You put your arms around me...
...and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go - Arms - Christina Perri
This week like last week has been a an up and down week for me...mostly down though...I don't ever really feel good and I feel like I am always at the hospital or the clinic for some type of test or appointment...it's no fun...mind you I try and make the best out of it...like on Friday my friend Jessica (Smith) Danger did my ultrasound and we laughed about different things like how big my kidney is...plus it kept cracking me up that during my ultrasound and my echo-cardiogram the techs kept saying that my insides take beautiful pictures...if only that meant my insides worked right too.....but I'm just tired...I don't know how else to put it...I''m tired not just in the physical sense of the word either...
Getting out of the house more often might put me in a better mood but at the same time it will also make me physically more tired and more sick...so I feel like I never know what to do...and it's hard sometimes feeling like people don't get how gross I feel all the time...how week I am all the time...I saw one of my all time favorite teachers Mrs Lyons the other day when I stopped at the high school to take my mom something...and it was nice to see her not just because she was a great teacher but also because she understands what it's like to be sick...I think it was during my junior year her husband died of cancer after battling it for a few years...when I saw her she asked me how I was doing and then quickly said "I know not good" then she joked "so this is like your 20 minutes of allotted energy today"...it felt good to joke with someone who understood at least a little and knows what its like to push through and try to be positive...
Sometimes its funny to me how many people care about me and want to help and want to know what is going on...its funny I guess because I still am not good at letting people into my life so when people care about me and want to help or want to know what's going on I don't know what to do and I am taken back...I put up a wall not only to protect myself but to protect others as well because I think you don't want none of this mess...like the song lyrics above "it's easier to let me go"...it's easier to not be friends with me...being my friend investing in my life can be very challenging...and when people want to step up to that challenge I still don't know what to do...take for example my brothers that I talk up all the time...they want opportunities to help me out and to be there for me...like at camp when they got to drive me around or get me things or do silly things to make me laugh...or even just sit with me...or when they are around and I am in the hospital for some dumb reason...they want to be able to sit with me and bring me junk food...I'm still learning to let them and other help me...for some dumb reason I still think I can do things on my own...or at least I want to be able to do things on my own...yet no one is telling me but me that I am less of a person because I need help...
I want to tell you a story that I probably should have shared more of a while ago after camp...part of me has been embarrassed but the truth o this story has opened a lot of people's eyes to how sick I really am and I keep feeling like I should tell it...so here it goes...
I worked at RRBC as I mentioned in July and as I do every summer...this summer during senior camp as many of you know we went without power from Monday morning till Tuesday afternoon...well Monday morning after we had lost power and after we had breakfast I was sitting at the staff meeting...I was sitting at the end of the table in the dining hall and I was as per usual having a hard time paying attention...and then I started to get a little light headed and thought at first that I just needed a drink so I asked one of the other staff members to get me some water...she gladly did...sadly even after drinking some water I still felt little headed and I started to see double a little and sort of felt like I was going to past out...instead of drawing attention to myself or even telling someone what was going on I got up to go to the bathroom...at this point I had had diarrhea or like 4 weeks...so add to all of this that I now felt like I had to go now...which would be interesting since the toilets weren't working...to get to the bathroom from the dining hall you have to walk up a few steps...even though it's not that far of a walk it felt like the longest walk ever and all I could think was don't pass out in front of the campers...there were a few campers standing on the hill talking and laughing and I didn't want to freak them out...plus I was walking on concrete and that would hurt to fall onto...I made it to the bathroom and them because very disoriented...knowing I was going to pass out I went to lay on the floor...(when I told mom that grossed her out and worried her the most since she says no one in their right mind would lay on that floor...it's gets really wet and muddy and just yuck from people using it all the time and from the heat)...anyways all I remember my thinking being was that I knew I was going to pass out and I didn't want to pass out and hit my head on the counter...or pass out of the toilet and fall off...somewhere along the lines of going to lay down though I must have passed out because my head hurt later like it slammed into the floor and I don't remember that happening...I also don't remember if it was before after or during that I passed out either that I ended up pooping my pants because my body couldn't hold it in...all I know is that my lower half was gross and I felt like an idiot...(that's right I'm still hard on myself even when I am clearly sick and most people would head to the hospital)...then the passing out feeling passed and all I could think was I need my mom I don't know what to do but I need my mom...so I stepped out the door a little and tried to poke my head around the wall outside the door and tried my best to yell...which at first didn't work well...but the second attempt worked and I got my friends attention and just said go get my mom...after that i went back in the bathroom sat down on the toilet and my insides poured out of me again...(at this point I hadn't been eating much during the day so it still confuses me how my body had so much to get rid of even after 4 weeks)...at this point my pant and underwear were obviously ruined too...my mom came in and I tried my best o tell her what happened...I don't remember really crying but I probably was and I just remember sort of being out of breath...then she got me stuff to clean up the best I could while my friends Nicole and Annette did what they could to help her by getting me new clothes and such...I remember mom kept asking me if I wanted to see if anyone in town had power or even if the Kerr's who lived close to the camp had power so I could at least shower...I kept thinking though if I go home then I won't come back and I will regret that...so I didn't...the rest of the week compared to that was a breeze...it's funny cause after that I felt like nothing else could happen that would make me go home...nothing could be worse make me feel worse or drag me away from camp...and then when people asked me how I was doing the days following that...nothing seemed that hard anymore...sure I was till worn out still having diarrhea...but I wasn't passing out on the bathroom floor so I could make it...
After that too I felt like I couldn't hide how sick I really was from certain people...like my friends who witnessed this or the people that mom told...the thing is that I am good at hiding...my best friend Nicole didn't even really know how sick I was until that day...and even though it scared her a little she needed to see me like that because if she is my best friend she needs to know the truth of how sick I really am...that doesn't mean she automatically knows what to do or that she somehow has answers and the right words...but ti does mean that she has seen me at a low low low point and yet is still by my side...I need to be reminded that my friends as like that...they aren't afraid of my messing jack up life or walking it with me...they want to be by my side no matter what that means...no matter how moody I am or how many times I lie or how many times I pretend I am fine when I am not or how many times I don't cry even when I want to or maybe even should...the things is too...they may not completely understand it because they have only ever been healthy and they can't comprehend my life fully but the fact that they still want a part of this craziness by choice...that speaks more volumes then their words ever could...
That makes me think of this other song I keep listening to by Superchick call With You...it opens with the lines "I will walk beside you good and bad times"...though she sings about how she will do anything and will be alright as long as she is with God...it is nice to feel like a lot of the lines in this song I can apply to my friends as well...it's funny how God works knowing that I would need people in my life that would not give up on being my friend no matter how stubborn I can be...and friends that would willing from the the start want to take on being my friend despite how rough it can be to be my friend...takes some pretty strong people...when it comes to my friends it's like Cicely Tyson says in Madea's Family Reunion "I have not only been blessed I have been divinely favored"...
This week like last week has been a an up and down week for me...mostly down though...I don't ever really feel good and I feel like I am always at the hospital or the clinic for some type of test or appointment...it's no fun...mind you I try and make the best out of it...like on Friday my friend Jessica (Smith) Danger did my ultrasound and we laughed about different things like how big my kidney is...plus it kept cracking me up that during my ultrasound and my echo-cardiogram the techs kept saying that my insides take beautiful pictures...if only that meant my insides worked right too.....but I'm just tired...I don't know how else to put it...I''m tired not just in the physical sense of the word either...
Getting out of the house more often might put me in a better mood but at the same time it will also make me physically more tired and more sick...so I feel like I never know what to do...and it's hard sometimes feeling like people don't get how gross I feel all the time...how week I am all the time...I saw one of my all time favorite teachers Mrs Lyons the other day when I stopped at the high school to take my mom something...and it was nice to see her not just because she was a great teacher but also because she understands what it's like to be sick...I think it was during my junior year her husband died of cancer after battling it for a few years...when I saw her she asked me how I was doing and then quickly said "I know not good" then she joked "so this is like your 20 minutes of allotted energy today"...it felt good to joke with someone who understood at least a little and knows what its like to push through and try to be positive...
Sometimes its funny to me how many people care about me and want to help and want to know what is going on...its funny I guess because I still am not good at letting people into my life so when people care about me and want to help or want to know what's going on I don't know what to do and I am taken back...I put up a wall not only to protect myself but to protect others as well because I think you don't want none of this mess...like the song lyrics above "it's easier to let me go"...it's easier to not be friends with me...being my friend investing in my life can be very challenging...and when people want to step up to that challenge I still don't know what to do...take for example my brothers that I talk up all the time...they want opportunities to help me out and to be there for me...like at camp when they got to drive me around or get me things or do silly things to make me laugh...or even just sit with me...or when they are around and I am in the hospital for some dumb reason...they want to be able to sit with me and bring me junk food...I'm still learning to let them and other help me...for some dumb reason I still think I can do things on my own...or at least I want to be able to do things on my own...yet no one is telling me but me that I am less of a person because I need help...
I want to tell you a story that I probably should have shared more of a while ago after camp...part of me has been embarrassed but the truth o this story has opened a lot of people's eyes to how sick I really am and I keep feeling like I should tell it...so here it goes...
I worked at RRBC as I mentioned in July and as I do every summer...this summer during senior camp as many of you know we went without power from Monday morning till Tuesday afternoon...well Monday morning after we had lost power and after we had breakfast I was sitting at the staff meeting...I was sitting at the end of the table in the dining hall and I was as per usual having a hard time paying attention...and then I started to get a little light headed and thought at first that I just needed a drink so I asked one of the other staff members to get me some water...she gladly did...sadly even after drinking some water I still felt little headed and I started to see double a little and sort of felt like I was going to past out...instead of drawing attention to myself or even telling someone what was going on I got up to go to the bathroom...at this point I had had diarrhea or like 4 weeks...so add to all of this that I now felt like I had to go now...which would be interesting since the toilets weren't working...to get to the bathroom from the dining hall you have to walk up a few steps...even though it's not that far of a walk it felt like the longest walk ever and all I could think was don't pass out in front of the campers...there were a few campers standing on the hill talking and laughing and I didn't want to freak them out...plus I was walking on concrete and that would hurt to fall onto...I made it to the bathroom and them because very disoriented...knowing I was going to pass out I went to lay on the floor...(when I told mom that grossed her out and worried her the most since she says no one in their right mind would lay on that floor...it's gets really wet and muddy and just yuck from people using it all the time and from the heat)...anyways all I remember my thinking being was that I knew I was going to pass out and I didn't want to pass out and hit my head on the counter...or pass out of the toilet and fall off...somewhere along the lines of going to lay down though I must have passed out because my head hurt later like it slammed into the floor and I don't remember that happening...I also don't remember if it was before after or during that I passed out either that I ended up pooping my pants because my body couldn't hold it in...all I know is that my lower half was gross and I felt like an idiot...(that's right I'm still hard on myself even when I am clearly sick and most people would head to the hospital)...then the passing out feeling passed and all I could think was I need my mom I don't know what to do but I need my mom...so I stepped out the door a little and tried to poke my head around the wall outside the door and tried my best to yell...which at first didn't work well...but the second attempt worked and I got my friends attention and just said go get my mom...after that i went back in the bathroom sat down on the toilet and my insides poured out of me again...(at this point I hadn't been eating much during the day so it still confuses me how my body had so much to get rid of even after 4 weeks)...at this point my pant and underwear were obviously ruined too...my mom came in and I tried my best o tell her what happened...I don't remember really crying but I probably was and I just remember sort of being out of breath...then she got me stuff to clean up the best I could while my friends Nicole and Annette did what they could to help her by getting me new clothes and such...I remember mom kept asking me if I wanted to see if anyone in town had power or even if the Kerr's who lived close to the camp had power so I could at least shower...I kept thinking though if I go home then I won't come back and I will regret that...so I didn't...the rest of the week compared to that was a breeze...it's funny cause after that I felt like nothing else could happen that would make me go home...nothing could be worse make me feel worse or drag me away from camp...and then when people asked me how I was doing the days following that...nothing seemed that hard anymore...sure I was till worn out still having diarrhea...but I wasn't passing out on the bathroom floor so I could make it...
After that too I felt like I couldn't hide how sick I really was from certain people...like my friends who witnessed this or the people that mom told...the thing is that I am good at hiding...my best friend Nicole didn't even really know how sick I was until that day...and even though it scared her a little she needed to see me like that because if she is my best friend she needs to know the truth of how sick I really am...that doesn't mean she automatically knows what to do or that she somehow has answers and the right words...but ti does mean that she has seen me at a low low low point and yet is still by my side...I need to be reminded that my friends as like that...they aren't afraid of my messing jack up life or walking it with me...they want to be by my side no matter what that means...no matter how moody I am or how many times I lie or how many times I pretend I am fine when I am not or how many times I don't cry even when I want to or maybe even should...the things is too...they may not completely understand it because they have only ever been healthy and they can't comprehend my life fully but the fact that they still want a part of this craziness by choice...that speaks more volumes then their words ever could...
That makes me think of this other song I keep listening to by Superchick call With You...it opens with the lines "I will walk beside you good and bad times"...though she sings about how she will do anything and will be alright as long as she is with God...it is nice to feel like a lot of the lines in this song I can apply to my friends as well...it's funny how God works knowing that I would need people in my life that would not give up on being my friend no matter how stubborn I can be...and friends that would willing from the the start want to take on being my friend despite how rough it can be to be my friend...takes some pretty strong people...when it comes to my friends it's like Cicely Tyson says in Madea's Family Reunion "I have not only been blessed I have been divinely favored"...
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