This week was a little rough so this post is kind of long
It needs to be said that without Nicole this week would have been shitty...
It started out with an appointment in Peoria to see my stomach doctor...the appointment wasn't bad...I got off one of my stomach meds and the other got a decrease...but then I left the hospital...almost caused an accident because of a misunderstanding...and then got a little lost...which left me flustered the rest of the day...and then I forgot that I had a blood draw and some other things to do...so I ended the day feeling like I couldn't do anything right and crying my eyes out...
The rest of the week I was trying to do a lot everyday...with new to do lists everyday...running myself ragged...and pretty much making myself sick...but I had to get stuff done for many things...like for my class...or cleaning...or stuff for the family...
My crowning moment however might have been Friday night when I spent some time yelling at God telling him how frustrated I am with life...this was all triggered because during dialysis when mom was sticking me...she had some trouble with the needle the day before...but then on Friday it felt like there was a rock in my arm she was trying to stick a needle through...obviously that does sound like it would work because you can't stick a needle through a rock...but also obviously there isn't really a rock in my arm...but that's what it feels like...once the needle got past that spot it was fine...but it hurt like hell bringing instant tears...but I have to have dialysis so as always I just had to tough it out...anyway that pain got me ticked off because I don't understand how every single thing has to be painful or hard...I mean I get it already...I'm going to be sick the rest of my life...it's going to be full of pain and hardships...so I don't understand why just this once something can go smoothly...why can't I have a fistula and button holes that aren't really painful and sensitive...I already hate how the scars look on my arm...I don't see why I also have to hate it because it's so painful...
Also on a health note mom and I got boxes from gift of hope this week...which means we both are going sometime tomorrow to get our blood drawn to see if we are a match so she can give me a kidney...she was recently cleared by her cardiologist to be a possible donor...and my uncle Rich is still testing...I'm getting up my hopes that one of them will match me...we think maybe Rich will be a match since he is my dad's brother and my dad was such a good match...also mom was a match when I was younger...but my blood has changed a lot over the years so we will see if we are...we should know by the end of the week...so I guess we wait and see...as always prayers would be lovely...
Now back to why Nicole made this week great...
Mainly it's just because she wants to spend time with me and keeps getting me out of the house...we went to Rockford on Wednesday...as per usual we laughed and had a lot of fun...I love that she thinks the ridiculously random things I say are funny...puts me in a good mood right away...also how much we are a like puts me in a good mood...
Then last night we drove into Chicago for a concert...I can't decide what the best part was...having a older African American gentleman tell me that I looked good while I fiddled with my boot as we waited at a cross walk (I ended up getting a blister...I knew I should have broken then in more...also African American people all over think I am cool and that makes me feel good)...eating an entire pizza so we wouldn't have to deal with leftovers...Parachute playing "Gimme me Some Lovin" (you know the Blues Brothers song) in Chicago and bringing a Chicago boy (the singer that played before them Andrew Ripp) on to the stage to sing with them...calling for "Thrift Shop" to be played on the speakers while they were changing the stage around only to have Andy Grammar preform it live with his band (Nicole and I went nuts...for reals...that's our jam)...finding out we were only a block away from our friend Do Nothing Daniel (you know you still agree with your toddler self...and you are correct I am cool)...or dancing through the whole concert with Nicole (it stared at 7 and didn't end till 11 I think)...
Sure today I don;t feel very good and I am so tired...but it was worth it...it was worth it because I felt like I can still do stuff with my life despite being as sick as I am...it was worth it because I got to spend time with my best friend...it was worth it because it was fun and if living isn't fun what's the point...
I want to live fully...and fully in the freedom that Christ has given me...fully through my sickness...fully through the ups and downs of life...sometimes I get distracted and need a reminder...and for me there is no greater reminder than dancing with my best friend at my side while we belt out some tunes...
As the words in one of my current favorite songs says "On the day that I die I want to say that I was a man who really lived and never compromised. When I've lived out my days until the very end, I hope they find me in my home with my guitar in my hands." (Zac Brown Band - "Day That I Die")
It started out with an appointment in Peoria to see my stomach doctor...the appointment wasn't bad...I got off one of my stomach meds and the other got a decrease...but then I left the hospital...almost caused an accident because of a misunderstanding...and then got a little lost...which left me flustered the rest of the day...and then I forgot that I had a blood draw and some other things to do...so I ended the day feeling like I couldn't do anything right and crying my eyes out...
The rest of the week I was trying to do a lot everyday...with new to do lists everyday...running myself ragged...and pretty much making myself sick...but I had to get stuff done for many things...like for my class...or cleaning...or stuff for the family...
My crowning moment however might have been Friday night when I spent some time yelling at God telling him how frustrated I am with life...this was all triggered because during dialysis when mom was sticking me...she had some trouble with the needle the day before...but then on Friday it felt like there was a rock in my arm she was trying to stick a needle through...obviously that does sound like it would work because you can't stick a needle through a rock...but also obviously there isn't really a rock in my arm...but that's what it feels like...once the needle got past that spot it was fine...but it hurt like hell bringing instant tears...but I have to have dialysis so as always I just had to tough it out...anyway that pain got me ticked off because I don't understand how every single thing has to be painful or hard...I mean I get it already...I'm going to be sick the rest of my life...it's going to be full of pain and hardships...so I don't understand why just this once something can go smoothly...why can't I have a fistula and button holes that aren't really painful and sensitive...I already hate how the scars look on my arm...I don't see why I also have to hate it because it's so painful...
Also on a health note mom and I got boxes from gift of hope this week...which means we both are going sometime tomorrow to get our blood drawn to see if we are a match so she can give me a kidney...she was recently cleared by her cardiologist to be a possible donor...and my uncle Rich is still testing...I'm getting up my hopes that one of them will match me...we think maybe Rich will be a match since he is my dad's brother and my dad was such a good match...also mom was a match when I was younger...but my blood has changed a lot over the years so we will see if we are...we should know by the end of the week...so I guess we wait and see...as always prayers would be lovely...
Now back to why Nicole made this week great...
Mainly it's just because she wants to spend time with me and keeps getting me out of the house...we went to Rockford on Wednesday...as per usual we laughed and had a lot of fun...I love that she thinks the ridiculously random things I say are funny...puts me in a good mood right away...also how much we are a like puts me in a good mood...
Then last night we drove into Chicago for a concert...I can't decide what the best part was...having a older African American gentleman tell me that I looked good while I fiddled with my boot as we waited at a cross walk (I ended up getting a blister...I knew I should have broken then in more...also African American people all over think I am cool and that makes me feel good)...eating an entire pizza so we wouldn't have to deal with leftovers...Parachute playing "Gimme me Some Lovin" (you know the Blues Brothers song) in Chicago and bringing a Chicago boy (the singer that played before them Andrew Ripp) on to the stage to sing with them...calling for "Thrift Shop" to be played on the speakers while they were changing the stage around only to have Andy Grammar preform it live with his band (Nicole and I went nuts...for reals...that's our jam)...finding out we were only a block away from our friend Do Nothing Daniel (you know you still agree with your toddler self...and you are correct I am cool)...or dancing through the whole concert with Nicole (it stared at 7 and didn't end till 11 I think)...
Sure today I don;t feel very good and I am so tired...but it was worth it...it was worth it because I felt like I can still do stuff with my life despite being as sick as I am...it was worth it because I got to spend time with my best friend...it was worth it because it was fun and if living isn't fun what's the point...
I want to live fully...and fully in the freedom that Christ has given me...fully through my sickness...fully through the ups and downs of life...sometimes I get distracted and need a reminder...and for me there is no greater reminder than dancing with my best friend at my side while we belt out some tunes...
As the words in one of my current favorite songs says "On the day that I die I want to say that I was a man who really lived and never compromised. When I've lived out my days until the very end, I hope they find me in my home with my guitar in my hands." (Zac Brown Band - "Day That I Die")
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