I know I should post

Since I just had a doctors appointment and I know a lot of my friends and family are thinking "what did the doctor say"...which I am glad that you all care...but I feel like I don't really know what to tell you...so maybe I'll try it like this...

Good news
  • we took two pies into the office today for the staff there
  • we got there 30 mins early and got in to see the doctor right away
  • my doctor knows how to joke with us
  • my doctor likes lists like the one I made of all the things that are wrong with me (aka the aches pains and side effects I deal with)
  • He was able to breifly talk things over with the transplant doctor whiel we were there
  • I am off another med
  • my blood pressure was good today
  • I haven't had swelling in my ankles in a while
  • when mom asked if we had all the testing done and had a match how long would it be before a transplant and he said within the next two months
  • hopefully that means I have a new kidney before Christmas
  • we stopped at an apple orchard and got a few things like soem delish apple cider which I had some of and some apple cider donuts and I am planning on eating some of them tomorrow
  • even though I don't feel good I look good
Bad news
  • I will probably have to start dialysis in 2 weeks...ok it's not really a probably its the plan
  • I might have to stay the night in the hospital when I get the dialysis cath put in
  • I have to take more of the med that I like the least
  • I'm just going to have to deal with having diarrhea in the morning since its a side effect of my kidney failing much like many of the other problems I am dealing with
  • I'm haiving mixed emotions about all of this not really upset/happy more like disbelief that anything will happen that fast even though I would love to have a transplant soon so I can get to feeling better
  • I am still under my normal weight because of all the weight I lose when I don't feel good
  • I still have a lot of bad days
  • I still get worn out pretty easily
Something that I have been realizing recently is how often I really don't make a big deal out of things...I don't speak up...I don't make sure that I aam heard when I need to be heard...I am too worried about being a nusance or not wanting to complain that I just saying nothing...so today for me speaking up even in the form of a list on paper that the doctor could look over to say what is wrong with me was a big deal for me...I don't like to do that...I like to be a patient that is easy to deal with...but I have to remind myself that me not speaking up makes it harder for the doctors to do their job...they can't fix what they don't know is broken...they don't know how sick I am if I don't tell them since I look pretty good on my good days which just happens to be most of this week so far including today when I went to see the doctor...its sort of like Nicole always tells me when I am sick and I say something isn't a big deal...she will get mad at me and say Abby yes it is a big deal your sick...I need people around me who will do that...who will remind me that things are a bigger deal than I make them out to be or than I want them to be because I am the type of person who will while I am barfing say its no big deal I'll be fine...I also don't ever want to seem like I think I should be the center of attention...I don't like attention...I don't sing in the cmap band because I want the attention...I sing because I love singing and I love worshiping with those guys...I get uncomfortable when people talk about me even when its good things they are saying...I don't know how to take compliments because that's something thats about me that brings attention to me and makes me a little nervous a little panicky...so I sometimes let people walk all over things that are suposed to be mine or are things that I did I accomplished but I let other people take the credit for them...so that's something else that I need to learn...that sometimes it is all about me and that's ok...I was even doubting these things today even as we left the doctors office (that I need to speak up because sometimes things are a big deal and they are all about me)...me speaking up has started to move things along a little faster as my doctors have seen something other than just my blood work...they known how I feel...that means we sort of have a timeline and things are going to change andthey are realizing how sick I really am...a lot of good came out of me speaking up...but right away I doubted that I should have done that and mom made me tell myself again waht I had told her I needed to do...

Sometimes things are a big deal and sometimes things are all about me and that's ok...

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