I should probably be doing homework right now
Since I have a paper due by midnight tonight...but then again it will only take me an hour or so to write it so whatever...and I don't want to do it so I am procrastinating...
Not that I have anything interesting to say this week...no cool thoughts on well known Bible stories...so that's a bummer...
Most of the week I have been thinking about my approaching surgery...well and my doctor's appointment I had this week...what to say about that...my doctor switched up my meds a little bit again which is good and bad...he keeps taking me off more and more anti-rejection meds...I guess since my health status is already end stage renal rejection or however you are technically supposed to say it taking more meds is pointless...they obviously aren't going to reverse what has happened...I'm on dialysis and my kidney function rate is below 20% to the point we don't even talk about what it functions at...we also talked about my hemoglobin and my status on the transplant list as being on hold...he said there is nothing I can eat or do to raise my hemoglobin so that makes me feel pretty helpless...he is pretty positive that the can get my hemoglobin stabilized rather quickly...when we asked how soon it was till my status wasn't on hold anymore he said it wouldn't be months...but I am doubtful about that...I guess it helps that I have good iron counts...when we asked him the difference between iron and hemoglobin he said that iron makes hemoglobin like flour makes cookies...so that means there is either something wrong with the mixing/baking part of that equation or all my hemoglobin is getting lost somewhere like in the bleed I had before...since it doesn't seem to be the latter I would say it's the former...but what do I really know about all that I just know how I feel...
It was interesting to me that when my mom mentioned this all briefly in an e-mail she sent out to the church and her co-workers and then posted on facebook people seemed pretty hopeful...I am glad other people can be hopeful about it because it's hard for me to be...its one of those situations where I know that I have been disappointed big time before so I don't want to get my hopes up this time and then be majorly disappointed...its times time this when it is hard for me to remember God's goodness...to remember all the good he has done and all that he has brought me through...how fickle and forgetful I am...sometimes I am worse than the Israelites...I think maybe I need to make a list or something of the good things and good gifts I have gotten from God and hang it in my room so I can see it everyday...
This week I have a surgery coming up...this is the one for the fistula in my left arm...that I posted a picture of in my last post...its a pretty routine surgery and I know that my surgeon knows what he is doing...he's way super smart...yet I still find my myself nervous and not wanting to do this...I keep trying to remind myself of all the positives like it will be easier to shower and I won't have to spend 15 minutes after a shower cleaning and wrapping it...and I can go swimming again with it...and I won't have to worry about it getting infected...and once it's healed it will be less painful...and the list goes on...but I think because it's a such a permanent thing saying I am sick and not getting any better anytime soon...that sucks big time...they wouldn't be putting this in if they didn't think I was going to be on dialysis for a while...and truthfully I don't want to live like this...having to work everything around my machine and when I am doing dialysis...and not having the energy to do anything...and having to do shots at home that I know mom hates too...along with not feeling good in general...I'm just not a fan...I am sick of bad days and ready for some good days...
I will tell you today was a pretty good day...despite the fact that I fell like I can't stop crying as I write this...which is probably a good thing since I never cry even when I want to cry I have a hard time letting myself cry or getting myself to cry...anyways today was a pretty good day...my best friend came over after church and she and mom and I watched a funny movie...we laughed a lot and talked....it was good to spend time with her...but I think what made my day especially good was something else...mom and I went to a different Sunday school class today because after teaching the high school Sunday school class for who knows how long she needs a break...so we went to a different class and I loved it...at the end when we were getting ready to pray I told them a little about what was coming up this week...and as per usual we prayed then...I have to say that it was nice to have someone pray for me in the situation that I am in and pray for my needs as I deal with all of this instead of just praying for healing...not saying that you can't pray for healing because if you want to pray for me I will take it...but as I have said before I am pretty sure God vetoed that prayer 20 years ago...not saying he can't change his mind cause he can...but it really does mean a lot when you pray for me for strength in what I am dealing with or for understanding...or something else that pertains to what I am going through...like now I could use some peace about all this...from where I sit when people pray for healing for me it feels like either they don't know what to pray for so they haven't been paying attention to the things I have asked people to pray for me about...or that they are just passively praying a prayer that they pray for all people that are sick so that doesn't really show that they care about me as an individual...not saying that is your intention that's just how it feels when I hear it...and as I have also said before...that makes me want to barf all over your prayer...
So this week as I try to come to terms with having a fistula put in and go to Peoria for surgery...pray for peace and for understanding...for the kind of strength that endures...cause I am sick and tired of all of this...and I've been ready for a break for a while...I do not at all in anyway understand what God is doing and why after 20 years the hits keep coming faster and harder...and as I said a few weeks ago...pray for me as I share my story and as I am truthful with the people around me...may God use me in ways that I can't imagine because it seems like he wants to and even though this does suck it would suck more if he wasn't use this for good in some way...
Not that I have anything interesting to say this week...no cool thoughts on well known Bible stories...so that's a bummer...
Most of the week I have been thinking about my approaching surgery...well and my doctor's appointment I had this week...what to say about that...my doctor switched up my meds a little bit again which is good and bad...he keeps taking me off more and more anti-rejection meds...I guess since my health status is already end stage renal rejection or however you are technically supposed to say it taking more meds is pointless...they obviously aren't going to reverse what has happened...I'm on dialysis and my kidney function rate is below 20% to the point we don't even talk about what it functions at...we also talked about my hemoglobin and my status on the transplant list as being on hold...he said there is nothing I can eat or do to raise my hemoglobin so that makes me feel pretty helpless...he is pretty positive that the can get my hemoglobin stabilized rather quickly...when we asked how soon it was till my status wasn't on hold anymore he said it wouldn't be months...but I am doubtful about that...I guess it helps that I have good iron counts...when we asked him the difference between iron and hemoglobin he said that iron makes hemoglobin like flour makes cookies...so that means there is either something wrong with the mixing/baking part of that equation or all my hemoglobin is getting lost somewhere like in the bleed I had before...since it doesn't seem to be the latter I would say it's the former...but what do I really know about all that I just know how I feel...
It was interesting to me that when my mom mentioned this all briefly in an e-mail she sent out to the church and her co-workers and then posted on facebook people seemed pretty hopeful...I am glad other people can be hopeful about it because it's hard for me to be...its one of those situations where I know that I have been disappointed big time before so I don't want to get my hopes up this time and then be majorly disappointed...its times time this when it is hard for me to remember God's goodness...to remember all the good he has done and all that he has brought me through...how fickle and forgetful I am...sometimes I am worse than the Israelites...I think maybe I need to make a list or something of the good things and good gifts I have gotten from God and hang it in my room so I can see it everyday...
This week I have a surgery coming up...this is the one for the fistula in my left arm...that I posted a picture of in my last post...its a pretty routine surgery and I know that my surgeon knows what he is doing...he's way super smart...yet I still find my myself nervous and not wanting to do this...I keep trying to remind myself of all the positives like it will be easier to shower and I won't have to spend 15 minutes after a shower cleaning and wrapping it...and I can go swimming again with it...and I won't have to worry about it getting infected...and once it's healed it will be less painful...and the list goes on...but I think because it's a such a permanent thing saying I am sick and not getting any better anytime soon...that sucks big time...they wouldn't be putting this in if they didn't think I was going to be on dialysis for a while...and truthfully I don't want to live like this...having to work everything around my machine and when I am doing dialysis...and not having the energy to do anything...and having to do shots at home that I know mom hates too...along with not feeling good in general...I'm just not a fan...I am sick of bad days and ready for some good days...
I will tell you today was a pretty good day...despite the fact that I fell like I can't stop crying as I write this...which is probably a good thing since I never cry even when I want to cry I have a hard time letting myself cry or getting myself to cry...anyways today was a pretty good day...my best friend came over after church and she and mom and I watched a funny movie...we laughed a lot and talked....it was good to spend time with her...but I think what made my day especially good was something else...mom and I went to a different Sunday school class today because after teaching the high school Sunday school class for who knows how long she needs a break...so we went to a different class and I loved it...at the end when we were getting ready to pray I told them a little about what was coming up this week...and as per usual we prayed then...I have to say that it was nice to have someone pray for me in the situation that I am in and pray for my needs as I deal with all of this instead of just praying for healing...not saying that you can't pray for healing because if you want to pray for me I will take it...but as I have said before I am pretty sure God vetoed that prayer 20 years ago...not saying he can't change his mind cause he can...but it really does mean a lot when you pray for me for strength in what I am dealing with or for understanding...or something else that pertains to what I am going through...like now I could use some peace about all this...from where I sit when people pray for healing for me it feels like either they don't know what to pray for so they haven't been paying attention to the things I have asked people to pray for me about...or that they are just passively praying a prayer that they pray for all people that are sick so that doesn't really show that they care about me as an individual...not saying that is your intention that's just how it feels when I hear it...and as I have also said before...that makes me want to barf all over your prayer...
So this week as I try to come to terms with having a fistula put in and go to Peoria for surgery...pray for peace and for understanding...for the kind of strength that endures...cause I am sick and tired of all of this...and I've been ready for a break for a while...I do not at all in anyway understand what God is doing and why after 20 years the hits keep coming faster and harder...and as I said a few weeks ago...pray for me as I share my story and as I am truthful with the people around me...may God use me in ways that I can't imagine because it seems like he wants to and even though this does suck it would suck more if he wasn't use this for good in some way...
My heart breaks for you, <3
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you've endured through all you've endured through and still love God is simply..... amazing <3