I had a clever title name
But somewhere along the line I forgot it...
Whelp as you all know if you read the post before this then you know that my appointments went well on Monday...and my perm cath spot look really great...it hurts a little still but mostly it feels fine and is healing great...
My appointment on Wednesday was fine...I ate radio active scrambled egg even though I think eggs are gross...I made myself down them fast and try not to think about what I was doing because normally the taste of eggs makes me want to throw up...and even though they were radioactive they look normal and tasted normal...and sadly I didn't get any superpowers from it...which stinks...I had to eat the eggs so they could see how food was passing through my system...they had me eat the eggs and then took pictures with an x-ray type thing every 15 minutes for and hour...then I had an hour off and they took one more picture...they were looking forward they said was an "obstruction" meaning the mass to see if it was making it hard and painful for food to pass through my stomach...when I talked to the lady from Dr. O'Connor's office (my surgeon in Peoria) she said that the tests showed no obstruction...I am not sure if that means the mass is completely gone or that the swelling has just gone down so that food can easily pass again without any pain...I will find out more tomorrow when I go see the GI doctor in the morning...I also have an appointment in the afternoon with Dr. Sader...so we will have a couple hours at the zoo again...which frankly I am excited about because well I love zoos...
Besides that I will have a blood test and maybe a blood transfusion this week because my blood count is kind of low right now...the last time it was checked it was 6.6...Dr. Sader is unsure if that is true or not since I had a couple procedures this week and because I have been feeling so good...we have told him though that I am going to Arizona and I need to feel good for that...so I might have to get some blood before that...
Speaking of Arizona I am getting really excited to go...I am excited about so many things...I am excited to see my family and my friends...I am excited about the heat (even thougth a lot of people think over 100 degrees isn't so fun I love it since that is about the only time I am not cold)...I am looking forwards to graduating...I am looking forward to showing my parents around where I went and such...I am excited to go swimming since my cath is out now...I am excited to go on vacation...
I am excited too about the fact that we are getting air conditioning units in our house upstairs...they are going to be sort of like the ones that you see in hotel rooms under the windows...I am excited that we are getting them (one in mom and dad's room one in mine) but in the process I had a bit of a nervous break down today...my room is a mess right now so that the men who are going to put in the air conditioner can get around and so that my stuff won't be dusty and messy afterwards...if you know me you know that my room being a mess is something I don't handle well...I kept trying to not cry as the mess got bigger and bigger but I couldn't help it...we just about got done and I started crying...having a mess in my room makes me freak out...I want to control everything in my room...I can't control anything else so I control that...being someone who craves control (which I think a lot of us do whether we want to admit it or not) it's hard for me to give up that control...my room becoming a huge mess today made me feel a little like things were spinning out of control...I know it's just my room but when I can't control anything else that's a big deal...right now I am ok with it and I have to remind myself that good is coming out of this but the process of sort of making the mess today was really hard for me...
But then again a lot of things are hard for me...something that has always been hard for me that I may have mentioned before is taking compliments...that might sound funny because I know I am fun to to around and strong and whatever...I mean I often joke about how good looking I am...there is a big difference to me though...I do that because I know that my father in Heaven delights in me and has fearfully and wonderfully made me...and I set my value and worth in being a daughter of the most high King (I am still working on warming up the to the word princess)...when others compliment me I don't know what to do...I feel like there are all these eyes on me waiting to see what I say and do...do I compliment the person back...do I thank them...do I brush it off...do I say something great about Jesus only making what some people say about me that much more true making them say "that's what I'm talking about"...I just don't know what to do and sometimes want to crawl out of my skin because I am so uncomfortable...at the same time though I am realizing how much those compliments really go to my head sometimes and how prideful and self-righteous i can get because so and so said this this and this about me...and I really don't want to be that way...I want to be some one who people feel comfortable around...who they feel like they can tell anything and do anything around...I want people to feel free to be themselves around me...also I want to be someone who people feel like isn't judging them or looking down their nose at them or acting like I know it all...I may get prideful but the real truth of the matter is that I am learning new things all the time which really only shows how little I do know so what do I have to be prideful about...
I can't be prideful about my relationship with Jesus because it can be real shotty at times...for a while now I have been having a hard time reading my Bible...I know I should but every time someone tells me I should it grates on my nerves so much and I don't want to do it because I don't want reading my Bible to feel like a homework assignment...I have excuses galore of why to not read my Bible...none of them very good...and yet I still have a hard time picking up my Bible and doing devotions...something I haven't been having a hard time with is praying...I love talking to God...I talk to him through out the day...I don't say this to try to look good I say this because just like how I constantly want to tell my best friends things I want to tell Jesus things and I want to thank him for the things that are going on right now...they seem to be heading in a good direction...I can't lie though it hurts me that I am having such a hard time getting back into reading my Bible...and I wasn't sure if I should post this or not because I have once before not that long ago and nothing has really changed...I feel like it makes me look bad...but I want to be honest...maybe that will be the thing that spurs me to dig back into the word...
Maybe I should share things that I struggle with more often just to spur myself back into doing thing...or to get me to stop doing things...
Whelp as you all know if you read the post before this then you know that my appointments went well on Monday...and my perm cath spot look really great...it hurts a little still but mostly it feels fine and is healing great...
My appointment on Wednesday was fine...I ate radio active scrambled egg even though I think eggs are gross...I made myself down them fast and try not to think about what I was doing because normally the taste of eggs makes me want to throw up...and even though they were radioactive they look normal and tasted normal...and sadly I didn't get any superpowers from it...which stinks...I had to eat the eggs so they could see how food was passing through my system...they had me eat the eggs and then took pictures with an x-ray type thing every 15 minutes for and hour...then I had an hour off and they took one more picture...they were looking forward they said was an "obstruction" meaning the mass to see if it was making it hard and painful for food to pass through my stomach...when I talked to the lady from Dr. O'Connor's office (my surgeon in Peoria) she said that the tests showed no obstruction...I am not sure if that means the mass is completely gone or that the swelling has just gone down so that food can easily pass again without any pain...I will find out more tomorrow when I go see the GI doctor in the morning...I also have an appointment in the afternoon with Dr. Sader...so we will have a couple hours at the zoo again...which frankly I am excited about because well I love zoos...
Besides that I will have a blood test and maybe a blood transfusion this week because my blood count is kind of low right now...the last time it was checked it was 6.6...Dr. Sader is unsure if that is true or not since I had a couple procedures this week and because I have been feeling so good...we have told him though that I am going to Arizona and I need to feel good for that...so I might have to get some blood before that...
Speaking of Arizona I am getting really excited to go...I am excited about so many things...I am excited to see my family and my friends...I am excited about the heat (even thougth a lot of people think over 100 degrees isn't so fun I love it since that is about the only time I am not cold)...I am looking forwards to graduating...I am looking forward to showing my parents around where I went and such...I am excited to go swimming since my cath is out now...I am excited to go on vacation...
I am excited too about the fact that we are getting air conditioning units in our house upstairs...they are going to be sort of like the ones that you see in hotel rooms under the windows...I am excited that we are getting them (one in mom and dad's room one in mine) but in the process I had a bit of a nervous break down today...my room is a mess right now so that the men who are going to put in the air conditioner can get around and so that my stuff won't be dusty and messy afterwards...if you know me you know that my room being a mess is something I don't handle well...I kept trying to not cry as the mess got bigger and bigger but I couldn't help it...we just about got done and I started crying...having a mess in my room makes me freak out...I want to control everything in my room...I can't control anything else so I control that...being someone who craves control (which I think a lot of us do whether we want to admit it or not) it's hard for me to give up that control...my room becoming a huge mess today made me feel a little like things were spinning out of control...I know it's just my room but when I can't control anything else that's a big deal...right now I am ok with it and I have to remind myself that good is coming out of this but the process of sort of making the mess today was really hard for me...
But then again a lot of things are hard for me...something that has always been hard for me that I may have mentioned before is taking compliments...that might sound funny because I know I am fun to to around and strong and whatever...I mean I often joke about how good looking I am...there is a big difference to me though...I do that because I know that my father in Heaven delights in me and has fearfully and wonderfully made me...and I set my value and worth in being a daughter of the most high King (I am still working on warming up the to the word princess)...when others compliment me I don't know what to do...I feel like there are all these eyes on me waiting to see what I say and do...do I compliment the person back...do I thank them...do I brush it off...do I say something great about Jesus only making what some people say about me that much more true making them say "that's what I'm talking about"...I just don't know what to do and sometimes want to crawl out of my skin because I am so uncomfortable...at the same time though I am realizing how much those compliments really go to my head sometimes and how prideful and self-righteous i can get because so and so said this this and this about me...and I really don't want to be that way...I want to be some one who people feel comfortable around...who they feel like they can tell anything and do anything around...I want people to feel free to be themselves around me...also I want to be someone who people feel like isn't judging them or looking down their nose at them or acting like I know it all...I may get prideful but the real truth of the matter is that I am learning new things all the time which really only shows how little I do know so what do I have to be prideful about...
I can't be prideful about my relationship with Jesus because it can be real shotty at times...for a while now I have been having a hard time reading my Bible...I know I should but every time someone tells me I should it grates on my nerves so much and I don't want to do it because I don't want reading my Bible to feel like a homework assignment...I have excuses galore of why to not read my Bible...none of them very good...and yet I still have a hard time picking up my Bible and doing devotions...something I haven't been having a hard time with is praying...I love talking to God...I talk to him through out the day...I don't say this to try to look good I say this because just like how I constantly want to tell my best friends things I want to tell Jesus things and I want to thank him for the things that are going on right now...they seem to be heading in a good direction...I can't lie though it hurts me that I am having such a hard time getting back into reading my Bible...and I wasn't sure if I should post this or not because I have once before not that long ago and nothing has really changed...I feel like it makes me look bad...but I want to be honest...maybe that will be the thing that spurs me to dig back into the word...
Maybe I should share things that I struggle with more often just to spur myself back into doing thing...or to get me to stop doing things...
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