I had this amazing dream the other night
I had this dream that I was building myself a beach house...how I knew what to do to build it I really don't know...cause I was building it all by hand by myself...weird...anyways it was the coolest place ever...it only had like three rooms and it was really small but it was perfect for me...it was like a shack basically...it had all these beautiful windows facing the beach so that I could feel the breeze blowing in off the ocean...it was amazing...it was so great I didn't want to wake up...I knew it was a dream but I so badly wanted it to be real...everything was peaceful and easy and there was no chaos like there is in my life everyday right now...man I loved it...
Besides that I have been noticing this week that I say things about how cool or not cool I think I am like "I wish I was cool like them" or "I'm not that cool"...I have noticed how often myself and others try to be cool...or feel like we aren't cool enough to fit in with a group that we actually probably belong to...with me I often say that I am not cool enough the hang out with the hippies that I know...sure I have grown up around hippies and I could be considered a bit of a hippie myself but I still would say that they are cooler than me...not because they act in anyway like they are better than me...they never act like they are better than anyone...the truth is that I envy them and their simple life style...I envy a lot of other things about the hippies that I know and that to me is part of why they are so cool and I feel like I don't belong with them...sure I can be a bit of a free spirit...but I feel like there are so many other sides of me that don't fit with the free spirit side or in with hippies at all...those things even though I am proud of them for some reason I feel like they make me uncool and like I don't fit in with people that I actually get along really well with...I wonder how often we all inadvertently put ourselves down and say that we don't belong when in fact we do...I know that all to often I let the devil play mind games with me to make me feel like I don't fit in and I don't have a place forgetting about all the people that support and love me...those are the times when I need to remind myself that though I may not always fit with the people that I think are "cool" I am srrounded by so many people that love to be around me that think that I am "cool"...and for how uncool and how big a mess I am that is a big blessing...
I guess I should talk about my health a little...I talked to my doctor on the phone the other day...he said that my biopsy here pretty much showed the same thing as my biopsy in Arizona...the only differance was that there was some inflamation that could be a small amount of rejection...but it still pretty much shows that everything is fine with my kidney...which doesn't make sense since my blood is still nasty and my body still feels crappy equalling that my body is indeed jacked up...like jacked up jacked up...so my doctor is going to try changing my meds a little bit to see if that will help...I started that really today...and I started taking more meds not less...not cool...
When the doctor called I just wanted to scream...I was feeling then and still feel a little like what was the point of going through all this pain again just to have the test show nothing again...ugh...truthfully it makes me want to hit something and cry all at the same time...puts me in a pissy mood makes me want to avoid people because I don't want to deal with anyone nor lash out on them in my frustration...when I do lash out I end up feeling bad because I know that it's not the people around me who are responsible for my body being totally messed up...I feel bad because I know that it makes me more irratable than I already am when I get bad news...and truthfully this news from the doctor which is depressing makes me depressed...I get tired of my body not following the norms and I get tired of never getting any answers so that the problems with my body can be fixed...it's endlessly annoying and you would think after 20 years I would be used to it but I am not...which might be even more annoying but oh well...this is my life...what am I going to do...somedays I love it somedays I hate it...
After my biopsy at first it wasn't too bad because I was on these incredible pain killers...made me understand why people get addicted to them...not only was the pain from my biopsy gone but all my aches and pains that I try daily to ignore were gone...I don't think I have ever felt better in my whole life...but coming off of the pain meds made me feel SUPER sick...like sick to my stomach light headed dizzy couldn't sleep it was not good...so I only took it for like a day and then I said forget this...evidently though according to Nicole they made me sort of giddy and she thought that was kind of fun...I think that a big part of that though was just that I felt so good how could I not be a little giddy and loopy...having no pain is a pretty big deal for this girl who is in pain all the time...but I don't really need to be high on anything but life right now or ever really so forget the pain killers...even though I have what Nicole calls a bullet hole in my side (it's really not that big) and it is super painful and makes it hard to sit still...I would rather learn to deal with that then with the nasty feeling later and the being loopy now...
Lastly I think that I should say happy daddy's day...I don't know about how your daddy's day went but daddy's day here was pretty great...we had a cookout with the family...the boys had a lot of fun in the sun and we got to celebrate my brother and my dad...and I know everyone says that they have the best dad ever but I don't know that your dad can top my dad because my dad gave me a kidney...which we will be celebrating on Wednesday...20 years since I first got sick and 13 years sicne my transplant...so thinking of that made today extra specail...
Besides that I have been noticing this week that I say things about how cool or not cool I think I am like "I wish I was cool like them" or "I'm not that cool"...I have noticed how often myself and others try to be cool...or feel like we aren't cool enough to fit in with a group that we actually probably belong to...with me I often say that I am not cool enough the hang out with the hippies that I know...sure I have grown up around hippies and I could be considered a bit of a hippie myself but I still would say that they are cooler than me...not because they act in anyway like they are better than me...they never act like they are better than anyone...the truth is that I envy them and their simple life style...I envy a lot of other things about the hippies that I know and that to me is part of why they are so cool and I feel like I don't belong with them...sure I can be a bit of a free spirit...but I feel like there are so many other sides of me that don't fit with the free spirit side or in with hippies at all...those things even though I am proud of them for some reason I feel like they make me uncool and like I don't fit in with people that I actually get along really well with...I wonder how often we all inadvertently put ourselves down and say that we don't belong when in fact we do...I know that all to often I let the devil play mind games with me to make me feel like I don't fit in and I don't have a place forgetting about all the people that support and love me...those are the times when I need to remind myself that though I may not always fit with the people that I think are "cool" I am srrounded by so many people that love to be around me that think that I am "cool"...and for how uncool and how big a mess I am that is a big blessing...
I guess I should talk about my health a little...I talked to my doctor on the phone the other day...he said that my biopsy here pretty much showed the same thing as my biopsy in Arizona...the only differance was that there was some inflamation that could be a small amount of rejection...but it still pretty much shows that everything is fine with my kidney...which doesn't make sense since my blood is still nasty and my body still feels crappy equalling that my body is indeed jacked up...like jacked up jacked up...so my doctor is going to try changing my meds a little bit to see if that will help...I started that really today...and I started taking more meds not less...not cool...
When the doctor called I just wanted to scream...I was feeling then and still feel a little like what was the point of going through all this pain again just to have the test show nothing again...ugh...truthfully it makes me want to hit something and cry all at the same time...puts me in a pissy mood makes me want to avoid people because I don't want to deal with anyone nor lash out on them in my frustration...when I do lash out I end up feeling bad because I know that it's not the people around me who are responsible for my body being totally messed up...I feel bad because I know that it makes me more irratable than I already am when I get bad news...and truthfully this news from the doctor which is depressing makes me depressed...I get tired of my body not following the norms and I get tired of never getting any answers so that the problems with my body can be fixed...it's endlessly annoying and you would think after 20 years I would be used to it but I am not...which might be even more annoying but oh well...this is my life...what am I going to do...somedays I love it somedays I hate it...
After my biopsy at first it wasn't too bad because I was on these incredible pain killers...made me understand why people get addicted to them...not only was the pain from my biopsy gone but all my aches and pains that I try daily to ignore were gone...I don't think I have ever felt better in my whole life...but coming off of the pain meds made me feel SUPER sick...like sick to my stomach light headed dizzy couldn't sleep it was not good...so I only took it for like a day and then I said forget this...evidently though according to Nicole they made me sort of giddy and she thought that was kind of fun...I think that a big part of that though was just that I felt so good how could I not be a little giddy and loopy...having no pain is a pretty big deal for this girl who is in pain all the time...but I don't really need to be high on anything but life right now or ever really so forget the pain killers...even though I have what Nicole calls a bullet hole in my side (it's really not that big) and it is super painful and makes it hard to sit still...I would rather learn to deal with that then with the nasty feeling later and the being loopy now...
Lastly I think that I should say happy daddy's day...I don't know about how your daddy's day went but daddy's day here was pretty great...we had a cookout with the family...the boys had a lot of fun in the sun and we got to celebrate my brother and my dad...and I know everyone says that they have the best dad ever but I don't know that your dad can top my dad because my dad gave me a kidney...which we will be celebrating on Wednesday...20 years since I first got sick and 13 years sicne my transplant...so thinking of that made today extra specail...
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