Follow-up to the mid week post
There is this character from a book I love who is named Hazel.
Now admittedly I love a lot of characters from books. But I especially love characters from John Green books. If you love nerdy things or books that are real read John Green. And then check out his and his brother's youtube channel vlogbrothers. Also their nerdfighter community is pretty great.
Now I bring John Green up because he wrote the character Hazel who is coming to the big screen soon in "The Fault in our Stars." Both my mom and my sister have commented on how the book portrays a life we know well. Sure I don't have cancer, but we understand the emergency hospital visits and the routines you get into when you are ill. Now the trailer for the movie contains one of my favorite lines from the book. In it she calls herself a grenade. And I get that. I tend to refer to myself as a ticking time bomb. See I have these seemingly constant ticks that remind me and others how sick I am and often renew the pain and fear about my continually deteriorating situation.
One of those ticks would be the news we got this past week.
We were caught off guard. Instead of getting the everything is fine check up that we were expecting we got news that another surgery needs to be done. For me it has been quite a devastating blow. I have been looking forward to time to recover. A time to adjust to a new normal of being "healthy" for a time. I feel like that has been stolen from me. And I feel like I can't talk about what is going on without crying. And since I hate crying in front of people I have been hiding out a lot. I spent pretty much all of Thursday in bed crying. I find myself still in a state of unbelief. And yet I know there wasn't a mistake. So I find myself arguing with God. I know he will get me through this just like he has everything else. But I am still in the place where I don't want to do this. I don't want there to be another shitty thing that has come up. And I don't want to be the girl who can't catch a break.
So I do the only thing I know how to do. I cry out to God. Because though I know a physical healing may not be in his plans for me I know that him coming to my rescue to walk beside me always is.
Now admittedly I love a lot of characters from books. But I especially love characters from John Green books. If you love nerdy things or books that are real read John Green. And then check out his and his brother's youtube channel vlogbrothers. Also their nerdfighter community is pretty great.
Now I bring John Green up because he wrote the character Hazel who is coming to the big screen soon in "The Fault in our Stars." Both my mom and my sister have commented on how the book portrays a life we know well. Sure I don't have cancer, but we understand the emergency hospital visits and the routines you get into when you are ill. Now the trailer for the movie contains one of my favorite lines from the book. In it she calls herself a grenade. And I get that. I tend to refer to myself as a ticking time bomb. See I have these seemingly constant ticks that remind me and others how sick I am and often renew the pain and fear about my continually deteriorating situation.
One of those ticks would be the news we got this past week.
We were caught off guard. Instead of getting the everything is fine check up that we were expecting we got news that another surgery needs to be done. For me it has been quite a devastating blow. I have been looking forward to time to recover. A time to adjust to a new normal of being "healthy" for a time. I feel like that has been stolen from me. And I feel like I can't talk about what is going on without crying. And since I hate crying in front of people I have been hiding out a lot. I spent pretty much all of Thursday in bed crying. I find myself still in a state of unbelief. And yet I know there wasn't a mistake. So I find myself arguing with God. I know he will get me through this just like he has everything else. But I am still in the place where I don't want to do this. I don't want there to be another shitty thing that has come up. And I don't want to be the girl who can't catch a break.
So I do the only thing I know how to do. I cry out to God. Because though I know a physical healing may not be in his plans for me I know that him coming to my rescue to walk beside me always is.
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