I've been putting this off
Because I don't quite know what to say...I wish I could tell you that I have been feeling great and have been enjoying life living it to the fullest...but I find myself in a deep rut...upset about everything...not knowing how to change that...it's not that I feel physically sick and gross because for the most part in that respect I have been feeling good...and I have been doing things to try to enjoy myself and have fun finally getting out of this house once and a while...like I went bowling/laser tag playing with some friends on Saturday and then today I went to the mall with Nicole...but I find myself still just feeling out of it and like I can't get happy...I don't really know how to describe it expect to say that on Saturday when I was at the bowling alley with some friends we were laughing and having a good time and as we were sitting their out of nowhere I felt like I was just going to completely lose it crying...I didn't because I didn't want to cry in the bowling alley or make a big deal out of anything in my life...but I just kept thinking what is this...I am having a great time but I still feel like I could cry at any moment...it's quite annoying and not cool at all...
But as my good friend Nicole said the other night it has taken me 20 years to finally admit that my life really does suck and I hate it a lot sometimes because my body is so jacked up so it's really ok that I am so emotional and having a hard time getting happy...I think the hardest part for me though is crying because I have trained myself so well not to cry that even when I feel like I could cry I can't seem to do it...
I want so bad to tell you positive things though so here we go...
My brothers are home from school and I love love love that...I have gotten to spend quite a bit of time with my brother Garrett since he has been home from U of I...I know I've said this before but my brothers are great...they know how to make this girl feel loved...
Some of my friends have come over on different days to sit with me through dialysis which helps keep me from getting to bored and it really does mean a lot because no one really wants to sit doing nothing for two and a half hours while I am on this machine...I know it sucks...
Saturday really was a lot of fun going to the bowling alley with my friends...I didn't bowl but I played laser tag and I could not stop laughing which I know you are not supposed to do but I couldn't help it...
I got to see my Peoria roomie Taylor this weekend and she is the main reason I couldn't stop laughing the other day during laser tag...we were so bad at the game but I don't even care because I loved getting to spend that time with her...
My brother Cory is home from Texas for Christmas and I love that for sure...and he drew me a picture in church just like he used to...it was Gru from Despicable Me riding a unicorn...and then he proceeded to sing the unicorns song from the movie in the middle of church...you know "Unicorns I love them Unicorns I love them"...he knows all the words :)
I got to see Kenny this weekend and spend a little time with him...he chilled with me while I was on dialysis for quite a while...
Nicole and I went shopping today and I treated myself to some fun things...even though some of them were a little more expensive it felt good to do that...
We saw the cutest little boy while we were in the mall...his dad was carrying his to see Santa in the mall and you could tell he was excited...as soon as his dad set him down he ran to Santa to hug him...He guy dressed as Santa couldn't help but laugh and it brought a smile to my face...plus he was short so he was hugging Santa's knees...it was so adorable...
Christmas is next Sunday and I am excited to watch my nephews open their presents...little kids are the cutest at Christmas...I have this feeling Turd Ferguson (Jeremiah) might get distracted by every toy he opens just like last year...takes longer to open presents that way but it's so cute because you can tell he appreciates everyone even though he's little...
Who knows what this week will be like but considering my crazy emotions it will probably be another one filled with ups and downs good days and off days...and right now even though I do get lonely and need some extra lovin I need to be ok with being moody Mandy with a crazy life...
But as my good friend Nicole said the other night it has taken me 20 years to finally admit that my life really does suck and I hate it a lot sometimes because my body is so jacked up so it's really ok that I am so emotional and having a hard time getting happy...I think the hardest part for me though is crying because I have trained myself so well not to cry that even when I feel like I could cry I can't seem to do it...
I want so bad to tell you positive things though so here we go...
My brothers are home from school and I love love love that...I have gotten to spend quite a bit of time with my brother Garrett since he has been home from U of I...I know I've said this before but my brothers are great...they know how to make this girl feel loved...
Some of my friends have come over on different days to sit with me through dialysis which helps keep me from getting to bored and it really does mean a lot because no one really wants to sit doing nothing for two and a half hours while I am on this machine...I know it sucks...
Saturday really was a lot of fun going to the bowling alley with my friends...I didn't bowl but I played laser tag and I could not stop laughing which I know you are not supposed to do but I couldn't help it...
I got to see my Peoria roomie Taylor this weekend and she is the main reason I couldn't stop laughing the other day during laser tag...we were so bad at the game but I don't even care because I loved getting to spend that time with her...
My brother Cory is home from Texas for Christmas and I love that for sure...and he drew me a picture in church just like he used to...it was Gru from Despicable Me riding a unicorn...and then he proceeded to sing the unicorns song from the movie in the middle of church...you know "Unicorns I love them Unicorns I love them"...he knows all the words :)
I got to see Kenny this weekend and spend a little time with him...he chilled with me while I was on dialysis for quite a while...
Nicole and I went shopping today and I treated myself to some fun things...even though some of them were a little more expensive it felt good to do that...
We saw the cutest little boy while we were in the mall...his dad was carrying his to see Santa in the mall and you could tell he was excited...as soon as his dad set him down he ran to Santa to hug him...He guy dressed as Santa couldn't help but laugh and it brought a smile to my face...plus he was short so he was hugging Santa's knees...it was so adorable...
Christmas is next Sunday and I am excited to watch my nephews open their presents...little kids are the cutest at Christmas...I have this feeling Turd Ferguson (Jeremiah) might get distracted by every toy he opens just like last year...takes longer to open presents that way but it's so cute because you can tell he appreciates everyone even though he's little...
Who knows what this week will be like but considering my crazy emotions it will probably be another one filled with ups and downs good days and off days...and right now even though I do get lonely and need some extra lovin I need to be ok with being moody Mandy with a crazy life...
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