Getting out of the house
First I want to say if you haven't read the post before this from my mom do that right now before reading mine...you don't want to miss out on what she has to say...
I'm not quite sure what to say about this week...I've had more downs than ups even though a lot of good things have happened this week...that's the thing though with being depressed...you feel like nothing can get you out of the funk you are in...sure I laugh and I smile and I carry on with people but I still am pretty upset at life right now...so that puts a damper on everything...which is no fun and I don't like at all...
Out of everything good that happened this week though (despite my pissy mood) the best part was when I went out by myself just driving...sure I did a lot of other fun things like go to the Saunders ranch with mom and watch The Help with Betty, Nicole and Mom...and Daniel for a few minutes...and I went to the Smorgasbord at church and got to spend time with friends and family...plus I did stuff like wrap presents which got me in the Christmas spirit...and it's not that I don't like the people I spent time with...I do or else I wouldn't spend time with them...but I still enjoyed being by myself the most on Friday afternoon as I went for a drive...I think it's because I am so used to doing what I want to do when I want to do it but I can't really do that right now...I have to think about when will we do dialysis or think about how long I can have the car or if I am going out with someone I have to think about how long will they want to be out...and frankly it kind of sucks...cause I feel trapped in the house all day and then when mom gets mom we usually have to start dialysis right away so we can get done at a decent time...I am feeling even more and more like my life is ruled by my health and I don't like it...it sucks...
Something I have to keep telling myself this week is to let myself say things suck without adding anything to it...what I mean by that is simply saying "this sucks" without adding any "buts" or "yets" or justifications to that statement...for example I usually say...this sucks but I know God has plans through all of this or this sucks but it's still my life and I wouldn't trade it...while those statements are true saying that doesn't allow me to express how I am truly feeling because what I am feeling right now it that this sucks and I want it to be over like yesterday...I'm sick of all of this...it's old and I want something new and good...
It's sort of weird how even though I have been sick my entire life I am finally learning how to express myself about all this and how to be assertive without complaining...well even while complaining sometimes...I'm learning how to make a big deal out of things because I should and so that I feel better emotionally or physically or whatever so that I don't have to deal with it later as it gets worse...it's not that I am surprised that I am still learning things because I so often feel like there is so much I don't know...it's more of that I feel like I am learning things that I should have learned a long time ago or things that I did think I had down...I mean my friends often hear me say that I speak my mind and they have often been on the receiving side of that too...but the reality is that I so often think about how I don't want to be a bother...in other words my mouth is good at opening to ruin friendships and cut down people to "protect me"...which is such a crock...but bad at opening up to tell people about what is actually going on with me...what I am thinking and feeling and wanting...things that are far more important
I'm not quite sure what to say about this week...I've had more downs than ups even though a lot of good things have happened this week...that's the thing though with being depressed...you feel like nothing can get you out of the funk you are in...sure I laugh and I smile and I carry on with people but I still am pretty upset at life right now...so that puts a damper on everything...which is no fun and I don't like at all...
Out of everything good that happened this week though (despite my pissy mood) the best part was when I went out by myself just driving...sure I did a lot of other fun things like go to the Saunders ranch with mom and watch The Help with Betty, Nicole and Mom...and Daniel for a few minutes...and I went to the Smorgasbord at church and got to spend time with friends and family...plus I did stuff like wrap presents which got me in the Christmas spirit...and it's not that I don't like the people I spent time with...I do or else I wouldn't spend time with them...but I still enjoyed being by myself the most on Friday afternoon as I went for a drive...I think it's because I am so used to doing what I want to do when I want to do it but I can't really do that right now...I have to think about when will we do dialysis or think about how long I can have the car or if I am going out with someone I have to think about how long will they want to be out...and frankly it kind of sucks...cause I feel trapped in the house all day and then when mom gets mom we usually have to start dialysis right away so we can get done at a decent time...I am feeling even more and more like my life is ruled by my health and I don't like it...it sucks...
Something I have to keep telling myself this week is to let myself say things suck without adding anything to it...what I mean by that is simply saying "this sucks" without adding any "buts" or "yets" or justifications to that statement...for example I usually say...this sucks but I know God has plans through all of this or this sucks but it's still my life and I wouldn't trade it...while those statements are true saying that doesn't allow me to express how I am truly feeling because what I am feeling right now it that this sucks and I want it to be over like yesterday...I'm sick of all of this...it's old and I want something new and good...
It's sort of weird how even though I have been sick my entire life I am finally learning how to express myself about all this and how to be assertive without complaining...well even while complaining sometimes...I'm learning how to make a big deal out of things because I should and so that I feel better emotionally or physically or whatever so that I don't have to deal with it later as it gets worse...it's not that I am surprised that I am still learning things because I so often feel like there is so much I don't know...it's more of that I feel like I am learning things that I should have learned a long time ago or things that I did think I had down...I mean my friends often hear me say that I speak my mind and they have often been on the receiving side of that too...but the reality is that I so often think about how I don't want to be a bother...in other words my mouth is good at opening to ruin friendships and cut down people to "protect me"...which is such a crock...but bad at opening up to tell people about what is actually going on with me...what I am thinking and feeling and wanting...things that are far more important
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