We took the doctor a pie today
we haven't done that in a long time and we only do that when we like our doctor...it was funny today because when we went to give it to him we could tell me was excited about it but then he said well after i tell you what i have to tell you you might not want to give me a pie...hahahaha...
so here's the news...and just so you are forwarned we weren't really expecting good news so if you are expecting that well then you probably still don't fully understnad the realities of the life that God gave me...anywho...he was concerned because my creatine was up again this time at 3 which is bad...i have a lot of protien in my urine which is also bad...he was also concerned that neither my utlrasound nor my biospy showed that anything was bad and that should not be the case...once he said that he looked over at us with a look on his face like don't be mad and said "i want to do another biopsy if that's ok with you just to check on things again"...i wanted to say hecks no but instead i said that's fine i understand and now i have a biopsy scheduled for thrusday in Peoria...which truthfully i have mixed emotions about...i am also on one more new med...and he might change some of my meds around a little bit after my biopsy depending on what it says but for now that's all...
i say i have mixed emotions about having a biopsy because i just had one so i know what to expect and i know that it's no big deal...but at the same time biopsys hurt a lot afterwards...so that's not cool...
i was telling mom today that sometimes i don't know how to react after a doctors appointment...sometimes i just want to be mad and frustrated and upset but i get tired of people throwing their cliche saying or their "helpful" hints or the things they say about God that people seem to think I don't know...i've been dealing with the health junk for 20 years i know that God is good and that God will get me through everything becase i have experianced it...sometimes when people talk to me i think do you not notice that i am not paying attention to anything you are saying...and when people talk and try to feed me their saying or the things that make them feel good i just want to yell at them...you know what i want people to tell me when i am ticked off or crying or whatever emotion...I want people to tell me it's ok to be mad...tell me that you would be ticked off too if you never caught a break or if you were dealt the card i was...tell me that it's ok to cry and scream and shout and let out thoe emotions...agree with me that this is a load of crap...and don't tack any "but..." onto it...like the "this suck now but God is good and he is doing something great with this"...I know that God is good and i know he is doing incredible thing through all this crap but that doesn't mean it's not crap and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...i would even prefer you not to say anything if you are going to try to cram me full of widom that you think is helpful...i've done this a time or two and i have seen the hand of God at work so i know the truth of his goodness but that does not mean that i am not a human who has crazy emotion and who still feels the weight of every new thing deeply no matter how many times i have heard bad news it's still bad news and it still sucks...so let me for at least a little bit stay with those emotions and be sad and pissed off and frustrated with the life that god has given me and in my own time come back around to loving every second of this messed up chaotic life...
so here's the news...and just so you are forwarned we weren't really expecting good news so if you are expecting that well then you probably still don't fully understnad the realities of the life that God gave me...anywho...he was concerned because my creatine was up again this time at 3 which is bad...i have a lot of protien in my urine which is also bad...he was also concerned that neither my utlrasound nor my biospy showed that anything was bad and that should not be the case...once he said that he looked over at us with a look on his face like don't be mad and said "i want to do another biopsy if that's ok with you just to check on things again"...i wanted to say hecks no but instead i said that's fine i understand and now i have a biopsy scheduled for thrusday in Peoria...which truthfully i have mixed emotions about...i am also on one more new med...and he might change some of my meds around a little bit after my biopsy depending on what it says but for now that's all...
i say i have mixed emotions about having a biopsy because i just had one so i know what to expect and i know that it's no big deal...but at the same time biopsys hurt a lot afterwards...so that's not cool...
i was telling mom today that sometimes i don't know how to react after a doctors appointment...sometimes i just want to be mad and frustrated and upset but i get tired of people throwing their cliche saying or their "helpful" hints or the things they say about God that people seem to think I don't know...i've been dealing with the health junk for 20 years i know that God is good and that God will get me through everything becase i have experianced it...sometimes when people talk to me i think do you not notice that i am not paying attention to anything you are saying...and when people talk and try to feed me their saying or the things that make them feel good i just want to yell at them...you know what i want people to tell me when i am ticked off or crying or whatever emotion...I want people to tell me it's ok to be mad...tell me that you would be ticked off too if you never caught a break or if you were dealt the card i was...tell me that it's ok to cry and scream and shout and let out thoe emotions...agree with me that this is a load of crap...and don't tack any "but..." onto it...like the "this suck now but God is good and he is doing something great with this"...I know that God is good and i know he is doing incredible thing through all this crap but that doesn't mean it's not crap and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...i would even prefer you not to say anything if you are going to try to cram me full of widom that you think is helpful...i've done this a time or two and i have seen the hand of God at work so i know the truth of his goodness but that does not mean that i am not a human who has crazy emotion and who still feels the weight of every new thing deeply no matter how many times i have heard bad news it's still bad news and it still sucks...so let me for at least a little bit stay with those emotions and be sad and pissed off and frustrated with the life that god has given me and in my own time come back around to loving every second of this messed up chaotic life...
Oh, man. I KNOW I've said those things to you before. I give you permission to punch me in the face if I do it again. :) You probably know this, but people just want to help in some way, but most of us don't how. We want to say "the right thing" but end up messing it up. (Have you looked through that book I gave you at all? The woman who wrote it wanted to punch someone in the face at her husband's funeral for trying to "say the right thing".) Mostly, we're just dumb. But that gives you an incredible opportunity to educate! You could help people learn what to say when they don't know what to say. You've already started a list of things here, but I bet if you thought about all your experiences with people and their well-meaning wishes for you, you'd have enough for an article. I know this is a bad time to be suggesting work projects, but if you want help with it, I'm your girl. I love you. :)
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