I will rise out of these ashes...
Rise from the struggle I've found and this rubble on the ground I will rise - Shawn McDonald - Rise
I know this is a little early then I normally post but I'm in the mood to write so I kind of thought why not...
First I want to say I am really happy to be home...feels good to lay in my bed in my house...and to have an actual place for all of my stuff...not having that sort of control drives me a little crazy so feeling like I have that back is a plus for sure...
Second I should tell you how the appointment on Thursday with the surgeon went...when he saw my arms he did say they were small but not to small for a fistula...but he doesn't want to do a surgery to give me a fistula right now...instead he wants to wait and see what happens with Randy's testing process...he said if Randy and I are a match and I get a transplant soon then it would be dumb to put in a more permanent dialysis sight especially since it requires another surgery...he thinks that would be pointless so for now I get to stick with the perm cath which I am down with...and then he said if Randy and I aren't a match then he will look at putting in a fistula...he also said that with that they usually meet with patients before the surgery to do that but since he saw me today and compared to most kidney failure/dialysis patients I am healthy so he doesn't need to see me again...mom and I thought that was sort of funny...
Third I might have already said this but I am super excited for Thanksgiving...I am looking forward to being home...to chilling in my sweatpants all day...to watching the parade...to pigging out now that I eat all the time...to spending time with my family especially two little boys who can be troublemakers...and to following our family tradition of busting out the Christmas music on Thanksgiving...in our house that's when you get in out...no sooner no later...don't know why but it is and now anything else seems weird to me...
Besides all of that I have had some other things on my mind...they really have only been on my mind since I have been home...but I think I have to explain something to you first before I talk about that...our house has had a little bit of a makeover recently...besides having new windows installed in almost all of the upstairs daddy also put in a new shower head...one of those ones that you can take down and move around cause its attached to a long hose...and then a friend from church did some wiring so that a dedicated box could be in my room for the dialysis machine...as far as I know what that means is its a 3 pronged outlet with a reset button on it and it has its own breaker...I think...anyways along with that we also have a shower chair in our shower...one with a back now...since I get worn out just from taking a shower...and when I came home yesterday there were about a dozen big boxes sitting on or around our coffee table...when we hadn't been home long another delivery of boxes came this time there were 26...then later another delivery came and this time it was my super heavy dialysis machine...and I still have another delivery coming of boxes on the 28th...not sure where we are going to put those boxes but we will figure something out...
With all these changes being made to our house and all this stuff that we have to find a place for I am feeling a bit like a nuisance recently...not cause anyone has said anything because they haven't and they wouldn't...but having to find time to make all these changes and then find the space in our small already full house for all this stuff is no easy task...I feel like a nuisance because not only do we have to find space for everything but my parents have to work around all my problems as well...I know they gladly do but if I get sick of all of this and want a normal life sometimes it would make sense to me that my parents feel the same way...it's weird cause some of the stuff I wanted...like the cool shower head...I have always wanted one of those...but not this way...not because I have to be super careful about getting my perm cath wet so I need to be able to direct the water easier...sometimes I have a hard time not crying in the shower because I sit there surrounded by reminders of how weak and sick I really am and that's no fun...not that I have ever thought showering was fun but now even less then before...then afterwards I have a hard time not crying too but that's because I have to change the dressing on my perm cath which consists of removing the tape on there now cleaning it letting it dry then redressing it...removing the tape hurts a lot sometimes even though it's paper tape which is like the least sticky tape there is but sometimes it still acts like super glue when in contact with my skin...
Don't get me wrong I really am feeling better and feeling great about that but that doesn't mean my life somehow magically is different...I am still sick and will always be and will be struggling with these issues until I get an actual hug from Jesus when he welcomes me home...and those facts sometimes can be a little overwhelming...
I know this is a little early then I normally post but I'm in the mood to write so I kind of thought why not...
First I want to say I am really happy to be home...feels good to lay in my bed in my house...and to have an actual place for all of my stuff...not having that sort of control drives me a little crazy so feeling like I have that back is a plus for sure...
Second I should tell you how the appointment on Thursday with the surgeon went...when he saw my arms he did say they were small but not to small for a fistula...but he doesn't want to do a surgery to give me a fistula right now...instead he wants to wait and see what happens with Randy's testing process...he said if Randy and I are a match and I get a transplant soon then it would be dumb to put in a more permanent dialysis sight especially since it requires another surgery...he thinks that would be pointless so for now I get to stick with the perm cath which I am down with...and then he said if Randy and I aren't a match then he will look at putting in a fistula...he also said that with that they usually meet with patients before the surgery to do that but since he saw me today and compared to most kidney failure/dialysis patients I am healthy so he doesn't need to see me again...mom and I thought that was sort of funny...
Third I might have already said this but I am super excited for Thanksgiving...I am looking forward to being home...to chilling in my sweatpants all day...to watching the parade...to pigging out now that I eat all the time...to spending time with my family especially two little boys who can be troublemakers...and to following our family tradition of busting out the Christmas music on Thanksgiving...in our house that's when you get in out...no sooner no later...don't know why but it is and now anything else seems weird to me...
Besides all of that I have had some other things on my mind...they really have only been on my mind since I have been home...but I think I have to explain something to you first before I talk about that...our house has had a little bit of a makeover recently...besides having new windows installed in almost all of the upstairs daddy also put in a new shower head...one of those ones that you can take down and move around cause its attached to a long hose...and then a friend from church did some wiring so that a dedicated box could be in my room for the dialysis machine...as far as I know what that means is its a 3 pronged outlet with a reset button on it and it has its own breaker...I think...anyways along with that we also have a shower chair in our shower...one with a back now...since I get worn out just from taking a shower...and when I came home yesterday there were about a dozen big boxes sitting on or around our coffee table...when we hadn't been home long another delivery of boxes came this time there were 26...then later another delivery came and this time it was my super heavy dialysis machine...and I still have another delivery coming of boxes on the 28th...not sure where we are going to put those boxes but we will figure something out...
With all these changes being made to our house and all this stuff that we have to find a place for I am feeling a bit like a nuisance recently...not cause anyone has said anything because they haven't and they wouldn't...but having to find time to make all these changes and then find the space in our small already full house for all this stuff is no easy task...I feel like a nuisance because not only do we have to find space for everything but my parents have to work around all my problems as well...I know they gladly do but if I get sick of all of this and want a normal life sometimes it would make sense to me that my parents feel the same way...it's weird cause some of the stuff I wanted...like the cool shower head...I have always wanted one of those...but not this way...not because I have to be super careful about getting my perm cath wet so I need to be able to direct the water easier...sometimes I have a hard time not crying in the shower because I sit there surrounded by reminders of how weak and sick I really am and that's no fun...not that I have ever thought showering was fun but now even less then before...then afterwards I have a hard time not crying too but that's because I have to change the dressing on my perm cath which consists of removing the tape on there now cleaning it letting it dry then redressing it...removing the tape hurts a lot sometimes even though it's paper tape which is like the least sticky tape there is but sometimes it still acts like super glue when in contact with my skin...
Don't get me wrong I really am feeling better and feeling great about that but that doesn't mean my life somehow magically is different...I am still sick and will always be and will be struggling with these issues until I get an actual hug from Jesus when he welcomes me home...and those facts sometimes can be a little overwhelming...
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