I want you forever...
Forever and always through the good and the bad and the ugly we'll grow old together forever and always - Parachute - Forever and Always...this to me is just another one of of those cute love songs that I ahve had stuck in my head all week...I like to think about how God sings stuff liek that to us and he always follows through on those things...I love this song because unlike too many songs that make it seem like life will be great for us once we are together we will have no problems this song says that things will be bad but I still want to be with your through that...I like that a lot...
I feel like I should still stay on the light side of things and then finish with some of my more serious thoughts...and I think I will continue with talking about God's love...I read this book a couple years agao and others of you probably have to and in the book they talk about how God sends us kisses...things that are perfect and just for us and make us feel amazing...some of my friends have said their kisses are like seeing a beautiful sunset or seeing a hummingbird or a white dove and many other things...I would have to say for me I'm realizing more and more that my "kisses form God" are perfectly suited for me...I didn't think about this till the other night but I feel like my kisses from God come when I use the gifts he has given me...mainly writing...for me singing is like me showing God my love for him...but when I write...even though that's a talent I feel he has given me...there is something about it that makes me feel like flying...especailly if it's something I feel really good about like when I make up a story that I think is cool...I get this high and I feel like God is saying thorugh this incredible gift how much he loves me and wants me to enjoy life and enjoy what he has given me and not have to worry about any limitations at all...that's a nice feeling...
The other night I was also thinking about movies as per usual but this time I was thinking more about like action movies or racing movies...say like the Fast and the Furious...in movies like that there is always the one girl that is surrounded by all these tough guys and yet she kicks it with them and is not only respected by them but they don't mess with her...they know she can take care of herself and yet they still feel this need to take care of her and if you mess with her you mess with the whoel group of guys too...I have to say that often times I feel like I am that girl...and honestly that's a place I like to be...even though I can't always take care of myself I do like to think I am pretty tough...and I do feel bad for whoever I end up marrying (if I get married) because if they ever hurt me they have a lot of people to answer to...I have a lot of brothers looking out for me and judging by how they act now I would say that it's fair to say that if you mess with me you mess with them to...
These are some of the things I have been thinking of during the days when I feel like I have nothing to do...it's hard...I have a few things written down to remind myself to do but sometimes I don't even feel good enough to do those simple things...the other day all I did all day because I feel so horrible was shower...the rest of the day I was either sleeping or zoned out in front of the TV...it was not a good time...so I have a lot of time to think...plus trying to find a new rhythm and routine at home on break leaves me wondering what to do a lot...I'm finding I'm not very good at transitions...it take me forever to settle into a new routine...I'm also finding that as a result of that I am not very good at being still...even when I don't feel good I want to be up and doing something...it's sort of funny to me that I don't even listen to what my body tells me to do...it's also interesting to me because I don't really ahve a problem making the time for God but I don't make the time to know myself...I don't seem to have that big a problem with "be still and know that I am God" but more of a problem with be still and know yourself...so then all these emotions build up in me and I become a mess to be around...I don't give myself the time to relax or to cry or to even really register how I am feeling emotionally...I know how I feel physically but I don't take the time to see what that is doing to me...do I really feel like brushing it off today or am I actually frustrated that I can't catch a break...
That's definitely been how I have bene feeling this week...like I can't catch a break...I can't help but think that either I don't explain my sickness well enough or that people don't really listen when I talk because when I say that I am sick I mean that I am sick and will be sick for the rest fo my life on this Earth...think of this more like diabeates (but more serious) or like HIV...it's something I live with and I learn to manage but I will always be sick and always be taking meds and have at least one more transplant in my life if not a few more...I guess I should also tell you I got back the result of a recent blood test my numbers are still going down like we thought they would...it was kind of funny though because the nurse kept saying my hemoglobin was really bad and then she told me it was 9 and I said "oh that's up it was 6 last month" and she said to me "abby how did you get your head off the pillow" and then went on again to talk about how bad 9 is making 6 that much more worse...basically meaning that doctors and nurses conitnue to be baffled by how well I function and carry on in life despite the current condition of my body...
Most of the time I that information that I will always be sick doesn't phase me because that's just the reality of my life but I have been having one of those weeks where I can't seem to stop feeling like I am going to cry all the time about it...which for someone who doesn't like to cry is no fun at all...and I'm in a mood where I don't want to talk about it either not even to people that really do care about me being sick and really do love me...I just want to shut everyone out because I don't want to cry or to have to deal with the emotions of this week...and then I feel bad that I am not being open with my friends which makes me want to cry even more...blech it's neverending and annoying...I would rather be laughing and joking with my friends then being in this weird moody funk right now...but that's one of the many realities of life and of being a girl...sometimes your emotions go crazy because life is crazy and you just have to go with it...it's a lesson I am still learning because I seem to still think that I can avoid my true emotions about things and bottle it up even though so far in my life that hasn't worked...but like most people I don't always learn my lesson the first time around...and I think dealing with emotions is something that most people are still learning for a lot of their lives so at least I know I am in good company...
I feel like I should still stay on the light side of things and then finish with some of my more serious thoughts...and I think I will continue with talking about God's love...I read this book a couple years agao and others of you probably have to and in the book they talk about how God sends us kisses...things that are perfect and just for us and make us feel amazing...some of my friends have said their kisses are like seeing a beautiful sunset or seeing a hummingbird or a white dove and many other things...I would have to say for me I'm realizing more and more that my "kisses form God" are perfectly suited for me...I didn't think about this till the other night but I feel like my kisses from God come when I use the gifts he has given me...mainly writing...for me singing is like me showing God my love for him...but when I write...even though that's a talent I feel he has given me...there is something about it that makes me feel like flying...especailly if it's something I feel really good about like when I make up a story that I think is cool...I get this high and I feel like God is saying thorugh this incredible gift how much he loves me and wants me to enjoy life and enjoy what he has given me and not have to worry about any limitations at all...that's a nice feeling...
The other night I was also thinking about movies as per usual but this time I was thinking more about like action movies or racing movies...say like the Fast and the Furious...in movies like that there is always the one girl that is surrounded by all these tough guys and yet she kicks it with them and is not only respected by them but they don't mess with her...they know she can take care of herself and yet they still feel this need to take care of her and if you mess with her you mess with the whoel group of guys too...I have to say that often times I feel like I am that girl...and honestly that's a place I like to be...even though I can't always take care of myself I do like to think I am pretty tough...and I do feel bad for whoever I end up marrying (if I get married) because if they ever hurt me they have a lot of people to answer to...I have a lot of brothers looking out for me and judging by how they act now I would say that it's fair to say that if you mess with me you mess with them to...
These are some of the things I have been thinking of during the days when I feel like I have nothing to do...it's hard...I have a few things written down to remind myself to do but sometimes I don't even feel good enough to do those simple things...the other day all I did all day because I feel so horrible was shower...the rest of the day I was either sleeping or zoned out in front of the TV...it was not a good time...so I have a lot of time to think...plus trying to find a new rhythm and routine at home on break leaves me wondering what to do a lot...I'm finding I'm not very good at transitions...it take me forever to settle into a new routine...I'm also finding that as a result of that I am not very good at being still...even when I don't feel good I want to be up and doing something...it's sort of funny to me that I don't even listen to what my body tells me to do...it's also interesting to me because I don't really ahve a problem making the time for God but I don't make the time to know myself...I don't seem to have that big a problem with "be still and know that I am God" but more of a problem with be still and know yourself...so then all these emotions build up in me and I become a mess to be around...I don't give myself the time to relax or to cry or to even really register how I am feeling emotionally...I know how I feel physically but I don't take the time to see what that is doing to me...do I really feel like brushing it off today or am I actually frustrated that I can't catch a break...
That's definitely been how I have bene feeling this week...like I can't catch a break...I can't help but think that either I don't explain my sickness well enough or that people don't really listen when I talk because when I say that I am sick I mean that I am sick and will be sick for the rest fo my life on this Earth...think of this more like diabeates (but more serious) or like HIV...it's something I live with and I learn to manage but I will always be sick and always be taking meds and have at least one more transplant in my life if not a few more...I guess I should also tell you I got back the result of a recent blood test my numbers are still going down like we thought they would...it was kind of funny though because the nurse kept saying my hemoglobin was really bad and then she told me it was 9 and I said "oh that's up it was 6 last month" and she said to me "abby how did you get your head off the pillow" and then went on again to talk about how bad 9 is making 6 that much more worse...basically meaning that doctors and nurses conitnue to be baffled by how well I function and carry on in life despite the current condition of my body...
Most of the time I that information that I will always be sick doesn't phase me because that's just the reality of my life but I have been having one of those weeks where I can't seem to stop feeling like I am going to cry all the time about it...which for someone who doesn't like to cry is no fun at all...and I'm in a mood where I don't want to talk about it either not even to people that really do care about me being sick and really do love me...I just want to shut everyone out because I don't want to cry or to have to deal with the emotions of this week...and then I feel bad that I am not being open with my friends which makes me want to cry even more...blech it's neverending and annoying...I would rather be laughing and joking with my friends then being in this weird moody funk right now...but that's one of the many realities of life and of being a girl...sometimes your emotions go crazy because life is crazy and you just have to go with it...it's a lesson I am still learning because I seem to still think that I can avoid my true emotions about things and bottle it up even though so far in my life that hasn't worked...but like most people I don't always learn my lesson the first time around...and I think dealing with emotions is something that most people are still learning for a lot of their lives so at least I know I am in good company...
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