I know it's monday
And I normally post on Sunday...and I didn't yet again...but I've been super tired so yesterday I didn't feel like posting...plus I feel like I don't know what to write about...
I still haven't been feeling to great so it's hard to be positive and I feel like no one wants to read my always negative nancy posts...
It's offically been three weeks of diarrhea which is totally awesome...and my body is trying really hard to heal itself which isn't really working...the mix of being sick and taking meds to help with that and taking my normal meds and my body trying to heal itself makes me feel pretty gross all the time...so that's not always fun to deal with but I don't really ahve a choice...
I have found though that I hate telling people about what has been going on with me because I hate seeing the reaction on people's faces when I tell them I don't feel good...seeing people get disappointed and worried and upset when I tell them that I am tired or have diarrhea or have lost weight...it's killer...makes me really not want to talk to people so that I don't have to disappoint them because I know I am doing to because there is no quick fix for my body...I wish I could truthfully tell people everyday that it's a good day and that I am feeling good or even a little bit better but that's not the truth...in my case the truth really does hurt...then people get on their sympathetic voices and out come the droppy sad worried eyes and I feel responsible for their pain...it's like an endless cycle because they feel bad that I'm in so much pain and then I feel bad that they feel my pain...then I get even more cranky and irritable then I already am...so that's not cool either...
Makes me want to shut myself up in my room and never come out to deal with people because I don't want to cause people pain...and I can't make people understnad that there is no easy fix for me being sick...I am sick I will always be sick and I will always feel like crap...some days I'm just better at blocking out how crappy I feel than other days...and some days I only feel like a small pile of crap instead of a large one...but like someone recovering from an addiction I will always have to struggle with the ramifications...if that makes sense...what I mean is that recovering alcoholics will tell you that they struggle fighting with their addiction every day...years after it's still a constant tempation to fall back to their old ways no matter how destructive they were...with me because I am sick and will be sick all my life I will always be dealing with the side effects of having a transplant and being on meds and waht that means as they take care of and tear apart my body...I will not be healed or pain free or even feel as good as a healthy person on a bad day while I am on this Earth...that has been a reality of my life for 20 years...and I'm ok with that...except for when other people make me feel like I shouldn't be ok with that...but I would rather be sick and unhelathy here with the promise of Heaven then walk around healthy taking life for granted...
I still haven't been feeling to great so it's hard to be positive and I feel like no one wants to read my always negative nancy posts...
It's offically been three weeks of diarrhea which is totally awesome...and my body is trying really hard to heal itself which isn't really working...the mix of being sick and taking meds to help with that and taking my normal meds and my body trying to heal itself makes me feel pretty gross all the time...so that's not always fun to deal with but I don't really ahve a choice...
I have found though that I hate telling people about what has been going on with me because I hate seeing the reaction on people's faces when I tell them I don't feel good...seeing people get disappointed and worried and upset when I tell them that I am tired or have diarrhea or have lost weight...it's killer...makes me really not want to talk to people so that I don't have to disappoint them because I know I am doing to because there is no quick fix for my body...I wish I could truthfully tell people everyday that it's a good day and that I am feeling good or even a little bit better but that's not the truth...in my case the truth really does hurt...then people get on their sympathetic voices and out come the droppy sad worried eyes and I feel responsible for their pain...it's like an endless cycle because they feel bad that I'm in so much pain and then I feel bad that they feel my pain...then I get even more cranky and irritable then I already am...so that's not cool either...
Makes me want to shut myself up in my room and never come out to deal with people because I don't want to cause people pain...and I can't make people understnad that there is no easy fix for me being sick...I am sick I will always be sick and I will always feel like crap...some days I'm just better at blocking out how crappy I feel than other days...and some days I only feel like a small pile of crap instead of a large one...but like someone recovering from an addiction I will always have to struggle with the ramifications...if that makes sense...what I mean is that recovering alcoholics will tell you that they struggle fighting with their addiction every day...years after it's still a constant tempation to fall back to their old ways no matter how destructive they were...with me because I am sick and will be sick all my life I will always be dealing with the side effects of having a transplant and being on meds and waht that means as they take care of and tear apart my body...I will not be healed or pain free or even feel as good as a healthy person on a bad day while I am on this Earth...that has been a reality of my life for 20 years...and I'm ok with that...except for when other people make me feel like I shouldn't be ok with that...but I would rather be sick and unhelathy here with the promise of Heaven then walk around healthy taking life for granted...
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