Sometimes...
I am unsure of what I want to write on here...not because I don't have thoughts or ideas about what to write but because I am afraid I will share too much...or that I will share and open up and it will be pointless...
So while I try to decide how much of my thoughts I want to share with you I will tell you a little about my Thanksgiving...It was wonderful...I got up and watched the parade...all of it even the pre-parade Broadway stuff...and I loved it...especially the parts where people messed up doing lip sync...I do feel bad for some of them now cause they are catching heat...it would appear that people think that singers actually sing during the parade and don't think about how that wouldn't work very well...just saying ti might be hard to do while on a moving object...sure you could be loud enough for a small parade but this is Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade...there's no way you're going to be loud enough in that one little float...anyways...I did that...and then I finally put on some normal clothes after wearing my sweatpants all morning...about that time my brother and his wife and the boys came over...my sister was already there...and then we just hung out and snacked till 2 when we ate...and I stuffed myself...I ate more this Thanksgiving then another other Thanksgiving since I am hungry all the time now...then like maybe 30 minutes after we ate we went for a walk...it was a lot of fun we taught Jeremiah how to run to this rock we always run to...don't ask me why we just do...and then when we were down by the river in front of the high school where all those big rocks are we taught him to serpentine between them...and then he fed some duck cause some nice lady in her car was feeding them with her family so she gave Jeremiah some bread so he could feed them too...then when we got back we ate dessert...and that's pretty much it...well I also went to the Twins house that night with my mom to watch a movie...overall it was a pretty chill day and I enjoyed it...
Besides that my week has been pretty uneventful...sitting around not doing much...trying to figure out a new normal for me which can be rough...and doing dialysis which I have been falling asleep during...it's been pretty quite around here though...which is a blessing and a curse...its nice because I need to get used to all the changes and sort of face up to what has happened in my life this past month instead of doing what I was doing where I would just tell myself I was fine I would think about it later cause I had to much to do now...so being able to finally stop and think about all that has happened and really take in the effects is healthy I guess...that doesn't mean I want to do though cause that means crying and I hate that...which is the curse part...but it's obvious I put it off for to long because now I can't seem to get it all out of my system but instead find myself feeling overwhelmed at odd times and getting upset about dumb things...so then I cry and freak out a little...which I hate but need to do...I keep thinking did all that really happen...followed by...what was that...and then my favorite...is this really my life right now...everything just still feels a little messy and crazy and like it's more than I can handle which frankly is a lie cause I got Jesus and he can handle anything...doesn't mean I am not more than ready for this craziness to just be over though...
and now even though I feel like this might sound super weird and possibly pathetic depending on how I write it I am going to write something else that has been on my mind...I was thinking the other day about how I am proud of different people and love to tell them that...like I proud that I can call them mine in some way because everyone can see how great they are...and I just want to cheer them on and encourage them in anyway that I can...admittedly I haven't been as good at that recently as I have been but then again I have been really sick so I obviously need to remember that and be a little easier on myself...anyways the other day when I was feeling down and needing some encouragement I wondered about what other people are proud of me for...but I stop trying to do that pretty quick because I don't like to try to think like other people...truthfully though I probably should have done it cause I still need the encouragement...because if I am truthful with myself being home and adjust to all this new stuff right now feels like it is harder than being in the hospital...but then again looking around my upstairs its almost like I brought the hospital home with me so that sucks big time...and even though I have been home with mom and I love her...It has been feeling pretty lonely around here and somedays are harder than others when it comes to trying to be positive...to avoid it all and because I don't have much else to do I sleep a lot...don't worry I'm not super depressed though...just a little...I would say I am more overwhelmed then depressed...which probably isn't much better...and might end up being a mistake to be so honest about because I know a lot of people that worry way more than they should...but sometimes to be honest with myself I have to be honest with others
So while I try to decide how much of my thoughts I want to share with you I will tell you a little about my Thanksgiving...It was wonderful...I got up and watched the parade...all of it even the pre-parade Broadway stuff...and I loved it...especially the parts where people messed up doing lip sync...I do feel bad for some of them now cause they are catching heat...it would appear that people think that singers actually sing during the parade and don't think about how that wouldn't work very well...just saying ti might be hard to do while on a moving object...sure you could be loud enough for a small parade but this is Macy Thanksgiving Day Parade...there's no way you're going to be loud enough in that one little float...anyways...I did that...and then I finally put on some normal clothes after wearing my sweatpants all morning...about that time my brother and his wife and the boys came over...my sister was already there...and then we just hung out and snacked till 2 when we ate...and I stuffed myself...I ate more this Thanksgiving then another other Thanksgiving since I am hungry all the time now...then like maybe 30 minutes after we ate we went for a walk...it was a lot of fun we taught Jeremiah how to run to this rock we always run to...don't ask me why we just do...and then when we were down by the river in front of the high school where all those big rocks are we taught him to serpentine between them...and then he fed some duck cause some nice lady in her car was feeding them with her family so she gave Jeremiah some bread so he could feed them too...then when we got back we ate dessert...and that's pretty much it...well I also went to the Twins house that night with my mom to watch a movie...overall it was a pretty chill day and I enjoyed it...
Besides that my week has been pretty uneventful...sitting around not doing much...trying to figure out a new normal for me which can be rough...and doing dialysis which I have been falling asleep during...it's been pretty quite around here though...which is a blessing and a curse...its nice because I need to get used to all the changes and sort of face up to what has happened in my life this past month instead of doing what I was doing where I would just tell myself I was fine I would think about it later cause I had to much to do now...so being able to finally stop and think about all that has happened and really take in the effects is healthy I guess...that doesn't mean I want to do though cause that means crying and I hate that...which is the curse part...but it's obvious I put it off for to long because now I can't seem to get it all out of my system but instead find myself feeling overwhelmed at odd times and getting upset about dumb things...so then I cry and freak out a little...which I hate but need to do...I keep thinking did all that really happen...followed by...what was that...and then my favorite...is this really my life right now...everything just still feels a little messy and crazy and like it's more than I can handle which frankly is a lie cause I got Jesus and he can handle anything...doesn't mean I am not more than ready for this craziness to just be over though...
and now even though I feel like this might sound super weird and possibly pathetic depending on how I write it I am going to write something else that has been on my mind...I was thinking the other day about how I am proud of different people and love to tell them that...like I proud that I can call them mine in some way because everyone can see how great they are...and I just want to cheer them on and encourage them in anyway that I can...admittedly I haven't been as good at that recently as I have been but then again I have been really sick so I obviously need to remember that and be a little easier on myself...anyways the other day when I was feeling down and needing some encouragement I wondered about what other people are proud of me for...but I stop trying to do that pretty quick because I don't like to try to think like other people...truthfully though I probably should have done it cause I still need the encouragement...because if I am truthful with myself being home and adjust to all this new stuff right now feels like it is harder than being in the hospital...but then again looking around my upstairs its almost like I brought the hospital home with me so that sucks big time...and even though I have been home with mom and I love her...It has been feeling pretty lonely around here and somedays are harder than others when it comes to trying to be positive...to avoid it all and because I don't have much else to do I sleep a lot...don't worry I'm not super depressed though...just a little...I would say I am more overwhelmed then depressed...which probably isn't much better...and might end up being a mistake to be so honest about because I know a lot of people that worry way more than they should...but sometimes to be honest with myself I have to be honest with others
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