am aware of how all of me hurts...and how the things I love to eat really do upset my stomach a lot...or how I can only stay awake a few hours without feeling like I can't focus on anything because I am so tired...or how somedays the only thing I can accomplish is taking a shower and then all my energy is gone...needless to say I spend more and more time in my pj's in front of the TV...which can get boring fast...
I think I wouldn't get so bored if I wasn't so impatient...like right now I am just wating to get sick enough to have a transplant...and I have like no patience to start with and now having to wait for this...yeah I'm not very good at it...I have been thinking though about why I am so impatient...and I have come to realize that I feel like a lot of things aren't really worth waiting for...as I listen to myself talk I find that I end up saying or implying that life is to short to wait for a lot of different things...too me life is too short for other things as well...for example I think that life is too short to have to deal with people who annoy me...I know that's probably not very nice of me but I would rather spend my short life with people who love me or at least like me and who don't drive me completely crazy...though that is self centered I often feel like those are the people that I can impact the most too because I want to invest in them and their lives...I want to see that they succeed...and normally they value what I have to say or to offer as well...with the shortness of life as a constant reminder (all the pain I constantly have with this body) I get impatient fast...it's not that I want to rush through everything I just often feel like I could be doing something better with my time then waiting for whatever reason...not that I take out my impatience on people because that's rude...but I really feel like if my life is so short I want to be spending the time hanging out with my friends letting them know how much I love them and really do care about them...I want to spend the time playing with my nephews loving on them even when they try to run away from me...I don't have much energy so why would I waste what little energy on waiting when I could be out doing something with my friend or family even though it will make me feel like death in the morning...
I feel like I should add more to this...but I don't know what else to say...I do know that I don't want people to feel like they have to think like I do...because they don't...frankly if we all thought the same way that would be boring and annoying...at the same time though I don't want people to be upset by my thoughts or feel like that in some way I am being a bad Christian because of my impatience and all the things that annoy me...we are all beautiful and unique the way we are...just because you annoy me or I annoy you does not mean that God does not love us completely as we are mistakes and all the icky gunk of our souls included...
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