I don't have much to say

I haven't been feeling the best recently...I feel like at least every other day is a bad day...and there's not much I can do about it which is depressing and truthfully I don't like talking about depressing things...I don't want to be a Debbie downer...

I do feel like I need to clarify what I mean when I say I have NO ENERGY though...so instead of just saying that let me put it this way...I don't get out of bed much even on a good day...after a shower I have to nap because it wears me out no matter how short a shower I take...if I stand for too long I start to breathe heavy like I have been working out...everything even the littlest things just suck energy out of me...so I don't feel like doing really anything ever but laying on the couch or in bed watching movies and/or reading...that's about all that I can do without feeling dead after a few minutes...

I feel like I could stop there but I do want to say something fun or random or whatever so that I am not so focused on the negative and on my health...so here are some silly things from this week...

The other day my mom gave me a really great compliment...for me it was probably the best kind of compliment I could ever get...she said if she had money she would hire me to be her personal shopper and that if I lived in a big city I could make a lot of money doing that...now this to me meant a lot because it means that not only am I good at something I think is fun to do but I can read people...well at least their styles and get them things they would love to wear making them happy...and I can't lie I do love putting together a killer outfit...

My answer is always the same: 
I can be "authentic" or "transparent", or whatever, because I don't give a hot shit what you think of me.
That is to say, I have a very deep sense of where my value really lies. It just isn't that big a deal to me if a few judgmental a-holes deem me "broken" or "unworthy". Think about it - to be found wanting by other people, who in reality are every bit as broken and unworthy as I am, is just... stupid. - Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

The quote above is something else I have been thinking about a lot recently...well since mom posted it yesterday and tagged me in it...I have been thinking about it so much because I feel like that describes me...people have often told me that they love that I really don't care what people think of me and they wish they were that way...when that happens I don't know what to say to then or how to really explain my why I don't care about others thoughts on me...I often just say well people don't know me so why should I care what they think...and the more I think about that the more I realize I am not trying to say people don't try to get to know me nor am I trying to say I shut myself off...I am really trying to say that no one will really know me like God knows me...He created me He loves me fully and completely...yeah He calls me out when I do dumb things that are hurtful to me and Him...but when other people judge me for the things I say or do I can't help but think you don't know my heart...like Jamie says we are all broken...I don't have it all together and neither do you so why do we listen to each others judgements...to me the things that people can say about me aren't the truth...people can say nasty things about me...that I am a bad influence that because of the way I look I must drink and do drug and have sex with anyone...but they don't know me...what they say doesn't matter and isn't the truth...the truth is that I was carefully and lovingly designed with a purpose...the truth is that I am a daughter of the most high king...the truth is that I am clothed in strength and dignity...the truth is that I have a savior who loves me completely as is and already paid the ultimate price to be with me...mess that I am...misguided as I can be...He thinks so highly of me that He came down from His throne on high so that I could have a relationship with Him and that one day He could welcome me home with open arms...

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