I should probably be doing homework...

But really don't want to so I thought I would write this first...

Before the crap of this week started I had already started to form a plan of what I was going to write about next...but then when things went super crappy and I became pissed off at everything I posted my last thing...and possibly freaked out a few people...but if things suck I am going to say it so ya'll are going to have to deal with that or not read my stuff...but I have decided to write about what I originally planned to write about so if you want a health update read my last post because we don't really know anything else and are just waiting till my next doctors appointment on the 25th to ask our millions of questions...

I have been thinking a lot about my friends and I know I have written about them before but I really am thankful and when you are in a position like I am in having a good support system in your family and friends really is important...let me put it this way...one of the reason Dr. Sader says he doesn't worry about me although he knows I can be trouble sometimes...besides him believing that we know what we are doing after this long is that he continually says I have a good support system and he knows people are looking out for me wanting to help me and make sure I am not dying or lying to them about how I feel or anything like that...not only has he commented on that but other nurses have...nurses have also commented when I have been in the hospital that they can tell I am a nice person before they even have me as a patient because I get a lot of visitors in the hospital and nice people are always the ones who get visitors...

Being down in the dumps like I have been I have been trying to cheer myself up by remembering the nice things people have said about me or by looking at myself through others eyes because right now I don't feel so great or strong or really anything...as you probably read in my last post I am ready to give up...anyways when thinking about how my friends and family describe me or even nurses at the hospitals I have been at and even the random people I know that work at like walmart and shopko and where ever else because I am slowly becoming like every other female in my family making friend where ever I go...words come to mind like sweet, nice, strong, irreplaceable, inspirational, a hero (one I really am not a fan of) and recently a favorite of mine that I have moxy...thinking of things like this reminds me of how loved I truly am and makes me want to keep fighting...maybe not necessarily for me but for the people around me...I don't want to let them down...I want to be around to see them get married and have kids and get their happy ending...I want to see my nephews get older and maybe play sports or musical instruments and drive trucks like their papa and their dad...I want to see my best friends fall in love...I want to see my sister turn into the crazy cat lady...hahahahaha ok she won't turn into the crazy cat lady...I want to see her succeed in whatever she sets her mind too...I want to see so much of the world and write books and go on some crazy adventure...I want to take all of life in even if I have to take a backseat for a while...

I have been thinking a lot too about how people call me blessed...I actually have been thinking of this since before Christmas...here's why...in Luke 1:48 Mary sings "for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed."...for some reasons those verse really struck me and I keep coming back to them...now I am no Mary obviously...but I bet despite carrying the saviour of the world she could get pretty down in the dumps about life...she was pregnant out of wedlock...think of all the people that probably deserted her and called her all sorts of horrible things...it probably got lonely and she probably cried a lot...but she knew she was doing the right thing and she wanted to be used by God...I find myself in that position a lot...crying out to God saying this sucks but in the same breath saying I don't care I just want you to use me no matter what it takes...and though I would admit that I am not always humble hopefully people do see that I know I can not live this life without God being my strength for me...hopefully people see that He is my everything and see how he truly is my best friend...and I hope it is because of those statements and how I try to live my life why people call me blessed...

Really quick too I want to thank everyone who reads these...I get encouraged and often baffled when I hear of people who read my blog because I really don't know who reads it and I often feel like I don't have much to say...I am grateful and humbled by your love for me and your interest in my life that you would take the time to read what I have to say...it feels like this has become a weird sort of cool ministry that I never really thought it would be...pray for me not only my health but that I would continue to know what to say and be an open book for others to possibly learn from..."Pray that I may proclaim it (the gospel) clearly, ans I should" Colossians 4:4...

Thanks for all your support and loving...means a lot to me...and if you just want to drop a line and say hey I read this...I probably would be blown away and encouraged by even that...