Have I mentioned recently
That I love Tyler Perry...cause I do....and I think its really cool that Forbes just named him the highest paid man in Hollywood this past year...I think its really cool not just because I love him but because he is a Christian who has stuck by his morals/standards...if you've ever watched one of his movies you would know that...after one of his plays (that I have on DVD) before he had either of his TV shows he said that he was trying to negotiate to get a TV show started but they weren't going to let him use the name of Jesus in any of his shows and he said well then forget that I don't need TV...he didn't back down on that and now he has two TV shows on TBS and quite a few movies (all talk about Jesus/forgiveness in some way) and well I just love him...sure he can be naughty sometimes but that's another reason why I love him...he shows real life and what life is like for real people on a daily basis without sugar coating anything to make it look perfect while still showing how good God is...
Now on to something else...
This week has been super rough for me...after Saturday I basically felt like I was dying most of the week...most days I was out of bed for maybe like 3-4 hours...maybe...the only times I left the house before today was when I went to get my blood drawn at the clinic and then went to the hospital for a blood transfusion and shot...which made me feel even worse...the transfusions give me really bad lower back pain for a day or 2 after...and the transfusions...how do I describe that pain...the side effects say that you experience flu like symtoms...as in body aches all over and horrible joint pain...that covers most of it...so combine those two and simply put its super painful...like get no sleep painful...the only pain killers I can take is Tylenol...which sometimes gives me diarrhea...so all week it has been a question of do I want to deal with the pain or do I want to try to numb the pain a little and possibly get diarrhea...dealing with the pain mostly won out...which may not be the best idea since it only mean my pain tolerance gets higher and higher...which probably isn't healthy...but the couple times I took Tylenol I still didn't sleep much because I kept waking up rushing to the bathroom...so it was sort of like what's the point...I did take some at 3 in the morning this morning which helped knock me out even though I was still in pain...but also gave me a little diarrhea this morning...and even though I still didn't feel the best I got up...put on real clothes for the first time since Saturday (I have been living in my pjs) and then went to church...
I try not to make a big deal out of this stuff because I don't want to complain...I don't want people want people to feel sorry for me...or throw me pity parties...that for me makes it harder to stay positive...
The thing that has been getting the hardest for me is that I am starting to feel like what is the point of all of this...I know that God works through our suffering and our trials...I have experienced...and I know that I still have a lot of things I can learn and a lot of ways I can grow...but I am starting to wonder what else I can learn from suffering since I have become so used to it...its sort of like an "ok whatever whats next " feeling at this point...which is sort of discouraging to me that I am suffering which is normally when people seem to grow the most and yet I feel stuck in a routine in my suffering...like I need a change of pace...I don't know about you but when I am stuck in a routine I don't really learn anything new...but I don't really know how to change this routine because its not really in my power to make my decaying body healthy even in the smallest part...
This week I have been feeling so sick that I don't want to do anything...I feel like a zombie...books that I got because they are interesting to me sit on my shelf untouched...movies that normally make me laugh leave me pretty stone faced...and class work...I just don't want to do it...I know I should but I just don't care...mind you I end up doing it but I don't try that hard on it...normally I care that I get good grades...not to the point of making me sick like it used to but enough to put some effort into what I am doing...right now though all I care is that I pass so I can be done...that's not like me at all...when I am awake I feel like I sit around tuned out to the rest of the world...it's kind of depressing...which is also weird because its like I care and yet I don't...somedays I feel bad because I feel like I am missing out on so much at school and with my friends and with life in general...and others times I just don't care that I am...all I know is that either way that's not living but right now I feel like I only have the energy to think about it not to do anything about it or even miss it that much...
On a more positive note yesterday and today I have felt a little better than I have the rest of the week...and it seems like my diarrhea is trying to stop...we will see though I guess...I am just glad I am feeling a little better since my birthday is tomorrow...I hate it when other people are more excited about my birthday than I am which has been the case so far because I have just felt so nasty...but I am starting to get excited...mostly about the cake I am getting tomorrow that mom order through Salamandra's...best cake ever...I might eat half of it myself even if it makes me throw up...that's how much I love this kind of cake...and my grandparents who live in Arizona are here so hopefully I can do something fun with them...
I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday in Peoria with Sader my Kidney doctor...I'll probably post after that since I know a lot of you will have a million questions about the appointment...
Now on to something else...
This week has been super rough for me...after Saturday I basically felt like I was dying most of the week...most days I was out of bed for maybe like 3-4 hours...maybe...the only times I left the house before today was when I went to get my blood drawn at the clinic and then went to the hospital for a blood transfusion and shot...which made me feel even worse...the transfusions give me really bad lower back pain for a day or 2 after...and the transfusions...how do I describe that pain...the side effects say that you experience flu like symtoms...as in body aches all over and horrible joint pain...that covers most of it...so combine those two and simply put its super painful...like get no sleep painful...the only pain killers I can take is Tylenol...which sometimes gives me diarrhea...so all week it has been a question of do I want to deal with the pain or do I want to try to numb the pain a little and possibly get diarrhea...dealing with the pain mostly won out...which may not be the best idea since it only mean my pain tolerance gets higher and higher...which probably isn't healthy...but the couple times I took Tylenol I still didn't sleep much because I kept waking up rushing to the bathroom...so it was sort of like what's the point...I did take some at 3 in the morning this morning which helped knock me out even though I was still in pain...but also gave me a little diarrhea this morning...and even though I still didn't feel the best I got up...put on real clothes for the first time since Saturday (I have been living in my pjs) and then went to church...
I try not to make a big deal out of this stuff because I don't want to complain...I don't want people want people to feel sorry for me...or throw me pity parties...that for me makes it harder to stay positive...
The thing that has been getting the hardest for me is that I am starting to feel like what is the point of all of this...I know that God works through our suffering and our trials...I have experienced...and I know that I still have a lot of things I can learn and a lot of ways I can grow...but I am starting to wonder what else I can learn from suffering since I have become so used to it...its sort of like an "ok whatever whats next " feeling at this point...which is sort of discouraging to me that I am suffering which is normally when people seem to grow the most and yet I feel stuck in a routine in my suffering...like I need a change of pace...I don't know about you but when I am stuck in a routine I don't really learn anything new...but I don't really know how to change this routine because its not really in my power to make my decaying body healthy even in the smallest part...
This week I have been feeling so sick that I don't want to do anything...I feel like a zombie...books that I got because they are interesting to me sit on my shelf untouched...movies that normally make me laugh leave me pretty stone faced...and class work...I just don't want to do it...I know I should but I just don't care...mind you I end up doing it but I don't try that hard on it...normally I care that I get good grades...not to the point of making me sick like it used to but enough to put some effort into what I am doing...right now though all I care is that I pass so I can be done...that's not like me at all...when I am awake I feel like I sit around tuned out to the rest of the world...it's kind of depressing...which is also weird because its like I care and yet I don't...somedays I feel bad because I feel like I am missing out on so much at school and with my friends and with life in general...and others times I just don't care that I am...all I know is that either way that's not living but right now I feel like I only have the energy to think about it not to do anything about it or even miss it that much...
On a more positive note yesterday and today I have felt a little better than I have the rest of the week...and it seems like my diarrhea is trying to stop...we will see though I guess...I am just glad I am feeling a little better since my birthday is tomorrow...I hate it when other people are more excited about my birthday than I am which has been the case so far because I have just felt so nasty...but I am starting to get excited...mostly about the cake I am getting tomorrow that mom order through Salamandra's...best cake ever...I might eat half of it myself even if it makes me throw up...that's how much I love this kind of cake...and my grandparents who live in Arizona are here so hopefully I can do something fun with them...
I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday in Peoria with Sader my Kidney doctor...I'll probably post after that since I know a lot of you will have a million questions about the appointment...
Wait. Salamandra makes cake????? :)
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