Sometimes I wonder...
If my desire to not complain or whine keeps me from telling the truth...like today and yesterday have been horrible...can barely get out of bed horrible...feeling like death horrible...but because I don't want to complain I try not to say anything about it...if I'm honest though this sucks...I have been losing weight again...not as much as quickly...but still losing weight...I don't have much of an appetite which is a sign of kidney failure when it gets really bad...and I have diarrhea pretty bad again though it never fully went away it just became manageable...
If I am honest with myself that makes me nervous...last time I was like this my doctor started talking about dialysis...I really don't want to do that...makes me feel worse than I already do...
But on the bright side I had a fun day on saturday...I went to the QC with Nicole shopping...I did more than I should have and that's part of why I feel so cruddy now but can you really blame me...I mean come on...when any normal healthy person goes shopping they don't have to worry about feeling like death the next day so I didn't want to either...another good thing is my new laptop came in the mail today...I no longer have to wait forever for my slow laptop to start up or connect to whatever...it's nice to be able to sit in bed with my laptop and not worry about wither or not my laptop is going to kick me off the interent for no good reason...
Which also means I can work on my online classes from bed...so that's nice cause that was the plann orginally but my old laptop didn't like that idea much...
I go back and forth about my opinion of m online classes...somedays I like them and I am endlessly glad I have that option...other days I find it hard to motivate myself to get work done and wonder if taking classes when I am so sick is such a good idea since a lot of the time all I want to do is sleep...doesn't help that the readings so far have been brutaly boring...so I'm already tired and my homework is boring and puts me to sleep so I feel like I get nothing done...
My days as per usual are up and down with more bad down days than good days...and even when I say I have had a good day to anyone else they would be bad days...but looking at it that way means everyday is a bad day and that's depressing...
The only other thing I can think to say is how I have had the song Rest Easy by Audio A stuck in my head a lot recently..."Where is my embrace from the race that I have run I've kept the steady pace and still I have not won rest easy have no fear I love you perfectly love drives out fear I'll take your burdens you take my grace rest easy in my embrace"...I fell asleep singing this to myself last night while thinking it's sort of funny that currently even though I want to cry I don't because even that takes too much energy out of me...
If I am honest with myself that makes me nervous...last time I was like this my doctor started talking about dialysis...I really don't want to do that...makes me feel worse than I already do...
But on the bright side I had a fun day on saturday...I went to the QC with Nicole shopping...I did more than I should have and that's part of why I feel so cruddy now but can you really blame me...I mean come on...when any normal healthy person goes shopping they don't have to worry about feeling like death the next day so I didn't want to either...another good thing is my new laptop came in the mail today...I no longer have to wait forever for my slow laptop to start up or connect to whatever...it's nice to be able to sit in bed with my laptop and not worry about wither or not my laptop is going to kick me off the interent for no good reason...
Which also means I can work on my online classes from bed...so that's nice cause that was the plann orginally but my old laptop didn't like that idea much...
I go back and forth about my opinion of m online classes...somedays I like them and I am endlessly glad I have that option...other days I find it hard to motivate myself to get work done and wonder if taking classes when I am so sick is such a good idea since a lot of the time all I want to do is sleep...doesn't help that the readings so far have been brutaly boring...so I'm already tired and my homework is boring and puts me to sleep so I feel like I get nothing done...
My days as per usual are up and down with more bad down days than good days...and even when I say I have had a good day to anyone else they would be bad days...but looking at it that way means everyday is a bad day and that's depressing...
The only other thing I can think to say is how I have had the song Rest Easy by Audio A stuck in my head a lot recently..."Where is my embrace from the race that I have run I've kept the steady pace and still I have not won rest easy have no fear I love you perfectly love drives out fear I'll take your burdens you take my grace rest easy in my embrace"...I fell asleep singing this to myself last night while thinking it's sort of funny that currently even though I want to cry I don't because even that takes too much energy out of me...
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