I wrote an entire post

And then I deleted it because I didn't like it...and the post that I worked on the other day about how I am a nerd doesn't seem fitting right now either...

Today as I have been over the past few days I am super moody...I don't feel good at all...there is not a part of me that doesn't hurt...but I get up and carry on with my life because lying in bed seems a bit dramatic...and when I am out and about I try to joke a lot to make everyone else think I am fine and to try to get my mind off the pain...because I just want to feel good...but when I am home and alone the tears come easy...

I wish I knew how to describe how it feels to be living in my body...the constant pain that keeps me up...how exhausting it is to do so many things that should be easy or fun...how frustrating it is to try to do all that I can to keep this body going long enough for me to get a kidney...and the weight of what it feels like to live in a body that is slowly dying with me feeling like I am held captive in it...

This week everything feels like it is harder to do...and everything hurts more...every time the needle goes in my arm for dialysis I want to shout out in pain or cry...but I don't want to make mom's job any harder...and simple tasks like going to the grocery store feel like I am trying to run a marathon I didn't train for...but someone has to be able to do these things for our family...

This coming week it maybe better...or the same...or maybe even worse...but right now I don't even care...right now I just want to cry about how sucky my life can be...

And I don't want your pity...or your words that you think are encouraging...the Bible says to mourn with those who mourn...and right now that's what I am needing...someone to tel me that they hate that life stinks for me so much of the time...a friend who doesn't try to have all the answers or the perfect words to say...but a friend who will sit with me and let me cry for a bit...and then maybe make me laugh...but mostly just a friend who will spend the time with me...even if it means that they have to put up with the moody Mandy that I can be...

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