Update on the Update
During my scope today (Wednesday) my GI doc. didn't see any bleeding so that is already over evidently.
During my office appointment with him on Tuesday he didn't seem to understand why I was having pain or bleeding. So that was awesome.
He did change my meds a bit to help with the nausea and pain. So I have actually been able to eat which is nice.
I am frustrated with my body that it keeps having like a million freak out moments. And that it doesn't follow the norm and keeps confusing everyone.
And I am tired of the pain. Besides just my insides hurting my arm has been giving me some grief. My fistula still is causing pain and discomfort, mostly at night after a long day. But sometimes during the day too.
And I am so tired of fighting against my body. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm worn out ya'll.
Another note on today. I almost made a nurse cry and she got me a little teary eyed. After getting me registered she rolled the chair over to my bed and was very genuine in her concern for me. Since I have to go over health history every time I do pretty much anything medical she got to hear about my transplants and other surgeries and ulcers and dialysis and all that. At first when she was asking questions I thought she was unfriendly but then when she started asking me some more things and almost started crying I realized that was why she was acting strangely for a nurse. She told me that I am too young to have to deal with everything I have. And that she wished she could do something more for me. And then she asked me how I was handling everything. I don't always know how to respond to that and so I told her what I tell others and what to me feels as close to the truth as I can get. I said I have good days and bad days.
Before leaving the room she told me I was strong. And though others have told me that sometimes it shocks me to hear it from strangers. How is it that in the few minutes of us talking people see that? I don't feel like I display any signs of being strong. And after multiple longs days of being so unsure about what is going on with my body strong is the last adjective I would use to describe myself.
And so I get ready for another procedure on the 27th to try and cut these things out of me knowing that this will be a new part of my routine every year.
And I constantly remind myself that my God is a God who is with me in all situations. He is the God who can handle this load. Who can handle my anger and frustration. Who can handle my doubt and complaining. My God can make beauty from ashes and I know he will make beauty from these ashes.
During my office appointment with him on Tuesday he didn't seem to understand why I was having pain or bleeding. So that was awesome.
He did change my meds a bit to help with the nausea and pain. So I have actually been able to eat which is nice.
I am frustrated with my body that it keeps having like a million freak out moments. And that it doesn't follow the norm and keeps confusing everyone.
And I am tired of the pain. Besides just my insides hurting my arm has been giving me some grief. My fistula still is causing pain and discomfort, mostly at night after a long day. But sometimes during the day too.
And I am so tired of fighting against my body. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm worn out ya'll.
Another note on today. I almost made a nurse cry and she got me a little teary eyed. After getting me registered she rolled the chair over to my bed and was very genuine in her concern for me. Since I have to go over health history every time I do pretty much anything medical she got to hear about my transplants and other surgeries and ulcers and dialysis and all that. At first when she was asking questions I thought she was unfriendly but then when she started asking me some more things and almost started crying I realized that was why she was acting strangely for a nurse. She told me that I am too young to have to deal with everything I have. And that she wished she could do something more for me. And then she asked me how I was handling everything. I don't always know how to respond to that and so I told her what I tell others and what to me feels as close to the truth as I can get. I said I have good days and bad days.
Before leaving the room she told me I was strong. And though others have told me that sometimes it shocks me to hear it from strangers. How is it that in the few minutes of us talking people see that? I don't feel like I display any signs of being strong. And after multiple longs days of being so unsure about what is going on with my body strong is the last adjective I would use to describe myself.
And so I get ready for another procedure on the 27th to try and cut these things out of me knowing that this will be a new part of my routine every year.
And I constantly remind myself that my God is a God who is with me in all situations. He is the God who can handle this load. Who can handle my anger and frustration. Who can handle my doubt and complaining. My God can make beauty from ashes and I know he will make beauty from these ashes.
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