Today is the last day of having my perm cath in
I go in tomorrow and get it out...later in the afternoon I have an appointment with a surgeon in Peoria...the same one that did my fistula surgery...I see him tomorrow about the mass in my stomach...that I will have to have a surgery for...I talked to a surgeon in Dixon about it and he told me what he would do if he was doing it but he said he would be uncomfortable doing it because he thinks I should be around my kidney doctor and focus on that...finding a surgeon through him...so we did that and that's why I have the appointment tomorrow...I am so excited to get to my perm cath out but I am nervous too...I don't know how much it will hurt and I am hoping that I won't have a huge cut like Doctor Sader said could happen because that would take longer to heal and I probably wouldn't get to go swimming in Arizona if that happened...I don't think that I will have the whole huge cut but I am not sure...so who knows what will happen...I will say that although I hate this dumb perm cath it has been interesting...like a couple weeks ago when my nephew Jeremiah was pointing at my perm cath and I asked him if it was for dialysis he said "No it's for BB" so that made me feel special and made me smile...he doesn't know what it's for really but he knows that it's something BB has and I think he knows it helps keep me alive...also when I was at my friend Autumn's wedding last night she pointed at it and said that's my favorite accessory of the night...that was nice too...
Another good thing of this week was that I got to send some blood in to test against my cousin Randy since it's been six weeks since a transfusion...I feel pretty dang good too...I am excited and nervous all at the same time...I really want to find a match quickly because I am so tried of this...and out of all the people that have wanted to give me their kidney I really want it to be my cousin Randy who gives me one...so I am a little anxious about what the results will say...I feel weird saying that I want a certain person to be a donor because I almost feel bad about that...I don't want people to have to experience the things I deal with on a daily basis or the things my family goes through...like part of the reason I don;t want to get married if I don't want someone else to have to deal with the pain of this life...I mean it sucks big time so why would I want other people to be pulled into this too...also keep Randy's family in your prayers...his dad, my uncle, Randall who we call Uncle Duck has neck cancer and he starts chemo this week...actually tomorrow...they are working on raising money for the treatments so keep them in your prayers...their family is Randall, Dana (my mom's sister), Randy, Cassie, and Ryan...so whether Randy gives me a kidney or not his family is already getting brought into the hard world of massive health problems and that is a world that I don't want anyone to have to experience...
So even thought this week has been mostly good news I have been up and down emotionally...part of that was because I go to the doctors office and there are no young people there I am surrounded by old people who look sick...and that just reminds me that at my age I shouldn't be spending so much time in hospitals and doctors offices...also mom and I have a hard time with the whole needle thing some days...like yesterday was not good because it hurt really bad and the day before that mom was pretty stressed and upset about the whole thing...so yeah ick...those things have all been making me cry a lot on and off...along with the anxiety of waiting on the test results and not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow...have I mentioned I am not good at surprises...I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow and that is making me freak out a little...it has sort of been one of those week where I have a smile on my face and I look good but behind it all I am going nuts feeling like I want to jump out of my skin because I am going to lose it...
I am getting better at showing how I really feel though so that's good...my reminder this week came in the form of a song sung by Phil Collins...ps I love him...anywho I was listening to the song True Colors and I was reminded that I am surrounded by so many people who tell me "I see you true colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them show"...I think we all need to be reminded that we are loved as is since we can all get insecure about so many things...he also sings "If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear just call me up and you know I'll be there"...I need that reminder that in my weakness I am not alone I have a lot of friends who want me to call them or text them or whatever when I am freaking out and crying...and they want to be there even if I have to tell them what to say because sometimes I am the only one who knows what will make me feel better...I have been thinking about this even more recently...after having a bad day a while ago and I was crying and freaking out...when I called a friend to tell them about what had happened they later talked to my mom and said they couldn't tell what was really going on if with if I was upset or not...they thought I was maybe crying but they wouldn't tell...and this was a good friend of mine...and I got mad at myself that I don't show even the people I care about the most how I really feel even though I know he will love me no matter what and he wants to be there to help me out and to be a shoulder I can cry on...so I need to really show my true colors to everyone...that will be more meaningful to people then any words I could ever say...
and one more little thing...I saw my friend Buck yesterday at Autumn's wedding and she told me how she creeps on my facebook and my blog following everything like crazy...so then I thought I want to give her a shout out...so here it is just for you Buck...that's for being such a lovely creeper...you're great and I love you...
Another good thing of this week was that I got to send some blood in to test against my cousin Randy since it's been six weeks since a transfusion...I feel pretty dang good too...I am excited and nervous all at the same time...I really want to find a match quickly because I am so tried of this...and out of all the people that have wanted to give me their kidney I really want it to be my cousin Randy who gives me one...so I am a little anxious about what the results will say...I feel weird saying that I want a certain person to be a donor because I almost feel bad about that...I don't want people to have to experience the things I deal with on a daily basis or the things my family goes through...like part of the reason I don;t want to get married if I don't want someone else to have to deal with the pain of this life...I mean it sucks big time so why would I want other people to be pulled into this too...also keep Randy's family in your prayers...his dad, my uncle, Randall who we call Uncle Duck has neck cancer and he starts chemo this week...actually tomorrow...they are working on raising money for the treatments so keep them in your prayers...their family is Randall, Dana (my mom's sister), Randy, Cassie, and Ryan...so whether Randy gives me a kidney or not his family is already getting brought into the hard world of massive health problems and that is a world that I don't want anyone to have to experience...
So even thought this week has been mostly good news I have been up and down emotionally...part of that was because I go to the doctors office and there are no young people there I am surrounded by old people who look sick...and that just reminds me that at my age I shouldn't be spending so much time in hospitals and doctors offices...also mom and I have a hard time with the whole needle thing some days...like yesterday was not good because it hurt really bad and the day before that mom was pretty stressed and upset about the whole thing...so yeah ick...those things have all been making me cry a lot on and off...along with the anxiety of waiting on the test results and not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow...have I mentioned I am not good at surprises...I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow and that is making me freak out a little...it has sort of been one of those week where I have a smile on my face and I look good but behind it all I am going nuts feeling like I want to jump out of my skin because I am going to lose it...
I am getting better at showing how I really feel though so that's good...my reminder this week came in the form of a song sung by Phil Collins...ps I love him...anywho I was listening to the song True Colors and I was reminded that I am surrounded by so many people who tell me "I see you true colors and that's why I love you so don't be afraid to let them show"...I think we all need to be reminded that we are loved as is since we can all get insecure about so many things...he also sings "If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear just call me up and you know I'll be there"...I need that reminder that in my weakness I am not alone I have a lot of friends who want me to call them or text them or whatever when I am freaking out and crying...and they want to be there even if I have to tell them what to say because sometimes I am the only one who knows what will make me feel better...I have been thinking about this even more recently...after having a bad day a while ago and I was crying and freaking out...when I called a friend to tell them about what had happened they later talked to my mom and said they couldn't tell what was really going on if with if I was upset or not...they thought I was maybe crying but they wouldn't tell...and this was a good friend of mine...and I got mad at myself that I don't show even the people I care about the most how I really feel even though I know he will love me no matter what and he wants to be there to help me out and to be a shoulder I can cry on...so I need to really show my true colors to everyone...that will be more meaningful to people then any words I could ever say...
and one more little thing...I saw my friend Buck yesterday at Autumn's wedding and she told me how she creeps on my facebook and my blog following everything like crazy...so then I thought I want to give her a shout out...so here it is just for you Buck...that's for being such a lovely creeper...you're great and I love you...
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