Relax

I know it's Saturday and I usually post on Sunday...don't worry I will post one tomorrow too...

I feel like I am having what you might call an off day...some people might say waking up on the wrong side of the bed...but no side to me is the wrong side...so I say off day...what I mean by that is that it seems like every little stupid thing is upsetting and frustrating to me...

Sometimes my off days and frustrations are really a guise for how annoyed I am with being sick...like I could say everything is upsetting me because I am tired of being sick...sick of dialysis...or today tired of my back hurting on and off all week still even after multiple trips to the chiropractor...

But it's really none of that...I am just frustrated and moody...and it happens...it makes me feel like I should have a shirt or hoodie on today that says "WARNING I'm pissy today. Stay back!"...

This weird mood I am in today has made me realize even more how often I am silently telling myself to relax...in a lot of situations I find myself saying to myself "relax relax relax relax" in a sort of hurried worried way making relaxing sound like the most important thing in my life...which is said while trying to calm myself down when I am upset...or when I don't want to do something...or when I know something will be painful...or when I really just need to relax...

It is funny that recently I have found that the things I have done for years and have been used to are now the very things that I dread...

For instance anything involving a needles...shots...dialysis...drawing blood...ivs...which may be because of all the scar tissue built up in my veins making every little stick painful...relax relax relax relax relax...

Or taking my meds...which I am finding I don't want to take in morning...because they taste gross...have been catching in the throat...making me sick to my stomach...but with every handful...relax relax relax relax...

Or today with the stupid stuff that is upsetting me...like accidentally dumping my cheese danish all over the floor while on dialysis...relax relax relax relax...or spilling stuff on my bed while on dialysis....relax relax relax relax...

Or the worst one is at night when I can't fall asleep...relax relax relax relax...when I don't want to fall asleep because I am probably going to have bad dreams again and wake up scared out of my mind again still not wanting to sleep...relax relax relax relax...with music playing softly to remind me that I am safe...relax relax relax relax...

I don't know when this change happened...when the stuff I have dealt with all my life became things that I despise doing....that doesn't mean I will stop doing them...it just means that I feel like these things have become more of a chore instead of just part of my everyday life...I still try to shrug them off as nothing...but silently...silently I feel like I am on the brink of tears because I am so tired of it all...

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