I know it's Monday
And I normally post on Sunday and I didn't...don't worry I'm not dead...I was at a friends house last night hanging out so that was nice but I was out there kind of late and then by the time I got home I didn't feel like posting...plus I sort of have been more moody than normal lately which makes me not really want to post cause when I am moody like this I never know what I will say and how much I will regret it later...
You would think that since I am feeling a little bit better since getting my transfusion I would be in a better mood but that is not the case...I'm in a worst mood...it annoys me to no end that even though I feel good its only temporary and I still can't do the things I want to do...and I am also having no one of those times when I don't really want to talk about my health with anyone...I just get sick of talking about my health...there's more to me than that so sometimes I get in these moods where when people ask me about my health I just want to punch them...I know they are trying to be nice and they aren't doing anything wrong...it's just that I am having one of those times when I want a normal life and I hate my life...I want my conversations to revolve around other things...even mundane things like the weather just so I don't have to talk about my health...like I mentioned I know people are asking because they care and I am glad they do really I am but talking about the same thing all the time does get pretty old...there are other things going on in my life besides my body failing me...and even if there aren't there are other things going on in the world that I know about that we could make small talk about...sometimes talking about those things with people help me feel like I am normal in some way...helps me feel like my life is not totally messed up...
With that being said I know people are curious about my health so here is a quick update...I have been feeling like I have a little more energy since my transfusion but I still don't do much because I don't need to burn all my energy out in a day...I have still had some diarrhea on and off but I am slowly gaining some weight back...some days I pig out and eat everything in sight and other days everything tastes gross so I eat nothing...on the days I eat nohting I worry about being put on dialysis again because even though I have been on dialysis multiple times I don't remember it because I have been super sick and out of it when I was on it so that scares me a little...I don't really have an answer of what the doctors are doing next other than to say that we are meeting with the transplant doctor on Aug 17th so ya'll will just have to calm down and keep your pants on till then...bombarding me with questions will not speed anything up or make me tell you more even if I did know more because that just makes me want to shut down...Yes I want people to talk to me and show they care but I need people to be calm and not freak out...you freaking out only makes it harder for me to not freak out...I shouldn't have to be strong for you I am the one that is sick you should be strong for me...just saying...
Other than that this week has been interesting...I have been thinking about the past a lot...like the past couple years...or my time at senior camp as a camper...part of that was because I went to Kate Laskowski's (Obert) wedding this weekend...I got to spend time with two of my brothers Kenny and Danny and the three of us have been thinking about how we became friends and different things we have done together...it's funny how when I met them I couldn't stand them at all and then this weekend even though I didn't feel the greatest I did dance at the wedding with them a little and I don't do that just for anyone...God had an interesting plan in mind when he threw a wrench into what I thought I knew and what I thought I wanted and made those guys my friends...it has been interesting for me to learn different thing about myself through being friends with them...I have found that being friends with them helps me to be not only honest with them but more honest with myself as well...they don't let me just blow off my reactions to things but truly want to know why I am acting the way I am...this forces me to come to terms with a lot of my emotions and fears that I like to pretend I don't have...and from the beginning Danny was pretty good at seeing through my lies as well which can be challenging for me...
Something I learned about myself early on in being friends with them is how much I really can be like normal girls...I like to think that I am not quite as crazy as your typical girl...I like to think that I can keep myself in check better than others because I know how crazy we can be and how we let our emotions reign supreme...the truth however is that I am just as bad as other girls when it comes to letting my emotions get the best of me...I too often let my insecurties and jealousies get the best of me...it might be weird for some people to see that I wrote insecurties because I am knwon for not giving a crap what other people think...and it's true...I don't...for the most part I figure you really don't know me so why should I care what you think about me...my insecurties come within friendships...I feel like I am easy to replace and I am always worried that will happen...sure my friends say I'm their sister and that I'm irreplaceable but something inside of me is constantly telling me that's a lie and it's like I'm just waiting for people to fail me and leave me...and jealous ties right into that...I all to often feel threatened in friendships by the smallest dumbest things...things that shouldn't bother me things that should make me proud of my friends...instead though it's like my first reaction is to take that thing as a negative in my friendship with them and as a sign that they are going to stab me in the back later...it's a constant battle with myself to remind myself that my friends are great and they do love me...yes they are human and yes they are going to hurt me but that doesn't mean they are gunning to destory me or my feelings...though it may soudn weird these are things I never would have admitted to if not for my friendships with Danny and Kenny...times when we have agrued or cried or whatever and they have forced me to get the underlying issue of what was really bugging me...mind you they still drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but I am thankful for their friendships and thankful that God forced me into their lives...sometimes it makes me wonder how many other people I avoided that could have brought the best and worst out of me forcing me to grow and why did I avoid them...was it like Danny and Kenny where I thought they were annoying and got all this attention that I wanted no part in or was it because I didn't take the time to see them or was it that they came on to strong from the beginning scaring me away...whatever it may have been what did I miss out on and how do I stop myself from missing out on friendships like this more often...and can I even cause if I am truthful and if it was really up to me I would have never become friends with Danny and Kenny not only was I annoyed by them but I was scared of what being friends with them would mean for me...I was scared of a lot of things that I never had any control over...luckily though for me God had other plans in mind and turned my world upside down by putting them in my life...it hasn't always been easy but as always God knows what he was/is doing...
You would think that since I am feeling a little bit better since getting my transfusion I would be in a better mood but that is not the case...I'm in a worst mood...it annoys me to no end that even though I feel good its only temporary and I still can't do the things I want to do...and I am also having no one of those times when I don't really want to talk about my health with anyone...I just get sick of talking about my health...there's more to me than that so sometimes I get in these moods where when people ask me about my health I just want to punch them...I know they are trying to be nice and they aren't doing anything wrong...it's just that I am having one of those times when I want a normal life and I hate my life...I want my conversations to revolve around other things...even mundane things like the weather just so I don't have to talk about my health...like I mentioned I know people are asking because they care and I am glad they do really I am but talking about the same thing all the time does get pretty old...there are other things going on in my life besides my body failing me...and even if there aren't there are other things going on in the world that I know about that we could make small talk about...sometimes talking about those things with people help me feel like I am normal in some way...helps me feel like my life is not totally messed up...
With that being said I know people are curious about my health so here is a quick update...I have been feeling like I have a little more energy since my transfusion but I still don't do much because I don't need to burn all my energy out in a day...I have still had some diarrhea on and off but I am slowly gaining some weight back...some days I pig out and eat everything in sight and other days everything tastes gross so I eat nothing...on the days I eat nohting I worry about being put on dialysis again because even though I have been on dialysis multiple times I don't remember it because I have been super sick and out of it when I was on it so that scares me a little...I don't really have an answer of what the doctors are doing next other than to say that we are meeting with the transplant doctor on Aug 17th so ya'll will just have to calm down and keep your pants on till then...bombarding me with questions will not speed anything up or make me tell you more even if I did know more because that just makes me want to shut down...Yes I want people to talk to me and show they care but I need people to be calm and not freak out...you freaking out only makes it harder for me to not freak out...I shouldn't have to be strong for you I am the one that is sick you should be strong for me...just saying...
Other than that this week has been interesting...I have been thinking about the past a lot...like the past couple years...or my time at senior camp as a camper...part of that was because I went to Kate Laskowski's (Obert) wedding this weekend...I got to spend time with two of my brothers Kenny and Danny and the three of us have been thinking about how we became friends and different things we have done together...it's funny how when I met them I couldn't stand them at all and then this weekend even though I didn't feel the greatest I did dance at the wedding with them a little and I don't do that just for anyone...God had an interesting plan in mind when he threw a wrench into what I thought I knew and what I thought I wanted and made those guys my friends...it has been interesting for me to learn different thing about myself through being friends with them...I have found that being friends with them helps me to be not only honest with them but more honest with myself as well...they don't let me just blow off my reactions to things but truly want to know why I am acting the way I am...this forces me to come to terms with a lot of my emotions and fears that I like to pretend I don't have...and from the beginning Danny was pretty good at seeing through my lies as well which can be challenging for me...
Something I learned about myself early on in being friends with them is how much I really can be like normal girls...I like to think that I am not quite as crazy as your typical girl...I like to think that I can keep myself in check better than others because I know how crazy we can be and how we let our emotions reign supreme...the truth however is that I am just as bad as other girls when it comes to letting my emotions get the best of me...I too often let my insecurties and jealousies get the best of me...it might be weird for some people to see that I wrote insecurties because I am knwon for not giving a crap what other people think...and it's true...I don't...for the most part I figure you really don't know me so why should I care what you think about me...my insecurties come within friendships...I feel like I am easy to replace and I am always worried that will happen...sure my friends say I'm their sister and that I'm irreplaceable but something inside of me is constantly telling me that's a lie and it's like I'm just waiting for people to fail me and leave me...and jealous ties right into that...I all to often feel threatened in friendships by the smallest dumbest things...things that shouldn't bother me things that should make me proud of my friends...instead though it's like my first reaction is to take that thing as a negative in my friendship with them and as a sign that they are going to stab me in the back later...it's a constant battle with myself to remind myself that my friends are great and they do love me...yes they are human and yes they are going to hurt me but that doesn't mean they are gunning to destory me or my feelings...though it may soudn weird these are things I never would have admitted to if not for my friendships with Danny and Kenny...times when we have agrued or cried or whatever and they have forced me to get the underlying issue of what was really bugging me...mind you they still drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but I am thankful for their friendships and thankful that God forced me into their lives...sometimes it makes me wonder how many other people I avoided that could have brought the best and worst out of me forcing me to grow and why did I avoid them...was it like Danny and Kenny where I thought they were annoying and got all this attention that I wanted no part in or was it because I didn't take the time to see them or was it that they came on to strong from the beginning scaring me away...whatever it may have been what did I miss out on and how do I stop myself from missing out on friendships like this more often...and can I even cause if I am truthful and if it was really up to me I would have never become friends with Danny and Kenny not only was I annoyed by them but I was scared of what being friends with them would mean for me...I was scared of a lot of things that I never had any control over...luckily though for me God had other plans in mind and turned my world upside down by putting them in my life...it hasn't always been easy but as always God knows what he was/is doing...
oh bb, i am so glad God brought us together the way he did. As opposite as we are there is no way we should be as close as we are. you are my hero and you have taught me so much from the day we became friends. i love you more than you love oscar mayer pre-cooked bacon. see you thursday. tell danny he is a fatty if you see him before i do.
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