Thoughts from this week so far

First...Nicole went off to school...which stinks...and I miss her...but I am not going to do a special post all about her because I already talk about her a lot...and she knows how much she means to me and that's the important part...

Second...I have still not been feeling that great...I called the doctor's office about it on Monday and when the nurse called me back after talking to Dr. Hsu she said that they have to wait for Dr. Sader because he's the one that knows what to do about meds...and he is out of the office all week...so just tough it out...which made me what to yell at them...I am so annoyed and frustrated...I want to know why I am seeing Dr. Hsu and not Dr. Sader if Hsu doesn't even know what to do with out him...and I have already been toughing it out for four weeks...ugh...but I didn't yell or anything because despite my frustrations I still really like my nurses and Dr. Hsu...and I really don't want to be a jerk or a difficult patient...so I'm on week five of toughing it out and dealing with being so tired that I feel like I will pass out...and toughing it out in terms of dealing with my frustrations...

Third...I have been thinking about death a lot this week...truthful I think about it a lot in general because the reality of death is very present in my life...without surgery...without my meds...without doctors constantly checking on me and annoying me...I would be dead...but I've been thinking about how people tend to come out of the wood work after people have died to say how much they always looked up to them or loved them...it happens with celebrities and non-celebs...and it's something I don't quite understand...because in my mind if you loved someone that is dead you don't really need to broadcast it to the world...but maybe that's just me...I'm not saying that people that die aren't special to people...because they are...but I hope when I die that people I never talked to don't start acting like we were best friends...I also hope that when I die people don't start doing the "I wish I would have told her..." or the "I wish I would have done ________ with her"...because in my mind when you truly care for someone you do those things with them and you tell them what's on your mind and heart...you don't waste the time that you share with them...because you understand how special they really are and how blessed you are to have them in your life...understand I am not saying you can't be sad or express your real grief...I am saying don't live in the past...don't live in the what ifs...live in the here and now and love on the people you do have in your life...let them know what you think of them now...live with no regrets...live as if everyday is as important as we claim it to be...

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