Trying to find...

Some sort of balance when you are sick and moody is tough...and in my case it tends to make me more moody...

What I mean when I say balance is that fo what to do with my emotions and my experiances...I need to face them and acknowledge them...not dealing with those is unhealthly...yet dealing with them and dwelling on them is unhealthy and well and can make a person seriously depressed...so where is the middle ground...I wish I knew...and I wish finding it was easy...

I feel like I have to find a new balance each time something else comes up...like right now knowing I will start dialysis in a week...how do I deal with that...how do I add that to the equation...on one hand I don't want to think about it because it I don't want to acknowledge that I have to do that...it makes me mad that I have gotten that sick and didn't speak up sooner...and it makes me mad that I blame myself for my body being stupid when we all know I can't control it...then when I do acknowledge what's to come all I want to do is cry...I want to get upset and scream and lay in bed all day...as I deal with the truth of my life either way I am no fun to be around...one way I am angry and full of frustration and the other I am a sappy crying fool of a mess...so where's the middle ground...

For me I am finding that I tend to still bottle things up...even though I don't want to...I still for some dumb reason think I have to be strong and emotionless...like nothing bothers me...I have to constantly give myself premission to be upset and to cry...

I don't know why I do that...I am not fooling anyone...everyone knows I hate this and it sucks...even if they don't know first hand they have heard me say it sucks...and yet I still try to pretend like it doesn't...makes me wonder what is wrong with me...what am I afraid of...do I really have that big a problem with crying...and why...

Weakness is ok...having people know you are hurting and want to help you is ok...

It's almost like I am so afraid that I am going to be pitied or smothered...neither of which I want...that I hide instead...

So then I end up time and time again where I am now...trying to find a balance...

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