Open Door Policy
Hey there,
So first I have a few things to add/correct from last weeks post.
First correction - I wrote that I had a leg bag in 2nd grade when it was really 3rd grade. On the plus side both my 2nd and 3rd grade teachers were great and at the time (and possibly still) were best friends and were fantastic with dealing with me pre and post transplant.
Second correction - I wrote that I had a hemoglobin of 2.2 and was life flighted and then a week later after briefly being home went back after having seizures because of brain swelling. But I flipped those. It was seizures released and then 2.2 hemoglobin. Both times life flighted. Both times unsure if I would live - well actually with the seizures they did not know at all what was going on and with the 2.2 hemoglobin all the nurses were like, "You should be dead. I have never sen anyone with a 2.2 and be alive." Sometimes it is very easy to get things mixed up because so many things happened and so much of life felt like chaos.
And here the other thing I want to add that I forgot to mention. Since transplants are a treatment and not a cure that means two things 1) transplanted organs typically last 10-15 years. If that last longer you are doing golden. My first transplant last 13 years before I was put back on the waiting list. That also means 2) depending on how long I live I will need another transplant. It's a fact of life for me. I do my best to be very aware of that.
So far everyday of my life has been and will continue to be a bonus day that I should not have gotten and I still have no guarantee of getting a new day tomorrow.
Now on to other things.
With recently entering the holiday season I have been thinking a lot about why I love this season and I keep thinking it is because of Emmanuel - God with us.
I love that I serve a relational God. A God who wants to know me and be known by me. I have brought up this reality like this in the past when talking about prayer - All you are doing is talking to your best friend. Our human best friends are easily accessible to us even when they are miles away. And here's the thing God is not a far away distant can't hear a thing we say God. He is with us - the Holy Spirit. I often think of him riding in the passenger seat of my car as I drive places and I am singing or praying to remind me that I am not talking to a careless, faceless God. But the God of love. Love that continues to come to me. And I am often also reminded that just like with best friends there needs to be a give and take. There needs to be a time of listening. I am not always so good at this but to know God I need to stop talking and ask God to get my mind to stop racing so that I can hear from him or just be with him. There has been plenty of time spent in many of my friendships of just sitting in silence being with one another.
Something that was referenced in my Sunday school class today was the end Matthew 7:7 "Knock and the door will be opened to you." And it made me think about how the house I grew up in had an open door policy. Friends and family knew that the house we used to live in was never locked. So if you were out and about running errands and needed to pee you could stop at our house even if no one was home. Or if you were traveling through town in the middle of night and needed to get some sleep you were welcome to come in and crash on the couch without having to wake any of us up. Not only did my parents trust that God would protect us if we left our door open but they also knew that if our friends knew that we trusted them that that builds a relationship. And if you knocked at our door we would laugh at you or make fun of you if you knew about our open door policy. Come on in and make yourself at home. I like to think of God like that. In that verse there is no hesitation about the door being opened. No say the magic words. No ask x amount of times. Just that the door will be opened. And it got me wondering how many times do I knock or keep knocking when the door is already open. When God is already inviting me in to talk about what is on my heart and in that conversation to deepen that relationship. And really that relationship is of the utmost importance. Not my wants or needs or that my question be answered the way I want. But the continual growth of the relationship.
And that requires walking through the open door.
And that leads me back to what I posted about at the beginning of this and last week. My sickness makes it so that I have to be close to God. I do not have the strength without him and there are a lot of conversations of me saying, "I don't get it." And then I am reminded of Paul speaking about the thorn in his side -
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:8-10
And this is part of the reason why I no longer pray for healing because if God is going to use this to teach me other things or even just to depend on him more then I need to get out of my own way and instead listen to him. His grace is sufficient.
So first I have a few things to add/correct from last weeks post.
First correction - I wrote that I had a leg bag in 2nd grade when it was really 3rd grade. On the plus side both my 2nd and 3rd grade teachers were great and at the time (and possibly still) were best friends and were fantastic with dealing with me pre and post transplant.
Second correction - I wrote that I had a hemoglobin of 2.2 and was life flighted and then a week later after briefly being home went back after having seizures because of brain swelling. But I flipped those. It was seizures released and then 2.2 hemoglobin. Both times life flighted. Both times unsure if I would live - well actually with the seizures they did not know at all what was going on and with the 2.2 hemoglobin all the nurses were like, "You should be dead. I have never sen anyone with a 2.2 and be alive." Sometimes it is very easy to get things mixed up because so many things happened and so much of life felt like chaos.
And here the other thing I want to add that I forgot to mention. Since transplants are a treatment and not a cure that means two things 1) transplanted organs typically last 10-15 years. If that last longer you are doing golden. My first transplant last 13 years before I was put back on the waiting list. That also means 2) depending on how long I live I will need another transplant. It's a fact of life for me. I do my best to be very aware of that.
So far everyday of my life has been and will continue to be a bonus day that I should not have gotten and I still have no guarantee of getting a new day tomorrow.
Now on to other things.
With recently entering the holiday season I have been thinking a lot about why I love this season and I keep thinking it is because of Emmanuel - God with us.
I love that I serve a relational God. A God who wants to know me and be known by me. I have brought up this reality like this in the past when talking about prayer - All you are doing is talking to your best friend. Our human best friends are easily accessible to us even when they are miles away. And here's the thing God is not a far away distant can't hear a thing we say God. He is with us - the Holy Spirit. I often think of him riding in the passenger seat of my car as I drive places and I am singing or praying to remind me that I am not talking to a careless, faceless God. But the God of love. Love that continues to come to me. And I am often also reminded that just like with best friends there needs to be a give and take. There needs to be a time of listening. I am not always so good at this but to know God I need to stop talking and ask God to get my mind to stop racing so that I can hear from him or just be with him. There has been plenty of time spent in many of my friendships of just sitting in silence being with one another.
Something that was referenced in my Sunday school class today was the end Matthew 7:7 "Knock and the door will be opened to you." And it made me think about how the house I grew up in had an open door policy. Friends and family knew that the house we used to live in was never locked. So if you were out and about running errands and needed to pee you could stop at our house even if no one was home. Or if you were traveling through town in the middle of night and needed to get some sleep you were welcome to come in and crash on the couch without having to wake any of us up. Not only did my parents trust that God would protect us if we left our door open but they also knew that if our friends knew that we trusted them that that builds a relationship. And if you knocked at our door we would laugh at you or make fun of you if you knew about our open door policy. Come on in and make yourself at home. I like to think of God like that. In that verse there is no hesitation about the door being opened. No say the magic words. No ask x amount of times. Just that the door will be opened. And it got me wondering how many times do I knock or keep knocking when the door is already open. When God is already inviting me in to talk about what is on my heart and in that conversation to deepen that relationship. And really that relationship is of the utmost importance. Not my wants or needs or that my question be answered the way I want. But the continual growth of the relationship.
And that requires walking through the open door.
And that leads me back to what I posted about at the beginning of this and last week. My sickness makes it so that I have to be close to God. I do not have the strength without him and there are a lot of conversations of me saying, "I don't get it." And then I am reminded of Paul speaking about the thorn in his side -
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:8-10
And this is part of the reason why I no longer pray for healing because if God is going to use this to teach me other things or even just to depend on him more then I need to get out of my own way and instead listen to him. His grace is sufficient.
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